How to Support Your ADHD Child: Mothers Together Q&A with Guest Host Megan Champion - Best Of Friends Series #274
Click the triangle to play this episode or scroll down to read:
Have you ever wondered if you’re doing enough to support your ADHD child? Or maybe you’ve questioned if what you’re trying is even working. You’re not the only one.
When I saw that last year’s most downloaded episode was about supporting your ADHD child, I knew I wanted to share this conversation from 2022 with you!
In this episode, I’m sharing a Q&A session from when I was a guest expert in the Mothers Together community, for parents of neurodivergent children. The moms in Megan’s community share vulnerable and raw struggles that I know you’ll relate to. We dive into some of the most common struggles moms face when raising ADHD kids: school challenges, emotional regulation, should your child try medication (especially when you’re worried about them not gaining weight), and that exhausting cycle of wondering, “Am I messing this up?”
You’ll hear encouragement, practical strategies, and lots of validation from a real conversation with moms who get it. Because sometimes the most powerful thing isn’t a new parenting hack – it’s gaining a new perspective or realizing you’re not alone and you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself.
Check out Megan’s podcast and online community here: https://www.ontheharddays.com/
If you’re wondering whether you have ADHD and want to better understand the signs, grab my free ADHD Symptoms in Women Checklist here: patriciasung.com/adhd-symptoms.
This episode is a little peek into the kind of support I love to provide as an ADHD educator. I hope it gives you a fresh perspective and a sense of relief that you’re doing better than you think.
Yes, I’m still writing the first book for Moms with ADHD, publishing February 2027. Keep up to date on all things book writing and/or join the beta reader team here: patriciasung.com/book.
TODAY IS THE LAST DAY TO GET YOUR RETREAT TICKET!
Ready to get away?
Our annual ADHD Moms Weekend Retreat is coming up October 10-12, 2025 in Houston, Texas! You're officially invited :)
“Gift yourself the opportunity to meet like-minded people (literally), make instant friendships, and the space to finally be yourself.” –ADHD Mama T.H.
I’ll take care of all the details - you simply show up and enjoy.
Because you deserve to take care of yourself too. Get your all-inclusive ticket TODAY: patriciasung.com/retreat.
Patricia Sung [00:00:02]:
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy? You can't figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get you, Mama. Parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fitness for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life. Creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully and in turn, lead our families well. At the end of the day, we just want to be good moms.
Patricia Sung [00:00:47]:
But spoiler alert, you are already a great moment. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess, Mama. You can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story, and I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to Motherhood in ADHD. Hey there, successful mama. It's your friend Patricia Sung. I am still over here trucking along on this book and making better time than I thought. Given all of the craziness that has gone on in our lives the last couple months.
Patricia Sung [00:01:23]:
I'm really proud of myself for creating the space to be able to handle all of these weird things that have popped up because old Patricia stuffed her schedule to the gills and there's no way I could have done all this running my life the way I used to. Because, mind you, I also am getting all the stuff ready for the retreat that's happening in October. And oh yeah, I should tell you, like, if you want to get your ticket, make sure that you get your ticket in September because the deadline to get your ticket is in the third week of September. So chap chat mama. We only have a couple tickets left, so make sure you grab yours before the deadline. Now, I'm not gonna lie, I have been feeling the heat, which means I am purposefully scheduling breaks in and spending time with friends and being super purposeful in how I spend my time because otherwise I would absolutely go insane. This has been a lot. But it also makes me really thankful because I have a job that I get to choose my hours and that I can work when my kids are in school and also allows me to still write this book.
Patricia Sung [00:02:28]:
And I'm just feeling really lucky, even in the chaos, that I'm able to take all of this stuff in my brain and put it on a page and be able to share it with, hopefully millions of moms. Just like millions of moms have listened to this podcast, hopefully millions of moms are going to read the book. But this is certainly not for the faint of heart. Because once you start stepping into who you really are and listening to yourself and learning how to trust yourself and becoming the person that God created you to be, let me tell you, that's when Satan shows up and makes things really hard. Because whenever you are walking the path that you are meant to walk, he's gonna do whatever he can to get you off track. And it has been a constant reminder to myself, like, if this many, like, almost comical things are going wrong, clearly I'm on the right track because I know that this is what I'm meant to be doing right now. And it's clearly irking Satan a whole lot because he's staring up a lot of trouble. I won't go all the nitty gritty details here, but if you're on my email list, you've been hearing about it.
Patricia Sung [00:03:36]:
Cause ha ha ha, I'm holding it together through purposefulness, through rest, through self care, through breaks, through my friends, through my family, through support, through using all the strategies that I'm going to write about or have written about in this book. That's what's holding everything together right now. And it will get done. So this next set of episodes are what I call it the Best of Friends series, where I am asking friends who I have spoke on their podcast or at one of their events or at one of their summits or in their communities and taking that recording and then sharing it with you. So this is something that is not something that I created for my community. It's something that I created for someone else's community. But I want to share it with you. Because the reason I was talking to their community is because they're our friends.
Patricia Sung [00:04:23]:
They're our people. They get us. So thank you to those hosts who are sharing these recordings with me so that I can share them with you and keep on trucking on this book. Today's conversation comes from Mothers Together with Megan Champion. Now, this conversation is actually From, I think 2022. I've had it tucked away in my Google Drive. And when I thought about what I wanted to share with you all when I was doing the like summer Best of episodes, the number one episode was about how to help your kid. And that is what Megan's specialty is.
