I Don’t Know What Else To Do! 5 Ways to Find Fresh Solutions When You Feel Stuck and Hopeless in the Same Old Frustrating Problems #215
“I’ve tried everything!”
When you’re dealing with a particularly frustrating problem that’s gone on for years, like parenting your exasperating child, looking for relief from a chronic health issue, or advocating for your child struggling at school, you start to run out of energy AND optimism.
When you’ve got a situation that feels hopeless…
When you’ve run out of ideas…
When you’ve looked under every rock and barked up every tree…
Should you just give up?
Sigh.
Except you REALLY want to find a solution. You’re not ready to give up on your kid, your health, the things that truly matter to you.
What’s a mom to do?
My kindergartener surprised me with his fresh take on counting last week, and it made me think twice about how I look at the same-old-same-old.
In today’s episode, I’m sharing five valuable ways to find a fresh perspective when you feel overwhelmed or stuck. Let’s look outside the box and past the same advice you’ve heard 37 times to find what you actually need or could use.
These are the kinds of problems that are worth another go. You’re worth it, too.
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After our first session together, you’ll know how to stay cool when your Uncle Roger starts with his political BS at the next holiday party. It won’t ruin the day for you.
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The group starts in 2024, so put your name on the waitlist now to get signup details, so you’ll know that after the holidays are over and the kids are back in school, you are ready to get your life together and your emotions in control.
You’ll learn the skills you wish you knew growing up to make adulting easier as someone with ADHD and you’ll be able to teach your kids how to live well with ADHD.
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Patricia Sung 00:00
As we're driving home from my oldest’s piano lesson the other day, my kindergartener was counting by fives and I hear him like 75 80 85 90 95 100. And I was like, Hey, good job. I was like, really surprised she could do that in. And he's like, Oh, well, it's easy. You just skip four numbers. And then you say the next one, does it? What? Like, at no point, if I were to describe counting by fives, would I include skipping four numbers? Like I realized that? I mean, at this point, obviously, like as a 40 year old, like, I just haven't memorized. But if I were to explain to somebody, I would think about it like in groups. I'm a very visual learner, like, I would think about counting the next group of five, and just saying the total but but if I were to explain to somebody like how you go from counting by fives, like 15 to 20, at no point would I be like, then you're going to skip 16 17 18 and 19 and just say 20.
Patricia Sung 00:52
Like, that never would have crossed my mind in my first round of explanations and probably several other rounds, to be honest. And it made me think about sometimes we just need a fresh perspective on things to be able to do something new and different and hard. Are you overwhelmed by motherhood, and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy, you can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family? I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families. Well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on.
Patricia Sung 02:09
Welcome to motherhood in ADHD. Before we dive into today's episode, here's our review of the week. This one is from Elle Lewis met. I love Patricia, the topic she covers are well researched, this podcast has been so helpful and relevant in my life. Things I don't even know I need to know I'm learning. Being a mother and a wife is hard. Specially with an ADHD brain. This show has helped me be better for my family and for myself. Ah, yes, ma'am. It is hard. And I am so proud of you for working to be better, not just for yourself, but recognizing how much it affects the people around you and the ripple effect that our actions have on our families, it is not a selfish thing to take care of yourself, because that is how you take care of the rest of your family. So hi, five, you're doing great. If you have not yet left a review for the podcast, please head over to your app, hopefully hit five stars.
Patricia Sung 03:03
And let me know what you think. Over the last month or so I really cut back on my social media, trying to break some habits and like find the right ways to create boundaries in my social media usage. And so I've just been popping in to check on my Facebook groups. And the other day when I opened it up, the first thing that popped up on my feed was this Facebook group that I'm in for chronic illnesses and pots. And the post that popped up is this girl's asking for help and saying like, does anybody have any good recommendations on like, like, she's specifically looking for a psychologist that could do therapy, but also prescribed medicine, but wanting alternative therapies because like, I've tried all the things in everyone I see it seems like like what I'm dealing with is too much for them and they don't know how to help me and I've done all the things I'm like, I need something different.
