The Real Reason You’re Always Running Late #276
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Are you running late before you even start getting ready? That’s time blindness at work, mama. And wow, does it make everyday life harder!
In this episode, I’m sharing the real talk from conversations with two different coaching clients this week about how ADHD brains process time—and why “it’s time to go” means something totally different for us than it does for people who are naturally on time. Walking out the door isn’t one task; it’s a whole project. From shoes and water bottles to wrangling kids and finding the missing lunchbox, no wonder we’re always scrambling.
Here’s the shift: it’s not about fixing yourself or forcing your brain to work like everyone else’s. It’s about figuring out how your ADHD brain actually works and using that knowledge as the key to the puzzle. Once you see the pattern, you can set up systems that work with your brain, not against it.
I’ll walk you through how to break down “leaving the house” into actual steps, estimate how long it really takes, and give yourself the buffer time you need. This isn’t about rushing or becoming a morning person – it’s about giving yourself space to breathe and creating a rhythm that makes sense for you.
Want a simple way to stop living in reactive “emergency mode”? Download my free Secrets for Overcoming Time Blindness at patriciasung.com/monthahead. In just 15 minutes, you can make major headway on avoiding crises, and feel like you’ve got your life together.
You’re carrying a lot, and you’re doing better than you think. Let’s make space for mornings that feel calmer and less like a fire drill.
Links mentioned in this episode:
I’m still trucking along, writing the first book for Moms with ADHD, publishing February 2027. Keep up to date on all things book writing and/or join the beta reader team here: patriciasung.com/book.
Patricia Sung [00:00:00]:
There's always going to be others that we're carrying for. Carrying for that did not come out right. Caring for and when we can recognize all that we're carrying, then we can better prepare for everything that's on your plate, which is a lot.
Patricia Sung [00:00:16]:
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so, so easy? You can't figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family? I get you, Mama. Parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life. Creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully and in turn lead our families well. At the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. But spoiler alert, you are already a great mom.
Patricia Sung [00:01:07]:
ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess Mama. You can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story, and I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome Motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung [00:01:23]:
Hey there successful mama. It's your friend Patricia Sung. This week I talked to two different clients about the same topic, and I knew that I wanted to share this tidbit of wisdom with you because it makes such a difference in the way that I get out the door. And while I have several episodes on Time Blindness, which I'll link all those in the show notes, this one key idea has made such a big difference. And when I talk to you about timeliness, like, I come with a humble heart because this is one of the ways that my ADHD shows up the most, the way that it affects my life in one of the, like, most obvious ways. When the time telling genes were passed out at birth, I did not get them. And I have been late most of my life and I've worked really hard on changing that. I'm usually on time and if I am running late, it's like maybe five minutes.
Patricia Sung [00:02:14]:
But like I was consistently 30 minutes late, middle school, high school time. And I am honestly shocked. I never got fired from a job for being late because I was late so much, especially in like my 20s and into my 30s. And it just was like a really big problem that I just had to deal with. Like I didn't know how to solve it and I didn't know, it was related to my ADHD back then. Even though, like, I got diagnosed 25 years ago, they didn't talk about, know, understanding time back then in the olden days, it wasn't clearly a part of your diagnosis. And I genuinely think if you put me in a room with no windows and, like, left and then came back a little while later and were like, hey, Patricia, how long have you been in here? I would have no idea. I couldn't tell you.
Patricia Sung [00:02:56]:
I don't know. If I'd been in there 5 minutes, 15 minutes, an hour, I wouldn't know. And I think if I was doing something I enjoyed, I'd probably tell you it was really short. And if I was doing something boring, I would tell you it's been a really long time. And. And like, I. I would have no clue. And like, I can laugh about it, but, like, it.
Patricia Sung [00:03:14]:
It genuinely is a huge stressor in my marriage. Like, even now, like, even though I'm so much better about being on time, I'm still not early, which is what my husband likes to be. He likes to be early. And it's a big stress on us. So it's something that I'm constantly working on. Like, especially once I became a mom and realizing that my lateness was affecting my kids and how awful I felt about it and like, the. The guilt and the shame that came with it. And, you know, I was remind because I was running, like, just a smidge behind.
Patricia Sung [00:03:40]:
Like, I really was. I was like, literally one minute late. And out of habit, my brain was already, like, coming up with reasons of why we were running behind, and I was like, oh, my gosh. Like, we're literally only one minute late. It's not a big deal. And yet there was still this, like, panic inside that was like, oh, my gosh, I've got to come up with a reason. I need to make sure that these people know that I'm not being disrespectful, that I still value their time. Like, it was.
