How to Follow Through When You Forget About Your Goal: Goal Setting with ADHD Part 3 #169
When you have ADHD, you often know what you should do and why you should do it. And yet, you still don’t do it. Ugh.
This week on the podcast, I’m sharing a mini-series on Goal Setting with ADHD. But I’m not talking about the usual advice about consistency and breaking it down into steps. You’ve heard all that before. We’re talking about how to make Goal Setting an ADHD-friendly process.
Today is Part 3, following through on your goals. When you tend to forget about the goal you set, how on earth can you stick to it?
If you haven’t already listened, go back two episodes and listen to Parts 1 and 2 about planning when you’re not good at planning, and finding your motivation.
Part 1 - Episode 167: How to Make a Plan When You Stink at Planning: Goal Setting with ADHD Part 1
Part 2 - Episode 168: How to Find Your Motivation When You Just Don’t Want to Do The Thing: Goal Setting with ADHD Part 2
Stay tuned for putting it all together tomorrow.
It is possible to learn how to set a goal, like planning your week, and achieve it, even with ADHD.
For the accompanying questions for this mini-series, download the worksheet at patriciasung.com/adhd-goal-setting
Patricia Sung 0:02
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family, I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess, Mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung 1:08
Hey there successful mama, it's your friend Patricia Sung will tell you a little story. Before I got sick, I was going to the gym probably five or six times a week. But the only way I could get there is if I had an appointment. Like if I was meeting a friend, if I was going to a class I had a personal training appointment. And for so long, I felt really bad about myself that I couldn't just do it on my own. And I've come to realize that this is how I get stuff done is I make an appointment. And then I follow through because already on the schedule is already planned. I'm already meeting somebody there. So now I'll be there because like there's like a built in consequence of like, not just like disappointing that person. Like I used to think that was the determining factor. But it's not the determining factor is I like to hang out with those people. Like I like hanging out with my trainer. I like going to that class, the positive motivation of showing up is why I end up at the gym. That is far better motivation than any other thing than the negative parts than all the other things like and it works.
Patricia Sung 2:08
So why am I beating myself up for the fact that I found a system that works and I actually show up to the gym? Why do we do this to ourselves, whether you are a stay at home mom with littles who can't see the floor of your car, or your home, you're a homeschooling mom and your kids are always around, you're working outside the home and you never have enough time to plan or you're an entrepreneur, Mama and you're trying to build your business and be a present parent, this is the place to be to get your ish together. I have been teaching my ADHD friendly planning system for over two years to over 150 moms. And I've also been using it myself for the past five years. Before that I taught middle school. So I was teaching 12 year olds how to plan. I have ADHD myself. So I understand how hard it is to figure out the steps that makes sense. The way that I plan now is so different than how I had planned before I had kids and so different than how I planned when I was learning about my ADHD because I didn't know what I didn't know about ADHD. And I was trying to do everything like everyone else did it. But here's the thing, this works.
Patricia Sung 3:15
This week, I'm sharing a series that will help you set up your week. Well, it's all about goal setting with ADHD. And specifically, the goal that we're talking about is planning your week, I want you to be able to feel less stress every day, because you have a plan that you know is going to work. I'm going to be sharing several strategies this week. So if you want the notes, go download them over on my website, it's patriciasung.com/adhd-goal-setting. So patriciasung.com/adhd-goal-setting. It will also be in the show notes here in the episode so that you can follow along and know the questions that I'm asking and jot down your thoughts, making it super easy to work through this ordeal.
Patricia Sung 3:56
Now I'm always super straight with you. So this mini series is kicking off the start of a meetup that I'm going to be hosting coming up in December, I've been meeting with my students every week for over a year and a half. And it is so good. Being able to hear other moms who are dealing with the same issues that you are means you know that you're not alone, you're not broken. Like there's nothing wrong with you. There are other people whose brains work just like yours does, or very similarly, and you know, it's not you. So starting in December, these meetups will be open to anyone, not just the students in my class. And I'm going to share all that with you very soon. And if you're ready to meet up like, Hey, let's go you still gotta wait to the end of the week to sign up but I want you to know that this is for you. It's here. This community is waiting for you. It is $27 for the month, which is less than a coffee run each week. So you know I'm not telling you not to have your coffee. What I'm saying is you're already spending a couple dollars on something that makes you happy and is gone in a couple of minutes, or sits there cold and you forget about it, like this meeting, hanging out with people who get you is so valuable, hands down. I know, it's sort of that couple of dollars that you're spending every week, having ADHD friendly accountability and community matters. And because I like to reward the impulsivity that usually gets us in trouble, you will also be getting a VIP bonus, a very impulsive person, bonus at the end of this week to try it out for just a couple of weeks. So if you're listening in real time, you can find that coupon code in your inbox, make sure you're on my email list. We're gonna talk all about it later this week.