Patricia Sung 03:57
And I'm like reading through the comments in this person posting kept saying like, well, that idea is not gonna work for me that it is not gonna work for me and like, besides the fact that psychologists can't prescribe medicine, like she's hoping for like this all in one solution. And a lot of people were like, hey, like, I have not found an all in one solution. Because usually like if somebody has a specialty, like they have a specialty not all in one solution. There's like this part of me that was torn because on one hand and like I get it like I've been there and those posts were like I have tried everything. And nobody can help me like where's the person that can help me and at the same time this person kept saying like, no to all the ideas that were coming in, and it felt like they didn't have a fresh perspective. So like when I was pondering this episode of like here, my kindergarteners giving me fresh perspective on how to count by fives and like, here's this woman who's like trying desperately for something that's extremely important to her and yet can't find a solution. It's like how do we keep that open mind and look for the fresh perspective on something when we feel downtrodden when you've done all the things when you've tried all the things and like sometimes that's With your help, sometimes that's with your kid who's struggling and you don't know how to connect with them. Like, there's so many times in life, especially as moms like that we feel like we've tried all the things we have done all the things we can think of, and we don't know how to fix the problem.
Patricia Sung 05:14
So I want to offer you five ways that we can look for a fresh perspective on something when it feels like we don't have any more answers when it feels overwhelming when we feel burnt out. Where's the fresh perspective that can help us move forward? So I fully believe like, there's nothing new under the sun, like there is someone out there that has an answer. For most things like, yes, there's plenty in the world we don't understand yet. But like a lot of the problems that you're dealing with somebody else has dealt with, too. And somebody somewhere found the solution for this. So how do we look for that fresh perspective, when it feels like we tried all the things? Right, number one, having the awareness that we want to look outside the box, like I told this lady, hey, I know that my advice is probably not what you're looking for. But if you're looking for like, literally like, what's the thing that I can't find, then we can't look inside the box? Like, it may not be that this person has more credentials, and it's like one person going to solve all the problems? Maybe that's not the thing to look for, like, what else can you look for outside the box? And I think when we have ADHD, because we often exist outside the box, and we're always trying to find a way to like squish ourselves inside the box, that a lot of times we look for a solution inside the box, because we think that's where we're supposed to be.
Patricia Sung 06:26
So like I told her Yes, like, do go see a psychiatrist for medicine. But like, can you look at a functional medicine doctor or like neuroplasticity coaching? Like, I never ever thought that I would be one over here supporting functional medicine because I was such a like in the box person. Like that's how I functioned with my ADHD was like, How do I stay perfect? How do I do all the things? How do I check all the boxes? Like if you'd asked me five years ago, if I would be like functional medicine, neuroplasticity, take all the supplements like no, that would not have been me. But now I know that like I can't stay inside the box. That's not me. And I have to look outside the box for different information. So first is just that awareness of knowing that like I'm willing to look outside the box, I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone to try something different.
Patricia Sung 07:13
Especially when we've been trained to stay inside the box that it's okay for us to look outside the box. And that we want to look for things that exist outside the box. Number two, we have to hold an open mind to hear the same things over and over again to find the gym. So like you can hear it in my voice. I'm still trying to get over this sinus infection. And I was saying like I am doing all the things I can think of like I have my usual regimen of like, what do I do with a sinus infection, because this is one thing that like, I mean, pre pandemic, it's like I would get one every year and I knew my little spiel to do to try to get rid of it. And like I had to admit like I am not getting better. And I need extra help. I went to the doctor a second time to do more things I asked one of my clients was an en te pa shout out Hey, Kimberly, thank you like, she's like, if you need any help, let me know. And I'm like at this point, like, I will take literally any and all advice like tell me all your things.