Patricia Sung [00:04:01]:
It's like a trauma response, for sure, of this anxiety that comes around being late. And even though it's like something that I'm. I don't want to be late, and I do so many things to try not to be late, and yet still, we still don't end up being early to stuff and how much that's affected me my whole life. So I share this with full transparency that this is something that I constantly work on. So since it came up twice this week with clients, here's the tidbit. I want to share with you. When I say the phrase, hey, it's time to go, what happens next? What do you do next? I'm going to give you a second to think about it. What's the first thing that comes to mind when I say, hey, friend, it's time to go? What do you do next? Because what I've noticed is, like, for my husband, when he says it's time to go, he already has his wallet, his keys, his phone, his shoes are on, and he literally walks out the door and gets in the car.
Patricia Sung [00:04:52]:
That is his version of it's time to go. Dominic is time to go. He gets in the car. Patricia's version of it's time to go. I'm like, oh, it's time to go. Great. You know what? I think I need to change the pants I'm wearing based on this activity that we're about to go do. All right, let me check my purse.
Patricia Sung [00:05:07]:
Do I have all my things? What? Let me go grab my phone. Okay, kids, time to put on shoes. Go potty. Oh, wait, we need water bottles. Let's fill those up. All this stuff happens when you say it's time to go before it's time to go. I have thought of none of these things. When it's time to go, then my brain's like, okay, what do I need to do to go? And then all the other steps happen.
Patricia Sung [00:05:26]:
This is why a lot of times when I'm working with y', all, like, one of the things we do to make getting out the door faster is prepping stuff ahead of time. Because then there's less steps to do when it's time to leave. But where it's rooted in is actually going back to the episode that I recorded in my car a couple weeks ago. 2:72, I think it was, is like, our brain categorizes projects. We say they're like one task. Leaving is a task, but it's not. That's a project. There's many steps to it.
Patricia Sung [00:05:54]:
And our brain doesn't separate out the different steps that go into that project. Of, like, everything from, like, the decision making. Of, like, uh, where are we going? Do I need to run another errand while I'm out? What supplies do I need? Like, the planning of it? Of, like, do we need the water bottles? Do we need ABC things to go with us? Like, thinking about the time that it takes to get all those things gathered up. The actual, like, chasing down all the kids to do their stuff. Like, hey, put on your shoes, go to the bathroom. Because you're not just responsible for you, you're responsible for another person. 2, 3, 4, 5. And you know, if some of them have ADHD or some kind of neurodiversity, like you might be herding cats out the door, then to the actual execution of grabbing your stuff and walking out the door.
Patricia Sung [00:06:39]:
Like, there's so many pieces to that process and our brain categorizes all into one leaving, exiting. But really it's not. There's so many different pieces of that. Oh, and then like heaven forbid, like your kid forgot their lunchbox at school yesterday or they left their water bottle at daycare or at camp or whatever. And like you can't find a shoe. Like all of a sudden the what could be a 10 minute process is now a 20 minute process. Or what could be a 30 minute process is now a 60 minute process. And you need all that emotional regulation to not yell at everybody as you're trying to exit the house.
Patricia Sung [00:07:14]:
So if I break this down into like just a really basic set of steps, like there's the deciding what's happening, there's the preparation and then there's the actual execution of it. So when my husband says he wants to go somewhere at 3pm, his time of like quote, it's time to leave is 3 o'. Clock. For me, it's time to leave is like at least 2:30. Like could be earlier depending on where we're going. Like if it's something complicated like we're going to a swim meet, we need a whole bunch of stuff. Like that might be 2 o', clock, but like most things, 2:30 is like a safer. Patricia, it's time to leave time frame.
Patricia Sung [00:07:48]:
Like maybe I could squish it down to 20 minutes, but really I need about 30 minutes to get myself and the kids and everything prepared so that I can leave at the 3 o'. Clock. My husband's version of it's time to leave, so we gonna do about it. Step one is knowing, like when I say it's time to leave, what does your brain say? Like, what's the next step? And knowing like where you fall in that spectrum of like when you say it's time to go, are you literally getting in the car or are you saying like, oh, let me pack a bag? Are you saying, let me grab my purse that's already ready? Where do you fall in that spectrum of the actual preparing and executing and knowing how long you need to be able to line up so that you're walking out the door in time to drive there and also, side note, your brain probably doesn't consider like parking and walking inside and all that stuff too. So like, got to add that time in also. But I won't get off on a side tangent, but just awareness that there's even more that comes after the exiting.
