Is ADHD a Superpower? Focusing on the Strengths of ADHD without Toxic Positivity #179
It only took me 41 years, but I finally found a type of time that ADHD is not only compatible with, but excels at.
What else are we great at? What are the strengths of ADHD? There’s a long list.
AND you can feel like having ADHD makes your life really difficult at the same time. Both can be true.
But is ADHD a superpower? Is it the thing that makes you amazing, superhuman, and destined for greatness?
Or is the ADHD as a superpower simply another toxic positivity trope designed to ignore the hardships?
Before anyone grabs a pitchfork, let’s discuss.
Stop Medusa Mom in her tracks with these 10 tips to calm down before you lose your cool! Watch (or read) the free video here: https://www.patriciasung.com/calm
Patricia Sung 00:00
I recently found a kind of time that I like. And except this is quite the epiphany for me because time is pretty much the bane of my existence. It's always been so hard for me because I have no sense of time and it gets me into all kinds of problems and struggles but finally found one that I like, let's discuss. Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy, you can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family, I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families. Well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD. Before we jump into this week's episode, let's read our review of the week. It's five stars from neurodivergent Hubby, it's hard to put into words how this show makes me feel seen, heard and understood. I am instantly transported to a place where someone gets me and celebrates me for who I truly am not who I've been trying to be. I'm reminded each time to give myself grace and love. The gentle way in which Patricia offers advice is so valuable in my life. I have implemented many things that I've gotten from this show and they've always produced the results I wanted. It doesn't have to be so hard life doesn't have to be so hard for us and learning things to Patricia that motherhood is messy, and our best won't always look the same every day. But we're still amazing mothers. I truly am so grateful for her presence in this world. I look forward to what she has in store for us for 2023. Okay, well, I'm basically just gonna cry now.
Patricia Sung 02:22
Thank you so much for those kind words. There are so many times that I doubt myself like as much as I have worked so hard on my internal narrator. And like the imposter syndrome, those thoughts are well ingrained in me and these still pop up. And yes, I have the tools to rewrite them in like redirect our own brain and going in different direction. But these kind of messages from you are like what solidify those new pathways in my brain to say like, Hey, this matters, it's worth it. Because for those of us who felt like we weren't worth it for so much of our lives, having people like you cheerlead me on and tell me that I'm doing a good job means the world. Thank you, Mom, if you have not gone and rated the podcast on whatever app, you're listening, if it has that function, please post a review, give it five stars. And let other moms know how this has mattered to you so that we can continue to spread this word that life doesn't have to be hard for us. We get to be ourselves and enjoy our lives to note fair warning. I'm about to tell you a story about church. I know this is a touchy subject, especially for folks in the ADHD community. There's been a lot of hurt there. I got it. I've been there. It's taking me a lot of years to get where I am is solidly in my faith. And I also know that it's okay for me to talk about this with you. Because we're 180 episodes and you know, I'm not going to shove my beliefs on you by force. It's not how I do things. Like one of my values is welcoming all people. No matter what you believe where you come from this community is for all moms, not just the ones who look like me in sound like me and believe what I believe that to me is not loving people. And that is all of what God is about. So bear with me, as I tell a story about church try not to run away just yet. There's definitely a lesson to be learned in the gifts of our ADHD in this story. What's the story?