Patricia Sung 08:13
And yes, you know what most of the stuff she told me I'm doing. But there were like two or three things in there that like I did not know or like one was like something I had done in the past, like forgot about it. She also told me something that I probably shouldn't be doing good to know. Like, if I had just said like, oh, no, I already know all the things I'm already doing 53 things to try to get better than I wouldn't have found those two to three ideas to say, Hey, I'm willing to try these other things in order to get better. So I had to listen to hearing the same thing that I've already done 14 times in the last month in order to find the things that I didn't know about. So we have to have an open mind to be willing to hear the people tell us the same things over and over again so that we can pick up the little gems that lie within that we may not have heard of.
Patricia Sung 08:58
Because if we don't say Well listen to other people's advice, then we'll never get to that one gem that we didn't know about. Before we continue on I want to say thank you to our sponsors whose support allows me to bring you this podcast for free, I have reduced the mental load as a mom by using the Skylight Calendar. Over the last few months it has been in our kitchen with adorable pictures of our family and our family calendar. So this keeps me from being the gatekeeper. I love that it is visual color coded. There's a chore chart with emojis for kids who are still learning how to read the app is super convenient and you also have the option to connect it to your digital calendar. This has been a game changer for us to all stay on the same page and avoid those unfortunate miscommunications that happen as a special offer you get 10% off your purchase when you use the code PATRICIA at Skylightcal.com and get your very own digital calendar frame.
Patricia Sung 09:55
That's skylightcal.com and the promo code PATRICIA to save. Number three, is to ask the right people. It's important to be around the people who get you like this lady in the Facebook group asked them the right place, she asked a bunch of people who are also struggling with chronic illness and pots and dysautonomia, and all this stuff, too. Like that's the right people to ask. Because when you have tried all the things, you get it and you can help someone feel seen and understood and heard, like, that's super helpful to like, have that camaraderie like yeah, this is really hard. That matters. But we also want to be asking the right people, because yes, again, they may tell us 14 things that we've already done. But they are probably the most likely the ones who are going to have that little snippet, that little gem that's new to SMB didn't know, like last week, in group coaching, one of my students was like, Hey, I'm really struggling with trying to get through all these computer tasks. And we were talking about time blocking and how I teach time blocking, like in a different way for ADHD, it's not the traditional time blocking that you read about because moms don't have giant blocks one and two, like, we can't divide tasks the way other people divide tests. So for example, where she was struggling if she wanted a block for computer tasks, but she's like, I have a lot of computer tasks, I have volunteer work that I do, I have like paperwork I do for the kids school, I've got this, I've got that, like all these things are floating around my email. So if I sit down and do a computer task, and I know I'm going to work on my volunteer project, and all sudden I see this email from the school that I forgot to respond to. And then I ended up down a rabbit hole, and I never circle back to the project. So when we say time blocking, a lot of times what we get is too vague, like computer ties too vague. Instead, what we need to do is break it down into the smaller steps.
Patricia Sung 11:36
Like when we have ADHD, a lot of times we think of doing the project as one step, like we actually think about doing a project, there's a lot of different steps that go into it. It's like, you know, having a plan, getting the supplies, finding your information, looking at your requirements and your parameters, then there's the actual like making the plan actually doing the plan, cleaning up all the stuff like this whole bunch of steps in there, and our brain just goes do the task. But going into her email to get the information about the project. And then seeing the other email about school means that that gathering step of going to the email to get all the stuff you need means you're also finding other things that you need to do. That gathering of information and like sorting through the emails is a different group of tasks, that is separate from actually doing the volunteer project.
Patricia Sung 12:23
So that means that for us, when we have he like dividing things into different kinds of activities is really helpful for us. So my suggestion to her was like, Hey, if you go into your email, and you're finding three other things that you need to do, then that means like, we can make a block that's just doing that, like go into the email and sort through all the things that need to be sorted and answer the little things from school like that can be a separate task, or it could be two separate tasks. But when we know that that is accounted for when we enter our email, and we see that other thing, like, Oh, I forgot to respond to the school, when we know that that task is accounted for elsewhere. And we know that that's in my sort through the email tasks, then we can go into the email and not worry about it. Or if that's you're like, No man, I'm so enamored with that I get Yeah, that that makes my brain hurt, then in that case, is it okay, cool, then that means that first we need to do the gathering, let's sort through the email and deal with all the things before we do the project.
