How to Ask for Help When You Have ADHD #262
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How can you ask for help?
When you have ADHD, you may not ask for help. Maybe you feel like you have to figure it out on your own. You may not want others to know you’re struggling or working this hard to keep up. Or maybe you don’t want to look weak or incompetent.
But humans aren’t meant to function entirely solo.
Mamas Nicole & Rebecca both submitted the question of how to ask for help.
Here’s a clip from Successful Mama Meetups during our month themed "Help Me Help You (How to ask for help from your non-neurodivergent family, friends, and coworkers)” because the mamas requested this topic. You’re not alone in this.
I’m sharing supportive strategies on how to share about your ADHD at a level that makes you feel comfortable. Then how to ask for help, even when you aren’t exactly sure what you need or how to explain it.
Want to suggest a topic for a future podcast episode? Share your questions here: patriciasung.com/ask-a-question
Let’s dive in!
lINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Rooted Group Coaching for ADHD Moms is enrolling for next month. Join a group of moms who get it and cheer you on alongside expert coaching from me. Sign up here: patriciasung.com/group
Want practical help getting tasks off your plate? Grab my How to Outsource for ADHD Moms course. In under 30 minutes, you’ll be able to decide which tasks to get rid of and how to find the right person to help you do it to lighten your load today. This course helps you simplify your home life, as well as work or owning a business.
Episode 217: Friendships & ADHD: Ghosting, Awkwardness and More with Social Skills Expert Caroline Maguire
Free adhd resource:
Patricia Sung [00:00:00]:
When we can ask when we're in a better headspace or emotional space, the conversation will go much better, which we all know, but sometimes we just need that reminder. Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water?
Patricia Sung [00:00:15]:
Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy? You can't figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get you, mama. Parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life, creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well. At the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. But spoiler alert, you are already a great mom.
Patricia Sung [00:01:01]:
ADHD does not mean you're doomed to
Patricia Sung [00:01:03]:
be a hot mess, mama.
Patricia Sung [00:01:04]:
You can rewrite your story, from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung [00:01:16]:
Hey there, successful mama. It's your friend Patricia Sung. In this episode, we are talking about how do you ask for help when you have ADHD, especially if you're asking somebody who's not neurodivergent. But sometimes it is other people that are around you that are neurodivergent. But how do you ask for help from your family members or extended family or coworkers or friends when it feels uncomfortable to say, I need help because I have ADHD or I need help because I have a disability or health issues or whatever's going on. And yet we're not meant to do this life alone. So how do we ask for help? Like, how do we feel that we can do it in a way that feels good to us, and then we're not coming at it from this like, wah wah mentality of like, well, there I go again, just can't handle my life or oh my gosh, I'm gonna bother them. No.
Patricia Sung [00:02:00]:
How do we ask for help? Because you're deserving of help. It can be done. And before we dive into that clip, a reminder that Rooted group coaching is open for sign ups ups through the last Thursday of the month. When you have tried literally everything and it's still not coming together and you're like, you know what? I am a fairly intelligent human being. I have checked all the boxes. I've done all the lists, and somehow I still can't figure out why this is not coming together. Why am I still so frustrated? Why am I still so scattered? Because you can see the things that you've done. Maybe you have a degree, maybe you have a good job.
Patricia Sung [00:02:32]:
You've worked really hard at getting where you are now, and yet somehow it still doesn't feel like you got it together, then you need support that's tailored to how you function, how your brain works, how you are a carer and a responsible person for others, not just yourself, and that you need support that takes all of that into account. It takes into account your full person and the health issues that you have and the other struggles that are going on and finding the way to make your life fit you with someone who gets it. Not just me. There's also the other moms in the group who get it and knowing that you're not alone. So when you are ready for that help, we meet twice a month and do coaching on whatever's plaguing you at the moment. Whether it's trying to get out the door on time or trying to balance all the things that are on your plate with your kids and family and work and volunteer projects, with your child who probably is a lot like you and has some neurodiversity as well, and how you're trying to build that relationship instead of having a fight with them every day. We come in, we take care of the most pressing issue, and we move on. There's no extra homework.