Patricia Sung 04:31
So we my family, my husband, we host a small group at our church. We have families over every Sunday afternoon but once a month, the leaders gathered together for training on Sunday afternoon. This past month one of our pastors are talking about leading by the Spirit and are you truly listening and letting God lead the conversation and like seeing the people in your group and connecting with them? Like how when you get together? It's not Just about like falling the points on the outline, are you truly leading the group of people in front of you as like a connected leader. So one of his ways to do this, as he's explaining, like recognizing the shift in the room when you move from Kronos to Kairos, how we can all Picture those times when we have shifted between these two types of time. Chronos and Kairos are both words in Greek for time, when you're talking about Chronos. As time that's like the actual ticking of the seconds, that's where the word chronological comes from, right? The time is moving in its robotic way, totally consistent all the way through. Whereas, when you're talking about time as Kairos, this is where you have the quality time, these are the times where, you know, it's almost like Time stops, and you spend two hours with a friend and it feels like five minutes, or you're there with a friend, and they're struggling with something and they share their heart with you. And you're not there looking at the clock, you're really focused on what that friend needs. And being there for them is the difference between doing five minutes of something that you hate, and five hours of something that you love. And as our pastor was explaining this, like, you know, two, three minutes of the difference between Chronos and Kairos as time. My brain was just shifting and moving all the pieces into place to realize like, wow, I'm not bad at time is that my inner workings? Lean towards Kairos time, my inner clock doesn't sit with Chronos time, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, here's how much time you have left, my inner knowing is to Kairos time, to leaning into that conversation, to enjoying the things around me to being present in that moment to connect with people to get lost in hyper focus in the thing that I'm loving right now, my inner clock is guided by Kairos, not by Chronos. And there is this beautiful shifting and layer of self acceptance and realizing like, Oh, I'm not bad at all time, my inner understanding of time exists in Kairos. Time. And I was laughing because, you know, his point is like, Hey, are you really listening to people when they need something? Like, are you stopping and really like taking the time to care for them? Are you like, Okay, check Moving on, let's go. And I was like, wow, like, one of the questions on the sheet that we were discussing in our groups was like, How would your group look if you used everyone's gifts? And my question is, but how? So as I share in this group, I'm like, Hey, like in the group, the table of this, you know, this discussion we're having and like, hey, who in your group is actually gifted at Kairos time? Can you look to those people to lead in the pacing and connect in those moments? Like, there are those of us who are already gifted in Kairos time, whereas my guessing neurotypical pastor was like, really got to watch out for, you know, staying in the Chronos all the time. And I'm like, yes, some of us do live there. It's fine. We'll be okay. Right. So of course, I'm hyper focused on this topic, I found this beautiful article by Josep Maria, I'm gonna put the link in the show notes, and he says, Chronos time it seems will eat us alive if we do not constantly keep track of it, and try to control it. Kairos is the qualitative time of life, the Greeks considered it the most appropriate for something new.
Patricia Sung 05:33
The concept has its origins in the practice of Greek arbitrary, representing the moment when the archer finds the perfect opening to shoot his arrow and hit his target. But Kira is, was also the Greek god of opportunity. He had wings on his feet, and he darted about quickly, but if one were alert, one could catch him by the long lock of hair that hung over his otherwise bald head to grasp Kairos time we have to release some of our anxiety around Chronos time, but I think we can learn to keep time in a way that not only makes sure we accomplish our ongoing professional goals and meet our responsibilities, but that also keeps us open to being steered by life in ways that we may not have anticipated. That keeps us discerning enough to read our environment and to adapt accordingly. Ah, I love this man. I don't even know him. Not Joseph wrote this article for a school that I believe is located in Spain. And there are so many cultures and languages that have this concept. These two different words for time are two different concepts for time. In English, we just say the same thing. It's the same word we use a different adjective Right? Like quality time is how we would describe it, because I'm also fluent in Spanish. And one of the travesties of knowing more than one language is when there is not an equivalent word in the other language. And it's so disappointing. You're like, but I want to say this, and I don't have a word for it in this language. Like, I am, like so disappointed right now that I don't have an English word for Kairos. But just because I don't have an exact word for it doesn't mean that I can't lean in into that quality time, because while I have looked back on my life at all the ways that my lack of Chronos time has hurt me and caused me problems, this concept of kairos is a beautiful gift for a lot of us with ADHD. Where are you using your gifts because ADHD does amplify your gifts. Ever since I did the episode, I think it's 158, where I ran through all of like my real life versions of different symptoms of ADHD. And if you haven't listened to that episode, go back and listen to it. It's a really good one. And there's a checklist there that you can print out and make notes and then teach your doctor's appointment to talk to your doctor about your ADHD and give real examples for all the different symptoms that are listed in the DSM five. Ever since I did that episode. I've been wanting to do the flip side of like, yes, here's all the way that we struggle with ADHD. But also here are all the ways that we have gifts with ADHD. Now keep in mind, just like the Symptoms Checklist, when you run through, you're not going to have all of these we're all different people are different humans ADHD shows up differently and everybody but know that you likely have quite a few of these gifts like being an amazing problem solver. Being able to see things that are outside of the box, finding the answers that other people can't see, finding the solutions that other people don't notice.