Patricia Sung [00:08:47]:
Are you constantly scrambling to get things done? You never seem to have quite enough time to do it all and it feels like you're drinking from a fire hose.
Patricia Sung [00:08:56]:
And then you get mad at yourself.
Patricia Sung [00:08:58]:
Because you should have been ready because you knew about that birthday party or that field trip or that vacation for a long time now. And yet somehow you still aren't ready. As ADHD moms, we spend a lot of time living reactively. You're playing whack a mole throughout the day, dealing with one emergency or surprise after another. You feel like you don't even have.
Patricia Sung [00:09:15]:
Time to catch your breath.
Patricia Sung [00:09:17]:
This is a really stressful way to live every day.
Patricia Sung [00:09:20]:
The hard part is that we live.
Patricia Sung [00:09:22]:
In the now, not the not now. And all those things, the birthday party, the vacation, the field trip, they're all not now until suddenly they are now.
Patricia Sung [00:09:30]:
How do you move those things from.
Patricia Sung [00:09:32]:
Not now to now before they are emergency now? By doing some proactive planning. Every month I look ahead at what's coming up so that my brain recognizes that it's coming soon. It brings the not now into the now temporarily. I'm sharing this tried and true strategy with you, so head over to my website patriciasung.com/monthahead. It's all one word month ahead lowercase letters and you can download it for free.
Patricia Sung [00:09:58]:
How?
Patricia Sung [00:09:59]:
In just 10-15 minutes you can walk through what's coming up and help your brain move from reactive to proactive. This 10 or 15 minute activity once a month saves future me tons of hours of stress and panic. And I want that for you too. So go to my website patriciasung.com/monthahead and grab your free ADHD friendly strategy. Which is my secret on how I overcome time blindness and lower your stress a whole bunch. Future you will thank you so much in a couple of weeks. So go grab it now. Patriciasung.com/monthahead M O N T.
Patricia Sung [00:10:38]:
H A H E A D so in calculating that amount of time, okay, like how many people are you getting ready? Like are they little people that can't put on their own shoes? Are they older kids who are more self sufficient? Is an older kid who's not going to get stuff done and you have to herd them along the whole way? What kind of like prep Time are you going to need? Are you able to get the bags packed before you leave? Like are you able to pack a lunch beforehand or is that included? Include packing lunchtime. What are people's attitudes going to be in that time? Like, are they going to be cooperative? Are they going to be grouchy? Now you can go through and like list out all the steps and be like, okay, I think it's going to take us two minutes to put on shoes. I think it's going to take this time and probably two minutes. That's probably a bad estimate. Don't go by my estimates. I'm not good at this. Like, it's probably five minutes to put shoes on. You can go through and list out each step of things that have to get done and put the time and you're probably going to come up with some number and be like, there's no way that I can take an hour and three minutes to get out of this house.
Patricia Sung [00:11:41]:
And yes, it may actually take you an hour and three minutes. But also once you have all those steps out, like right now, you can start to look at like, where can you make this more efficient? Where can you make this easier? But we can't do that until we actually know the amount of time it's going to take us. Now if you don't want to be that like anal retentive about it, because I'm an enneagram one, I like the details, but if you're like, dude, just, just pick something. Pick like 30 minutes. Can you get out the door in 30 minutes, yes or no? Maybe if you have, you know, those other intricacies that I've mentioned, Maybe just pick 45 minutes but then find out like, are you correct? Was that an accurate amount of time? And it's a science experiment. So start leaving, get ready an hour ahead of time and see how long it actually took you. If you need more time, add more time. If you need less time, do less time.
Patricia Sung [00:12:24]:
But if you know roughly, like, you don't have to be down the minute here, but if you know it roughly takes your family 30 minutes to exit the house in order to get to anybody's like, you know, gymnastics class or, or you know, piano lesson or whatever, you know, like roughly 30 minutes is a safe bet. And then if you need to adjust up or down based on attitudes that day and what else is going on, you can. But that's a huge help to know just roughly how much time it takes to get out the door. Like, I know it takes me about 30 minutes to get ready in all actuality, like, if I'm in a hustle mood. Like, if it's like, panic, I can do it in, like, 10 to 15 minutes. But I don't want to rush every morning. Like, I want to be able to. To, like, slowly open my eyes and acclimate myself to the waking world, use the restroom without, like, panicking, wander over to pick out my clothes.