Patricia Sung [00:03:35]:
You have enough to do. We come in, we get it done, and we move on. We are learning as we go. We are implementing on the fly as we learn, because we don't have to have it all together in order to learn, in order to teach our kids these skills too. We can work together to make our lives fit us and teach our kids how to do that at the same time. So come join me in Rooted. All the information is on my website patriciasung.com/group. And if you don't see an opening right now, shoot me an email, hello {at} patriciasung.com, and I'll let you know what opening is available.
Patricia Sung [00:04:06]:
If not, I'll drop you on the wait list, and you'll be the very first person to know when the next opening is available. So check it out. Come join me, and let's make your life a little bit easier in all this chaos that you are currently juggling. You make it look good, and now we can make it feel good too. That's patriciasung.com/group, or shoot me an email and tell me you're ready to go. Hello {at} patriciasung.com. Let's dive into the episode. Our monthly theme discussion is today.
Patricia Sung [00:04:29]:
So we're talking about help me help you, how to ask for help from your non neurodivergent family, friends, and coworkers. So when we're talking about asking for help, the question was specifically around how to ask for help. So I'm not gonna get too far in the weeds of, like, who do you ask? So, like, we need to figure out when we need help, which is talking about, like, what are our red flags in, like, oh my gosh. Things are not going well right now. Like, how do we know that we need help? And when we talk about, like, what do you need help with, that combination of things that you don't like doing or don't need to be you. Like, you don't have to be the one doing them. And, like, what are the things you're just plain not good at? Like, we don't have to be good at everything. Who can you ask for help? All of that is in my how to outsource course.
Patricia Sung [00:05:22]:
So all of that can be in there. The question today is, like, how do we actually ask for the help? Like, once you know what you need help with, how do you ask? Especially when we're asking people that don't have ADHD and it feels uncomfortable in that way. The first thing is that we need to know that we're deserving of help and that it is okay for us to need help. And, like, I am just as loudly yelling that at myself because a lot of times I think, no. I can figure it out. I can do it on my own. Like, no. It is okay for us to have help.
Patricia Sung [00:05:51]:
It is okay for us to ask. We are not meant like, as humans, we are not meant to be solitary. Like, we are not like, I'm like, what's a creature that lives by itself? We are not created that way. We are meant to work in community with each other and be in families. We are meant to be in groups. So it's okay that you need help. You are not a burden. And, honestly, like, people like helping the people that they love.
Patricia Sung [00:06:17]:
Like, we like helping the people that we care about. Like, think about how much you love helping your kids with stuff. I mean, not when they're driving you crazy, but, like, you like being needed by them and taking care of them. Like, yes, not all the time, but, like, that is an important part of our relationship as humans is, like, being needed. Like, nobody wants to be friends with somebody who doesn't need them. Like, if you're always helping another friend and they never say, like, they never reciprocate in the way of, like, hey. Can you help me? Then it feels weird. Right? Like, we like helping the people that are important to us, and that's how we build relationships.
Patricia Sung [00:06:51]:
So, like, that's the first part of us knowing, like, it's okay. Not only is, like, okay for us to have help, but, like, we're supposed to have help. That is how we are meant to function as people. So, like, letting that, like, guilt go and the shame of needing help, like, you're supposed to need help. That's not like, every human needs help. It doesn't matter if you have ADHD or not. Everybody needs help. We are meant to be in community.