Patricia Sung 05:33
Often we are quick processors in finding those solutions. We tend to be very observant. We notice a lot of details. A lot of times we can read people well we can solve the whodunit we know the end of the movie before it you know, it gets past the first 20 minutes we notice things we have gifts like hyper focus, high energy, overachieving, pushing for the best. We can be very knowledgeable about a subject very quickly, like the Energizer Bunny. Sometimes that's a physical Energizer Bunny and sometimes it's a mental Energizer Bunny. We make things happen, whether it's through our mental power or physical power, we tend to be very creative. We have a lot of imagination. So many people who are artists, musicians, writers have ADHD. This is the reason you can teach your kid a concept that they're struggling with at school in a way that feels outside of the box. This is the reason you can turn a cardboard box into a great rainy day activity and think of seven ways to use it between now and lunchtime. We are often compassionate people, empathetic people loving people accepting people we welcome in the outliers, we can see things from other people's points of view. We are often people have high morals or high values, we have a strong sense of justice, we fight for what is right, we're not going to sit down when something truly matters to us. We're often pretty funny. All those improv actors probably a good portion of them have ADHD are good conversationalist we can connect with people really enjoy life and appreciate the little things. Sometimes we are super organized and super planners. Because we've developed those coping mechanisms over time that like we get things done, we are persistent, we are resilient, we will find a way to succeed, we keep going in hardship. Even sometimes when it's not that great of an idea, we probably should have let it go. But we keep going. We don't give up. We are often multi passionate people, we can juggle multiple projects. You know, the saying is jack of all trades master of nothing, a lot of times we can be a jack of all trades and master of several things, we often can be spontaneous and fun to be around and really appreciate the joy of life. And ADHD does amplify our gifts. I also believe that our ADHD creates a greater capacity for all these positive things.
Patricia Sung 05:33
So the more creative problem solving skills that you have the way that you can look at problems and find the answers outside of the box. That also means that we have a greater capacity for the negative side of that, which means it's harder for us to stay in the box. So I believe that our capacity for positive equals our capacity for negative because the more you love, the greater the grief is when you lose something, the greater your connection is, the more you feel the emotions when you have wild creative imagination, it also creates the capacity for scary imagination. When you have a really strong sense of justice that creates more anger when wrongs are committed, the more that you lean into Kairos filmora you're not in Chronos when I teach about ADHD in like for example in time management mastery, I straddle that line between Chronos and Kairos because we live in a world that values Kronos, it's a quantifiable thing, we can measure it so when I teach I'm not going to ignore that because the time does matter. Like when your kids doctor's appointment is at 3pm You have to be there at 3pm we have to account For the environment that we're in, right, so I'm not going to ignore that that matters. But I'm also aware that even though Chronos is pushing us forward, the Kairos is far more valuable. It's harder to quantify. It's not really quantifiable, right? It's harder to value because it's a qualitative thing. We are really great at qualitative things, most of the strengths that I just listed off, they're not measurable, you have a great capacity for immeasurable qualitative skills. So getting to the theme for today, is ADHD a superpower?
Patricia Sung 15:42
What do you do when you're really struggling to calm down when you're dysregulated, and your brain is offline? When Medusa mom is about to rear her ugly head, and you don't want to yell at your kids again, but you also desperately need some time and space to yourself? Well, you're in luck, Ma. Because I've got a free video resource waiting for you. I'm sharing my top 10 tips for what to do when you're losing your cool and you need to resign each of these things you can do in under a minute with no fancy prep, so that you can calm down enough to make a different choice than exploding like a volcano on everybody in the vicinity. Now, since it's a video, you can watch what I do for easier practice. And of course, there's audio plus captions to read it. I also have a little cheat sheet underneath of all the ideas so you can grab that list, stick in your phone somewhere so that um, a time where you're like totally freaking out, you can go that list and quickly pick the idea that's going to help you calm down in that moment, head over to patriciasung.com/calm. That's CALM and download your free video and how you can keep your cool when you're overwhelmed. That's patriciasung.com/calm because you can learn how to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your family.
Patricia Sung 16:58
What's the definition of a superpower is having significantly more ability than that around you. Okay, what's inability? Inability is The quality or state of being able or your natural aptitude or acquired proficiency. Now ADHD isn't an ability. So to me, it can be a superpower. The superpowers are our abilities. And those abilities are affected by our ADHD making them super your ADHD makes your powers super. You are the superhero you have superpowers because of your ADHD. Example Superman is a superhero because he's an alien. But his powers his superpowers are super speed super strength. Being an alien is not his superpower. His superpowers are the x ray vision, the super speed, the super strength. But let's be honest here for a second, being a superhero kinda sucks. When you look across the vast majority of superheroes, I don't really I can't think of anybody who's got a super great life. Like Superman struggled to fit in. He was constantly masking who he was. Batman was like a social loner living in a cave. Spider Man can't figure out how to talk to that girl, y'all.