Patricia Sung 5:42
Now I know that you could possibly be thinking Patricia, next month is December, the holidays are too hard. I am not learning anything new, like I can't possibly put anything else on my plate. It's challenge. I don't have time to plan, I don't have time to build a new habit. Like it's too much. And what I want to say to you is, first of all, this is not complicated. You can totally do it. Like if I can get fifth graders to figure out how to plan I promise I can help you do it. Second, I have ADHD. So this is super ADHD friendly. And third, when you are overwhelmed, that is the season that you need it most that busy stressful time is when you need the most support, not the least support the most support, back to school, summer chaos, holidays, new kids like that is the time where you need more support, not less support, figuring out how to plan your week has never been this easy. I'm going to show you how. And we are going to make a difference in your life, we're gonna make it happen.
Patricia Sung 6:44
Welcome back to part three of ADHD style goal setting where you're learning how to plan your week and how to achieve goals in a way that makes sense for your brain. So today, we're learning about follow through. And I think you're gonna love what you hear on the other side. First off, let me say thank you so much for the sweet notes I love seeing you post about it like on Instagram or in our free Facebook group like just means a lot to thank you. I appreciate you saying hi and letting me know that this matters to you. Now, if you missed parts one and two, please go back to episodes and listen to how to make an ADHD friendly plan. As well as finding your motivation. It'll just make a lot more sense when you get to here. Because when you have those two pieces in place, it makes so much more sense what we're doing here, I want you to know that you have the possibility there to have a successful and happy life, you can figure out how to build up your confidence and your self image and learn to trust yourself.
Patricia Sung 7:40
Again, you can figure out how not to be overwhelmed all the time, you can overcome time blindness in not that like you're magically going to understand time, you can have strategies in place so that it's not a point of stress. You don't worry about what you forgot to do or what you didn't account for. You know how to work with that part of your brain that you can have the possibility to attain your dreams and build businesses or start nonprofits or have space for that new hobby and not feel guilty that you weren't cleaning while you did your fun thing like that you can have space to enjoy your life. You can have space for quality time with your family, like be present with them. And it not be a burden or stress. You can love your life. You can like your life, it is possible.
Patricia Sung 8:28
Now, for a long time, I beat myself up for how I didn't make goals happen because it's easy to like, explain it away with mom life like oh, man, my kid got sick today. And things are off schedule. Because look, there's another early dismissal day and there's no school for some reason today or my kids sick. And now they can't go to daycare, and they might be contagious. There's always something popping up when you're a mom. And a lot of times we just forget that we're trying to work on that goal. Like there's always a way to fall off the rails when you have ADHD even when you know what to do. Even when you've identified why this matters to you. And you know what your motivation is? And we still don't do it. Ah, it's one of the hardest parts about having ADHD because it affects our self esteem so much. So how do we actually follow through? How do we do the commitment that we made to ourselves, the first thing we need is to have kind and gracious self talk. I was already telling you earlier in this series about like, I used to beat myself up because I didn't do the plan perfectly every day I would get mad at myself because the only way I could go to the gym was to meet somebody there. And I have made so many changes in the way that I approach how I attack things and how I measure my success. And a lot of that comes down to being kind and gracious with myself talk.
Patricia Sung 9:46
My goal now is not that I have to do it every single time perfectly. It's that did I do this more often than not? I don't have to do something every single day for me to achieve a goal. Sure that probably helps. But that's not my reality. I know long Her count with trackers like how many times I did something, because what I would do, maybe you're like me, where you spend more time looking at how you didn't do it on these days, you didn't achieve the goal, you you're beating yourself up for what you didn't do, rather than putting that energy towards figuring out like how you can do it, or actually doing it so that you're moving forward is so much wasted time, beating yourself up, wasted energy, telling yourself how much you stink. It is such a waste of energy to be unkind to yourself. It doesn't change us. It doesn't make us achieve goals. When we speak to ourselves like that.