Patricia Sung 13:19
That means instead, now this block is sorting through the email, and the next block you have available will be actually doing that project. So that is like the flexible part of like, when you have an ADHD friendly system, it's not like I'm sitting down and I have to do this thing right now. It's like, okay, well, what piece am I going to do right now. And I know that those other pieces are accounted for. And that means that when you actually sit down to go do that project, you will get into your email with a whole bunch of other things jumping up at you, because you already did that. So we create these systems like makes sense for your brain. And we set up the steps to make sense for you. But she was like, wow, I never thought about that way. Like I never thought about the fact that like going into an email to get the instructions from the person that I'm doing the volunteer project for was like a different activity than actually doing the project. It's like, yeah, when you know how your brain works, you can start to see things in a different way.
Patricia Sung 14:09
And it's a huge stress relief to know like there's solution here, I just offered three options to figure out how to avoid this email, black hole, and it's flexible, you're not stuck with whatever you decided you can make it fit you. So you want to make sure that you're asking the right people, people who understand ADHD brains when you're trying to solve an ADHD problem. Number four, is giving yourself credit for what you've already done. It is hard to see things from a fresh perspective, if you're not giving yourself credit from what you've already done. At the other day, I was tracking in therapy about struggling with like timeliness and stuff. And in general, I've made huge strides in being on time to things there's still a couple of places where it's a struggle, and I don't expect those things to like magically go away. I don't expect to like never have problems with time.
Patricia Sung 14:57
But like when I was talking to her about like the frustration I was talking about was actually like But it upsets my husband when we're running behind. And I'm like going through like, I have tried all the things and she's like, Well, have you tried this? Have you tried that? And of course, I'm like, yes, yes, yes. And then I was like, and then I was like, and you know what else I've done? And I listed off all the stuff. And she was like, wow, like, you've done a lot like, have you celebrated the fact that you have tried all of these things in order to solve this problem? Like, it shows that you have really worked hard to find a solution here. And I was like, Oh, you're right. And she's like, you know, what, if you talk to your husband about like, I'm sorry that this is affecting you. Here's the 43 things that I have done in order to like work on this so that you understand how this is important to me. Because a lot of times like when we hear ADHD is an excuse, the other person doesn't see the work we put in and was probably because we didn't give ourselves credit for it.
Patricia Sung 15:44
So if I say to him, Look, this is really important to me. Here's the 43 things that I did to try to solve this. And I haven't found the solution, but I'm going to keep trying, then he knows like, hey, Patricia really did try and look at the 43 things she did. She's not just saying, oh, Oops, my bad, I'll work on that. No, I won't. Being able to like give myself a pat on the back. Like, I need that reminder to say I'm doing a lot here. And you probably need that reminder to man, like when you look through all the things you've done, it's like okay, yeah, I have been trying really hard. And then it also gives the other person like, evidence to have like, see, I have been trying very hard. But anyway, that's another topic. Okay. So that's number four is giving yourself credit for what you've done, helps you stay motivated, and give you the like, oomph forward to continue to look for a perspective shift. It's not that you're being lazy, and that you haven't tried to figure it out like you have done a lot you've really tried hard, that will help propel you forward in knowing that you're really working hard on this thing.
Patricia Sung 16:41
Mama, are you looking for some extra support? Could you use a few more like minded mamas in your circle? Here is your official invitation to join our Facebook group, the motherhood in ADHD community. Here, you can ask questions, share advice, but most importantly, know that you're not alone. Click on the link in the show notes or search on Facebook for motherhood in ADHD community. So come join our little corner of the internet with other mamas who know how your brain works and won't look at you crazy when you share what's floating around inside there. Instead, they'll say I get it. I've been there. And I know how that is. So come on, what are you waiting for? See in there. Again, that's the motherhood in ADHD community on Facebook.