Patricia Sung 18:14
I am not a superhero person. So bear with me. I'm learning a lot because I got two kids, but overall, like if you Okay, right now, my kids are started watching the old X Men cartoons with my husband, like, all of the mutants are really struggling because people treat them like crap. Being a superhero has lots of responsibility, lots of stress, lots of problems. They don't get to beat themselves. They have poor relationships. They're not controlled their day. They're constantly distracted by emergencies. Gotta go save the day. Be back, guys. It sounds glamorous. But it's not. There's a lot of tough stuff that comes with being a superhero. And that's true of people in the ADHD community. Like there's a lot of tough stuff that comes with having ADHD, a lot of people don't feel like their ADHD is a superpower to them when they hear that phrase. And maybe this is you when someone says oh, ADHD is a superpower, it feels like it's glazing over the hardship and putting this glossy sheen on it. And it's not recognizing how much people struggle because of their ADHD. But to me, what I see is that their ADHD is amplifying their problems rather than their gifts, because you have greater capacity for positive and greater capacity for negative. And when all of your ADHD super power Enos is going towards the struggles and not towards the gifts, and that's where you're focusing, and that's where you're struggling, like Yeah, it's hard. It stinks. So hearing people say that it's a superpower feels like it's not accounting for what's hard about it. There are so many people with ADHD who are really struggling day to day who are not doing well. And this can be You for so many reasons it can be environment, family finances, socio economic cultural power differentials, racism, oh my goodness, I could go on and on. There are so many people who can't hold down a job who have addictions who can't pay their bills have strained on the relationships, because of their ADHD and how it affects their life. And a lot of times this superpower narrative, just minimize it so much that it sways to toxic positivity. So hear me loud and clear.
Patricia Sung 20:29
There's a lot of strengths, I just named like 25 of them, I'm sure there's more that I didn't think of those are your superpowers. And that comes with capacity for negative two. This is where we learn how to manage the hard parts and deal with those given the situation that we're in, and also lean into our gifts so that we can also gain the amplified positivity and not just the amplified negativity, because you are the superhero, and you have superpowers and super struggles because of your ADHD. But listen, ADHD itself is not a superpower. Now, I get a lot of people with ADHD, who feel like they don't have a gift. Do you know what your gift is? Because usually what I see in my clients is that your gift comes so easy to you that you don't notice it. Or you don't appreciate it. Because it's just easy for you. It doesn't feel like a superpower to you. Because like it's always there. Just like Superman is like, yeah, I can lift heavy stuff. Yeah. It's not a big deal to him, because he can do it all the time. It's easy for short people to look at tall people and be like, it's such a gift. You know what, but the tall person sure, like, I can just go over and like grab stuff off the shelf. No problem, I don't think about it. I don't see my height as a superpower. Because when you have something all the time, you don't normally appreciate it. This isn't necessarily like somebody who's like, ungrateful. They just don't see it. It's easy for the third party to be like, hey, wow, I really wish I could just grab stuff off the top shelf wish I could just pick up stuff like Superman. But when we have it all the time, a lot of times we don't realize that it's there. We don't appreciate it. Because it's just it's there.
Patricia Sung 22:08
So my question to you is, Has someone said that to you like, oh, man, I wish I could do that too. Because I'm gonna guess that like most people with ADHD, you don't take a compliment while and you're like, oh, no, no, it's no big deal. Don't worry about it. Oh, no, it's nothing. And you shrink back and you make yourself smaller. And you know what, maybe no one has ever pointed it out. You don't need outside validation, to tell you that you are good at things you have things you are good at. What are those things that you do so easily that you don't even realize you can do them? Wow. Again, when I have clients who struggle to see what their gifts are, is usually hidden inside of one of your biggest struggles. Remember capacity for positive and equal capacity for negative one of my clients is an amazing people connector, as in like she connects to people, she gets them, she understands them. She can talk with any, you know, person on the edges and connect with them. But she didn't see that as a gift. When we first started working together. She saw the struggle and is like I can't talk with all these people on the in crowd. She didn't see how she connected with the people on the outside, where she saw weakness in too much emotions in talking to people. That's a gift to be able to see what people are really thinking and really feeling. What are your superpowers? What are your gifts? And how can you use them freely? How can you strengthen them? How can you grow them? How can you use those gifts as the catalyst for success. We're not negating all the struggles that exist. And at the same time, you can also lean in to what you're good at and use that to your advantage for you for your family. I put the challenge before you this week to think about what are the things that come so easy to you that you don't even realize that they're your gifts because everyone has gifts, especially people with ADHD. We have a super power capacity for those gifts when we learn how to cultivate them. I'll talk to you soon successful. For more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com