Patricia Sung 10:41
Another huge waste of time and energy is throwing away the system we had thinking that like it's not working now. And we go and look for a new one. Remember, it's not a systems issue, it's a self talk issue. Be kind to yourself, where can you put that energy instead, into the planning and execution? Iterating. What you have iterating means like taking the thing that you have, and like making it slightly different or better in order to like make it work. You know, I talk a lot about the science experiment, like you put on your lab coat and you try it and you gather information about whether or not this works. And that information tells you what you can do to modify or change what you're doing. But it's not. Let's throw that out completely and start over. It's how can we make a small change and make this a little bit better? Because you know what to do? You don't need another system, you need to be kind with yourself. How can we make things interesting? Again, without starting from scratch, like let's be proactive. Like if this is something that you want to like really dig into. I'm starting a group coaching program in February, just keep an eye out just throwing it out there.
Patricia Sung 11:43
Okay. Number two, what else do you need? Besides kind and gracious self talk? It's being proactive, we're circling back to what we talked about in the first episode. Setting a time to do it, though, like this is the practice part is specifically making a time where you're going to do those things, making that commitment to yourself, just like I said, like when I show up to the gym, it's because I had made a plan. And it's going to happen, like if we just expect that we're magically going to find a place to do our goals. It's never going to happen. Mom, life is way too busy, for things to just magically happen. So we have to have a plan of where are we going to set aside this time. In this case, we're talking about our goal setting and planning, we're talking about creating our plan for the week, what's coming up, when you set aside that 10 or 15 minutes in a week to have a rough plan of what's coming up. When you bring that not now into the now like you bring it all into the forefront, your brain starts to marinate on like how you can tackle these things. And so you're not being surprised by all the problems that pop up, you have a chance to work through like, Ooh, I just realized that. I have double booked like I'm supposed to drop this kid off. At the same time. I'm supposed to pick this kid up. And you can think of like, what are all my solutions? That's where your amazing creative and problem solving brain can think of like seven ideas of how you might be able to fix this.
Patricia Sung 13:00
When you're stressed your brains like there's no solution. Oh, no, I'm a horrible not there. There's no way that your brain can accomplish something good when you're stressed in the moment. So we're looking at it proactively. When can you set aside this time to make a rough plan for the week, it is a falsehood that we believe that it has to be at exactly the same time every day, every week, like you can mix it up, I'm going to be telling you about the meetups that we're gonna be doing. And yes, they are going to be the same time every week. So it's easy for you to remember. But like you don't have to do your daily plan at the exact same time every day. Like if you miss 9:08am, like it's not going to fall apart. You can have it be at different times based on what's going on in your life. Like it can be like I do this every time I'm sitting around picking like a kid up from an activity, which could be all times of the day, there's always a different way to mix it up and make it interesting for your brain. It doesn't have to be exactly the same. It doesn't have to be quote unquote consistent at the exact specifications every time. Okay, but Mecco you're all fired up about that and consistency. Okay. Brief, Patricia. Okay.
Patricia Sung 14:05
Another idea of being proactive is when you're setting aside your time to plan ahead. How can you bundle it with something you already do? Something that you automatically are already doing? bundle it with that? Don't try to make a whole new habit, Velcro it on to something that you're already doing. Okay, bundle it together. Now you're asking like, Well, how am I going to stick with it? We talked yesterday about the motivation of like, how do you have motivation to show up? That's positive. Like in writing this episode, I did some research and accountability. And I realized like, this is what I was going to be saying to you is like, here's accountability, and then I researched what accountability is. And I was like, two thumbs down. Don't want that. Because here's what accountability is. When you're looking at the definition. It says like someone who's responsible, like who's in charge of a task, they're capable of being trusted. That's what responsible is. And I'm like a how many of us are like, well, you know what, I don't trust myself. So why should anybody else trust me? Well, I hear you Like, that's what I do every day to myself, like self coaching myself through like when I think these things, this is what I talk to you about. If you're doing one on one coaching with me group coaching with me like, this is why I want the podcast over and over again. It's like how do we learn how to trust yourself? How do you learn like what you do and how you work? When you know yourself, that's how you can learn to trust yourself again, because you're trying to do it, however else tells you to do it, not how you actually can actually do it. Like what makes sense for you. Okay?