Patricia Sung [00:07:12]:
So there's part one. Part two of, like, how do we ask for help is that we want to ask for help when we can be as much in, like, a good space as possible. When we ask people for help and we're freaking out and overwhelmed and, like, two nights ago, I'm in that part of my cycle where I was just not in a good mood, and my kid's over there shoving candy in the kitchen drawer of the candy drawer. And he's also trying to add more things in, and, like, all the things are falling behind the drawer underneath into my pots and pans. And I'm like, stop putting the stuff in. And I was like, just throw away the half eaten dumb dumb. Like, I was, like, in a mood. Right? And it was like, that was, like, not the time for me to ask for help in cleaning out the candy drawer.
Patricia Sung [00:07:53]:
That was the time for me to walk away and not ask for help. So, like, when we can ask for help and, like, when we're in a better space, like, we don't have to necessarily be, like, 100%. But when we are in a better space, we can more clearly articulate what is it we actually need, having that, like, back and forth with the person on, like, what it is that we need, how it needs to get done. Like, when we can ask when we're in a better headspace or emotional space, the conversation will go much better, which we all know. But sometimes we just need that reminder of, like, you know, two days before your cycle starts, probably not the time to have the conversation. Can you do it before or after? Like, you know, where are the times where you have more capacity to have those kind and more loving version wanting help. What can you do to treat your ADHD? Medicines are a great way to help so many people, but they don't work for everyone. And sometimes you're in a place or a season that they're just not going to work out right now.
Patricia Sung [00:08:52]:
Maybe they're not an option. I have put together a list of a ton of ideas, most of which I either have done or I'm currently doing myself to take care of my ADHD. This is like the full brainstorm list of what you can do to take care of yourself beyond medication. Head on over to patriciasung.com/beyondmeds and grab yourself that checklist. That's patriciasung.com/beyondmeds for a free checklist of all the ways that you can take care of yourself beyond medication. The next thing to think about is your safety level. So the way that you're gonna ask for help, like, in your family, like, from your partner, from your kids will be different than how you will ask, like, you know, somebody at work. So the way that we're gonna frame that will be different depending on who it is.
Patricia Sung [00:09:49]:
And one of my favorite ADHD, like, talky people is Carolyn Maguire. Why Will No One Play With Me is the name of her book, and she's been on the podcast. And she talks a lot about understanding friendships and how a lot of times with ADHD, we don't get the, like, difference between an acquaintance versus a friend versus a good friend versus, like, a family and, like, the different levels of relationship, especially for our kids. Like, that's especially why, like, a lot of our teenagers will get into trouble with friendships because they don't understand the different types of friends and the different levels of friendships and, like, what you share with friends versus what you would share with an acquaintance. Like, telling the coffee barista, hey. How's it going? Good to see you versus, oh my gosh. Let me tell you all the drama in my life. Like, sometimes it's just an impulsive, like, I'm having a rough day, and so this is the first person I saw and they got all my word vomit.
Patricia Sung [00:10:37]:
And then other people are like, oh, it never occurred to me that I shouldn't tell the coffee barista about, like, the weird discharge I have. Like, there is different quality and quantity of information that we give different people. So when we look at it that way, when I say, like, your safety level, it's things like the way that you're gonna ask a boss for help and you feel very supported by them is different than how you're gonna ask a boss for support when they're not a very kind and caring boss or who's not a good people manager. So we kinda have that filter when we go in of, like, how we're going to ask for this based on who they are, what the relationship is, what your safety level is. And so going into that conversation, we wanna, like, do, like, a filter check of, like, based on this person and this relationship, is this a good idea? I guess. Then when we go into framing it for that person, like, when we're actually going to ask them for help, we wanna frame it in a way that feels good both for us and for them. So, like, finding this win win situation. And a lot of times, we wanna, like, justify or explain all the things.
Patricia Sung [00:11:36]:
And, like, we don't have to explain everything or justify everything when we ask for help. We can just ask for the help, and that's it. So, like, for example, like, when you have a boss who's not a good people manager, you don't have to tell them your whole mental health history. You can say something like after you have a meeting with them, you can just send them the email that's like, hey. We just met. I'm recapping what we just discussed. Here are my takeaways of what you would like from me and when. Just confirming that we're so that we're all on the same page.