Patricia Sung [00:13:10]:
Like, I don't want to be rushed in the morning. So I prefer 30 minutes. But if I need to, I can get out the door in 15, maybe 10, if I just throw my can ponytail and, like, run. But, like, I don't want to plan for that. And I think that's a hump that I've had to get over too. Is like, I wanted to think the best case scenario, I'm like, oh, cool, I can get out the door in 15 minutes. But here's the thing. I don't want to rush out the door every day.
Patricia Sung [00:13:30]:
Like, that's anxious, panic inducing, like, stressfulness. I don't want to have to, like, hustle out. I want to give myself the 30 minutes to be able to, like, slowly wake up and be like, oh, this is the world is awake now. Like, I need that extra space to feel calm. I look at more like a gift to myself is that I want that in the morning. If I can, instead of like, well, I can do it in 15 minutes. Like, there's no prize for being stressed every morning. Younger me would be like, I can do it in 15 minutes.
Patricia Sung [00:13:58]:
I can do it in 14 minutes. Like, it's not a game show. I want to have a peaceful morning, so I want to give myself the space to get ready. I'm like, no, I don't want to wake up earlier. I am not a morning person, like, at all. So, like, yes, I make the choice of, like, I'm gonna have all the stuff packed the night before. Like, anything that I can do the night before, I will do the night before. But I want to give myself the space in the morning to, like, be not stressed.
Patricia Sung [00:14:19]:
And then once, you know, like, here's roughly what needs to happen to you out the door. Here's roughly how much time it takes us and you know, like, your starting point or your starting value or whatever you want to call it, your baseline, that's when you can go and say, okay, here's all the stuff that needs to happen. Can I delegate these to other people in the family? Can I prep stuff earlier, like, ahead of time? Can I just make sure, like, figure out A way for, like, the diaper bag to always be ready to go. Like, you can play with all the puzzle pieces that go together that fit your family. But we really have to know from the beginning, like, how does our brain function? Where do we fall on this spectrum of exiting the house? And then where's the baseline of where we're starting from? And then how can we make it easier for ourselves? This is definitely a place that we can delegate or outsource to other people in our families and lighten our loads. Like, there's some tasks that are really easy that you can give to one of the younger kids, like filling up a water bottle or packing their own lunches. Things that your partner, if you have one, can do. Once you have all the stuff listed out, you can see, like, what makes sense for how your family's set up.
Patricia Sung [00:15:21]:
Because some people have two parents around when you're getting out the door in the morning, and some people only have one parent around. So you can figure out, like, okay, well, here's the task that the other person can help with. Even though they're not here. Maybe, like, they could fill up a water bottle ahead of time and have it ready to go. And then we always want to give ourselves a little bit of buffer room, because there's always going to be something unexpected that happens. Like, you're not a robot. Your kids are not robots. Like, it's not going to be perfect every day.
Patricia Sung [00:15:43]:
Like, you're not going to know ahead of time that, like, a kid can't find their shoe or the lunchbox got left at the babysitters or at daycare. Like, you're not going to know ahead of time for the surprises. We can give ourselves a few minutes to deal with the unexpected, because kids are unexpected sometimes. But we also. Sometimes we feel like things are unexpected and, like, we know they're gonna happen. Like, if your kid's always losing thing, like, just build in five minutes for finding the lost thing, because you know your kid's probably not gonna find it. So even though it's like a surprise, like, the surprise is like, what thing they lost, not the thing. Not that they lost a thing, but, like, what thing is lost? And when we shift the way we look at it, then we're not getting frustrated about the thing that they lost.
Patricia Sung [00:16:18]:
We know they're gonna lose the thing. Okay, how am I going to deal with it? But at least I put five minutes in here to deal with it. Because as a mom, we always have lots of responsibilities. We're always getting multiple people out the door until we hit that empty nest phase of life. Like there's always going to be others that we're carrying for. Carrying for that did not come out right. Caring for and when we can recognize all that we're carrying then we can better prepare for everything that's on your plate which is a lot. So I want to give you that like gift of grace of a K.
Patricia Sung [00:16:52]:
You're doing a lot. Look at all the things you're doing in the morning. It's a lot and you are allowed to have the space to make those things happen for you in the way that makes sense for you and your family. So high five Mama. You are doing a great job even on the days where you feel like doo doo you're doing it. I am proud of you and I will talk to you soon. Successful Mama.
Patricia Sung [00:17:13]:
For more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com.