Patricia Sung 15:26
So, accountability is after the fact, when you hold someone accountable when they didn't do the thing they are responsible for. So that's like, if you were not to show up to the meetup, and I was to call you and be like, Where were you? I'm holding you accountable. You said you were going to be there. Why weren't you there? Is that going to motivate you to send like to show up next time? Probably not, you probably will just feel bad. And then avoid me for all of time, because that's what we like to do. I'm just not gonna talk to that person ever again. Okay. That's not what we're doing here. That's what we're avoiding. That's what we're trying to change. Right? Not to be a negative consequence for not showing up. We want it to be a positive consequence for showing up beforehand. Accountability. Is that a thing? I don't think so. I think it just made it up. We want beforehand accountability, so that you want to show up. Not that I'm getting beat up for what I didn't do later on when I realized I forgot it, because I didn't forget it on purpose. You know, we want to show up, right? We want to do this thing. This goal is important to us. We want to do it.
Patricia Sung 16:25
So how do we make it so that we really want to show up for our planning time? I just told you yesterday like the reason I would show up to Pilates is because I loved my teacher Chelsea, I love hanging out with her. She's like one of my favorite humans on the planet. And I'm really sad. She just moved. Now I gotta find another teacher. So that's the whole thing. But anyways, I digress. What matters is that I loved hanging out with Chelsea, so I would show up to Pilates. When I did weight training. I met Danielle, I love my trainer, Danielle, I showed up. Because I liked hanging out with Danielle. So why would you show up to the planning meeting? Because you're like hanging out with the people at the planning meeting. This is literally how you can show up for anything is to figure out how can you make it really great to show up there. And then do that.
Patricia Sung 17:10
I want you to have that gift of community and belonging where you know, you're not alone. And you want to show up to do the plan. Once you know this about yourself, like you can apply this to any goal. It's like how do I make this cool, fun, joyful, I feel good, I feel successful. I have all the happy dopamine swirling around me in my brain. It sounds lovely. What gets that friendship, people who get you being a place that you belong creating community. That is why this community of moms is wonderful. When one of the moms was leaving the retreat, she gave me the biggest hug and was like Patricia, this is the first time I've ever felt like I can just be myself ever.
Patricia Sung 17:54
Now I'm crying, like to know that she has gone her entire life and not felt like she could be herself breaks my heart. And I know that you have probably felt that a lot too. This community is a place where you can be yourself. My students have been meeting for like a year and a half, probably almost two years. And there are moms who show up not every week because Sometimes life happens. That's That's my life. But like, almost every week for months, for six months, a year, 18 months. Why? Because it's fun. We like hanging out with each other like we have. We're friends now. Like, I want that for you. I want you to find your people, I want you to show up to this meetup and be like, Hey, I like you. Let's hang out. Let's exchange phone numbers. Let's text together like build your village of moms who get you. I'm hoping that we get to the point where we have so many moms, I'm gonna be like, I don't even know what to do with all these people. I'll figure it out. Because that's what brains do. When you have ADHD, you figure out the plant like program leader. I'm like, I don't even know how much resuming holds go. But I'm hoping that it's full and I gotta upgrade my plan. Because I want you to find the people that you can count on. Because when you have a plan and you have a set time to do it and you want to be there, you will achieve your goal. You will build your confidence you'll build your self image, build yourself trust, you'll be less stressed because you know what's happening you know what's coming up, you'll be able to figure out like how do you make time to start that business that nonprofit? How do you have time with your kids? How do you be present with them and actually like enjoy talking to the tiny humans that you have created in your family?
Patricia Sung 19:33
I want you to feel lighter and not overwhelmed and you will do that when you have people around you who are like oh I feel that way too. I totally get that weird thing that most the time if you say that out loud someone gives you weird sad i But hear your entire Zoom Room of moms are like Oh yeah. All the knotting. Like I can't tell you how many times a mom was afraid to say something. You could see like in her eyes. She's like, I don't want to say this out loud, but I'm gonna say it anyway. And she comes out with something that like you would never tell anyone else because they would just report you to CPS or think you're a horrible human. And everyone else in the room is like, yep.
Patricia Sung 20:10
Then their alcoholic parent, from their childhood drama, Ben there want to punch my partner in the face because they keep saying dumb stuff to me been there. Like we get it. Because we have the same kind of brain that you do. And I know that you might be thinking like, oh, but what if I don't fit in, I would fit in and a lot of ways my whole life, you will find people that get you we constantly have new moms coming in. And somehow it's always still comfortable. Like you would think at this point. If it's been 18 months, at some point, somebody comes in and says something awkward. Yes, happens a lot. We're used to it. We're like, yep, that's what happens around here. And you figure out who are the people that you draw even closer to and connect with them.