Patricia Sung [00:12:07]:
So it's not even saying, like, because I'm an auditory listener, I really struggle when you give me directions verbally. We don't have to explain all that. We can just say, hey. I'm recapping our meeting. You asked me to do these three things by Friday. Is that correct? Okay. I'm glad I have that covered. So we don't have to go into the full story.
Patricia Sung [00:12:24]:
We can just say, this is what I need. We don't have to give away. And really, like, the simpler we can keep that, the easier it is for people to help us. Like, yes, they do need some details, but when we start getting into this whole big backstory, sometimes the actual request gets lost. So it's okay to say it in a simple way of, oh, you know what? I'm not really good with auditory directions. I'm gonna write this down to make sure that I'd got it. You don't have to say, well, I have an auditory processing disorder, and that's a common symptom with people with ADHD. And I've had this mental health condition, but we can just keep it simple.
Patricia Sung [00:12:57]:
It's okay to just ask for help. And then the last one is their response is a reflection on them. It's not a reflection on you. So if you ask that person for help, it is so hard to know, but it really is about them. I was reminded this morning, today is, you know, one of my work days. My husband is in between a job. He just quit his old job. He starts his new job on Monday, so he's off this week.
Patricia Sung [00:13:24]:
This morning, he's like, can you help me start putting together the Christmas tree? And I was like, and this is how I know that I I need help. Like, I'm flooded as I was like, I did well, it it was really important to you, I think. But I really it was like, when I can't finish a sentence, I know that I am in a place where I am getting, like, at capacity. And the idea of putting together a Christmas tree this morning was, like, too much. And so that reflection, that was me. It had nothing to do with him wanting to put together the Christmas tree. That was on me. So in the same way, when we ask somebody for help, that's a reflection on what they are thinking, what their capacity is.
Patricia Sung [00:14:04]:
It's not about us. So it's okay. Like, if they say no, it's not because they hate us. It's not because they think we're a horrible friend who's too needy. It's not because our boss thinks we can't get anything done. It's okay for them to just be like, hey. They don't have capacity to help in that way today. And so what helps me is if they say no to this, what do I wanna do instead? Like, not to go down, like, the 53 what if rabbit holes, but just to know, like, if I ask this friend to pick up my kid on Tuesday because somehow I got double booked with the doctors and blah blah blah.
Patricia Sung [00:14:35]:
If my friend says no, instead of me taking it personally, who else could I ask? I'm gonna ask this friend. So in that case, it's not me stewing over like, oh, does this friend think I asked too much? Blah blah blah. It's just like, oh, they're probably busy. I saw a really funny meme the other day who was like, oh, if you don't respond to my text message, I'll give you the benefit of doubt. Maybe you had diarrhea that day. Like, it's not a reflection on me. It's a reflection on what's going on with them. So it's okay.
Patricia Sung [00:15:00]:
So knowing, like, if they say no, it's not because they think I'm a friend who's too needy. It's because maybe they already have four kids in their car, and they don't have any more car seats available. Like, so what am I gonna do? I can ask this friend over here. So immediately, I know what my next task is instead of wallowing in my self pity of why they said no to me. K. So those are my five things of knowing we deserve help. Like, we are meant to be helped. That's how people were creative.
Patricia Sung [00:15:26]:
Asking when we're in a good headspace or emotional level. Looking at, like, what our safety level is and, like, relationship level with that person of does this fit the situation. Then framing it in a way that feels good so it's a win win. We don't have to give the whole forty five minute explanation. Just here's what I need some help with. Can you help me? Yes or no. And then knowing that their response is a reflection on them and their capacity, not me. And then finally, if they say no, what do I wanna do instead?
Patricia Sung [00:15:53]:
For more resources, classes, and community, head over to my website, motherhoodinadhd.com.