Patricia Sung 17:25
And then number five, to find a fresh perspective on something is to examine your old perspectives, like do they still fit you like, does it still fit your needs, like you'll hear me a lot say like, old Patricia would have done this. But like now I don't like a lot of times we forget that, like we change and we grow and we're different in what we needed before isn't necessarily what we needed. Now. Even yesterday, I was working with a client who was just super overwhelmed. She was like, I don't know how to get this stuff done. I'm going on a camping trip this weekend, and my partner is going to travel next week for work. And then we're going away for Thanksgiving. And, you know, I got these volunteer commitments, and the kids are off school tomorrow. And then I gotta go check with the guidance counselor for my other kid. Oh, it's like, she's feeling really overwhelmed. And like one of the first things I do like when I check in with anyone that I'm working with is they'll be like, Hey, where are we right now, like, sometimes we need a big deep breath.
Patricia Sung 18:20
And like sometimes like we're struggling because of mindset. And sometimes we're struggling for like a tactical reason. And like this point, she's like, I don't know how to get all this stuff done. And that was what was causing the overwhelm. So we like brain dumped everything that she had going on and sorted it through. And as we're going through this list, she goes, Well, I need to go to this meeting tonight. But it's like two or three hours long. But you know what, I'll just stay for like an hour and a half or two hours. And I was like Mert red flag to add red flags in there. One she said all just stay Verba. Anytime we say all just to do No, you won't know you will be probably not gonna do that. So like that tells me right there that like, we're trying to find like a reason to justify something that like may not be the most realistic solution. And the other red flag phrase in there for ADHD was I need to whenever we say I need to, whenever you hear that phrase come out of your mouth, I need to then I want you to ask why. Why do you need to need is an obligation word. And so we want to look at like, Why do we feel obligated to do this thing. So when we dig into it, she's telling me like this meeting is for the same volunteer commitment as like all the prep she needed to do for this weekend. So she needs to pack for this camping trip.
Patricia Sung 19:31
And there's also a meeting about the camping trip tonight. So when we're talking through like why do you need to be at this meeting? Especially because if she's telling me like well, I'm going to leave early that tells me that like you don't feel like you need to be there the whole time. So why do you need to go at all in when we dig into it? It's like two reasons. One, the security of knowing like when we have ADHD a lot of times we miss information. So we feel like if we have more information, more research, we investigate more options. We go to more meetings. As we get more information, somehow this is going to help us make the right decision. And at some point, we have to cut off the amount of information gathering we're doing, because it's different. If it's like, Hey, I don't know what's going on, I gotta go to this meeting to get the information about the trip. That's a different conversation, if you know very little and need this information for the trip versus I already know 95% of what's going on. And I'm going to gather another 2% of information here. In that case, like spending three hours to get 2% More information is not worth it. And the second part is, she was like, Well, I said, I'd be there. And a lot of times when we have ADHD, we've been told that we're flaky because we forget things or we feel flaky because we, you know, missed something. Or we're like trying to make up for the fact that we screw up and mess up stuff and miss things. And a lot of times, like, we don't feel like we follow through on our word, because we forgot.
Patricia Sung 20:51
So we do things. So we don't necessarily need to do and we say yes to things that we didn't really think all the way through if we like should have said yes or not, you know, we don't use the word should very often like Did you really think through? If that was a good yes or not? Like it is okay for you to say like, I'll think about that and let you know, you don't have to give an answer right away. But when we say yes to something, and then we make the commitment, and we feel like we have to follow through with it, because we said we're gonna be there and they're not, we're like, I don't really want to be there or I can't be there, or I have too much going on. When I asked her like, Are you attending this meeting? Because you feel like you're obligated to or you feel like it's giving you some security? She was like, Oh, I never thought about that way. It's like, well, when we have ADHD, like a lot of times prioritizing is hard for us.