Patricia Sung 20:56
Like, at our retreat in October, we had eight women from all over the country, totally different backgrounds. And yet, we all got along, because we all have something in common. We all have ADHD, I have absolutely loved doing this daily episode, which was who was a little overwhelmed of like, who can I do all that that sounds like a lot. And I did it. Because I knew how does this benefit me is that I know that I am helping hundreds if not 1000s of moms get it together by doing these episodes, and being able to make a plan and know what's going on in your life this week, so that you don't feel like a failure of a human and that you can have less stress and less overwhelm. Because you are prepared. That's why I put together this kind of series. I love digging into this kind of stuff with you, as much as it's hard to dig into these tough feelings and tell you all my like, secrets about how I'm I don't have it all together. It's like, this is still rewarding for me, because I know it's helping you. I love your sweet notes that tells me that this is making a difference. Literally you guys are the reason I do this. Because knowing that I can help you change the generational trauma in your family, and do something different and teach you the skills that you need to know to be successful, so that you can then teach your kids these skills and they can be successful. And that ADHD doesn't have to be this doom and gloom.
Patricia Sung 22:27
My life is over stressful. And it can be like I figured out how to be me and love my life. And yes, I still forget to unload the dishwasher every morning and my husband gives me a hard time about it. Could you please allow these clean dishes? I'm like, oh, one day I'll figure it out. I Oh. But you know what, overall, I figured out how to live a great life with ADHD. And I want that for you too. And I know that this is making such a huge impact on you and every other mamas listening, I hope this has helped you figure out how you can plan. And if you don't decide to come to my new thing, it's totally fine. I want you to still have the skills to do it on your own. Find a way to employ all of these things that we've talked about this week, so that you can figure out how to plan your week so that makes sense for you.
Patricia Sung 23:17
I'm sure you're wondering, like what the heck is all this, you really need to Patricia, let me tell you a little bit I'm gonna tell you more tomorrow. But here's the basics. We are starting successful mama meetups in December. If you want to be part of this group, here's what entails. Every week, we're gonna have a set time to proactively plan together. This is our weekly meetup. But it's going to be a twist between both productive time and social time. So the first half the first 30 minutes, I'm going to give you a clear plan of like, this is what we're prepping this week, we're going to have our daily plan. And sometimes we'll have an extra twist of like, Hey, we're looking at the month ahead, take you know the first 10 minutes to look at your next month and then look at your daily plans or your weekly plans. So we'll have like probably five minutes where I'll give you the plan. And then you'll have 25 ish minutes to work on the plan on your own. So it's set you got all your other mamas there with you together, we're making the plan. And then the second half is social time where we're gonna hang out together and make friends and chat and chit chat and have fun and know that we're not the only ones who are like this because I want to pair together the reward of having fun with friends with the work time so that it's not I have to earn this time. I have to like earn being happy by being productive first. It's like no, together, we are being productive and happy. We are doing the thing we want to do and enjoying it. Like together. This is how like ADHD works is that we're spending so much time trying to earn happiness. Like if I just worked harder. I didn't do enough today that we lose the joy and like the joy is what motivates us to get stuff done. That's where we actually like doing the plan because we're doing it with our fun run next to us.
Patricia Sung 25:01
Now you can join super soon. Tomorrow, I'm going to tell you about it. And I'm gonna have a special price just for this weekend to kick off the meetup. So when you joined by Sunday, you'll be able to try it out for just a couple dollars, and then it'll go up to the regular price in December when we start. So this is the time to give it a try for just a couple dollars. And if you already like Patricia, this is for me, I'm N, you can sign up for an annual plan, which means you will get a free month by signing up for like the full plan. So keep an eye out for that.
Patricia Sung 25:30
Our very first meetup is going to be on Wednesday, December 7. So market time now. I'm gonna be sharing all the details tomorrow. And in the meantime, I would love to know how this helped you. So please share with a friend send me a note. join the Facebook group tell me what is working for you send me an email or DM me like tell me what meant something to you like what did you learn? How is this working for you? I love hearing from you. I read every single email and DM that come in personally, I try to respond to as many of them as I can. I'm actually a little behind right now. So I that's actually my like, you know, one of those like, literally I do that my duty listing is I read every single one and I respond to as many as I can, no matter how long it takes me. Like right now I'm probably like two weeks behind on responding to emails, like I just started at the earliest ones and I'm working my way forward. Like, I love talking to you. It makes my heart happy. So please tell me how this meant something to you. Push me, motivate me and knowing that it makes a difference for you. So I will see you tomorrow for our final installment of goal setting ADHD sale, and I'll talk to you soon successful.
Patricia Sung 26:41
For more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com