Patricia Sung 21:33
So we have to make this a concerted effort to slow down and ask ourselves the questions of like, hey, in this meeting, are you like a key person here? Are you the one leading the meeting? Like? Are you adding some kind of like, significantly valuable contribution where they need you there? Or is it something that you need to get out of this meeting? Like if you can get this information? Otherwise, it was like if say, you got a stomach bug all sudden, and couldn't be at this meeting? Would you be able to get the information that you needed? Like, would they be all right? Would they be okay? Would it be alright that you weren't there? And she was like, Oh, I never thought about that. Because in that moment, what we needed to like figure out was what's more valuable, like this meeting, and the packing you need to do for the meeting is for the same thing. It's the same volunteer commitment, it's the same trip. So which one is more valuable? In the moment? Is it being at the meeting? Or is it packing and preparing for the trip that the meeting is about? And as we start to like work through these logistics, it's where we can start to dig into, like, where are these pieces in our mindset, the way of our like, perspective, like are not serving us anymore. It's like, well, you know, we can sort through it and be like, hey, you know what, you're not flaky by not going, they don't need you there, you can shoot an email and get the information that you might miss and still feel secure, that you have all the things that you need to be able to go on this trip.
Patricia Sung 22:51
And like after we work through this, but she realized I don't really have to be at this meeting. I am not needed. And there's nothing there that I can't get through an email. And she was like, why don't you just saved me like three hours probably for when you include like driving time and stuff like now her list felt totally doable, because she just got three hours back in order to complete everything. And it was all because old perspectives weren't serving her. She's not a flaky person. She's very responsible. She knows what to do on this trip. She has that security. So those old perspectives, we're not adding to her solution. So we don't have to hold on to those things that no longer serve us. Yes, questioning them take some time out of her day. But spending 15 minutes talking through that means that she got three hours back that she didn't have before. So when you are in a place where you're like, Oh, I am overwhelmed and don't know how to get the stuff done. Or I keep trying all the things and I feel like it doesn't matter what I've tried, nothing's working. I tried all the options. I don't know what to do.
Patricia Sung 23:46
There's no other ideas out there, I would challenge you to find the fresh perspective. So those five things to look for a fresh perspective, were being aware that you want to look outside the box, having an open mind to hear the same old same old to find the little gems hidden in there. Making sure that you're asking the right people People Who Get IT people who understand people who you know have been through the wringer giving yourself credit for what you've done examining your old perspectives that may not be serving you and finding a perspective that does serve you. So if you want these kind of perspective shifts that can help you find three hours in your day and let go of the shoulds that are weighing you down or finding the flexible solutions that make your day feel less stressful. I am here to help you today is the last day to sign up for the early bird registration for a lighthouse my group EDG coaching program. The next group is going to start in 2024 Now I know you're thinking What 2024 I can't even Patricia still November I know but the holidays are gonna get going it's gonna be here before you know it. New Year's kids are back in school about midway through January you're gonna be like I need to get my life together. In here. Enter Lighthouse group coaching. We're gonna get it together.
Patricia Sung 24:55
This is a small group. So if this is for you, please sign up to get your spot and Now, because I want you to know that after our first session together, you're gonna know how to stay cool at the holiday party when your Uncle Roger starts with his political BS and it won't ruin your day because you know how to stay calm and cool and collected and master your emotional regulation. Now the opening is only for the people who are on the waitlist so if that's you go put your name on the waitlist right now patriciasung.com/group-waitlist, put your name on the list. I'll email you all the details and if you're not sure, go ahead and put your name on there because if there's any spots open come January then I'll open it up for everyone so now's the time. Again, its patriciasung.com/group-waitlist. You're going to learn the skills you wish you knew growing up to make adulting easier as someone with ADHD and then you'll be able to teach all of these skills of how to live well he to your kids. So I am wishing you a fresh perspective today, Mama, and we'll talk soon. Have a great day successful mama. For more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com