Patricia Sung [00:04:59]:
She is also a former teacher like I am, and her community is for moms of kids who are neurodivergent and A really wonderful support community for moms who are struggling with their kids and their kids neurodiversity. So, like, we go hand in hand.
Patricia Sung [00:05:12]:
I'm helping the moms, she's helping the.
Patricia Sung [00:05:14]:
Moms with their kids stuff. And it's a really great interweaving of all the different pieces. And although this is a conversation from a couple of years ago, it's one from within Megan's community that was like, it's not a public conversation. And so these sweet moms are sharing what's going on with them and their kids. And I know that it's really gonna resonate with you. And as soon as I saw that the most downloaded episode was about your kids, I'm like, there's always a little bit of, like, attention in me wanting to make sure that I'm taking care of you, but also recognizing that how you take care of your kids is such a huge part of that. So I'm just so thankful to share this conversation with you because I think it's really going to resonate with, like, something here or something that you're dealing with. And I hope hearing other moms deal with it too, gives you the encouragement to know that you are not alone and you are not broken.
Patricia Sung [00:06:09]:
And parenting is hard, man, and we can do it better together. So here's a conversation with me and Megan and all of her mamas from the Mothers Together community. I will put a link in the show notes so that you can go look them up, too.
Megan Champion [00:06:26]:
Your podcast episode with me was a massive hit, and every single person who listened to it absolutely raved about it and really felt heard and seen. They were so excited to have you join tonight, and that's why we've got all these awesome people here. So I had sent Patricia just some, like, overview sort of things I personally am wondering about specifically the differences in girls and boys with ADHD and what that might look like. Just a couple of sort of overarching themes, if you want to touch on those, Patricia, and then we can open it up.
Patricia Sung [00:06:59]:
The main difference between girls and boys with ADHD is that they tend to have one type more predominantly than other. So whereas boys tend to be more hyperactive on the outside, women tend to be more hyperactive on the inside. So it is our minds and our like, I'm sitting here fidgeting with my hairband. It's more of a contained fidget and hyperactivity than the outward very obvious and annoying to all hyperactivity that ADHD has been known for. So I think what I'm realizing the more that I do the research is that it's not just the girls who are flying under the radar because most of them have inattentive adhd. I have a very strong sneaking suspicion that all of the boys with inattentive ADHD are also flying under the radar and not doing well. And the inattentive part, it's not obvious. So when you see the hyperactive kid, those are the kids who are just annoying everyone else and therefore they get noticed.
Patricia Sung [00:08:00]:
And they're the ones who get sent to the principal's office and get to therapy and have to deal with, you know, that whole rabbit trail and they get labeled as the problem child. On one hand it's good because then they get the services they need, but on the other hand, you get this reputation that follows you as well. What I'm noticing from the inattentive side is that while it is mostly women, there are also men who present with the inattentive side. And that tends to be more of a mental battle than the physical battle. So the hyperactivity is in your mind. It's the constant racing thoughts, it's the anxiety, the consistent what if ing and panic on things that you don't even realize that other people don't do because it's in your mind. You don't realize that not everybody panics at the drive thru because they can't remember their order. And even though I have practiced it four times, I still forgot to order the sweet and sour sauce when we get to the drive thru.
Patricia Sung [00:08:54]:
And then your kid has a meltdown because you forgot the sweet and sour. So it's like these kind of things that we don't see because we don't know what goes on in other people's minds. It's the space cadets and the doodlers and the artists, the perfectionist child, the one who's involved in 43 activities and is the officer in 10 clubs because they're trying so hard. Their coping mechanism of choice is perfectionism. And it's gone too far that if I just do everything perfectly well and I do it exactly right, then I can't forget my homework and I can't forget to study for that test. And I studied for eight hours for that test when I probably only needed to study for two. But what if I forgot something? What if I missed something? What if I didn't understand something? And this is the hyperactivity that is in the brain where it just keeps going. It often comes across as anxiety or depression.
Patricia Sung [00:09:42]:
A lot of women are Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, bipolar. We're learning more and more about the hormones that come along, how they affect and increase symptoms depending on where you are in your cycle. And that's why you'll see a lot of girls get diagnosed in those major hormonal shifts of puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, menopause. Because in those times where your estrogen and progesterone levels are swinging a lot and your ratios are changing, that's when those really come up. And you'll see also the major problems will come through when your current situation changes drastically. So you'll see that in kids when they switch from elementary to middle, or middle to high school, high school to college, when you have a big switch at work, when you become a mother, and all of a sudden you're juggling way more people and their responsibilities. When all of a sudden the workload becomes too much and your coping mechanisms can't keep up, that's when you see the inattentive type struggle. I try not to think too much about it because it's hard.
Patricia Sung [00:10:41]:
In terms of the kids who are struggling with that or the adults who are struggling with the inattentive type, they're the ones who end up with eating disorders because you can control your eating and you feel like you can. Those are the ones who end up with addictions to alcohol and drugs because that's a way to cope with the constant noise in your head. Those are the kids with the suicidal ideation, because somebody just make it stop. And I think that is where I worry most about the people who don't know that that's what they're dealing with is that they're turning to things that are. I won't ever say the easy answer, but the thing that's an obvious way to avoid their issues because they don't want to know what their issues are. So how else are they going to deal with them when you don't know? So I think that's the crux of the matter, is that all of those struggles are in your head instead of the physical manifestation of it. How do you spot those? I mean, I have a pretty good radar at this point. I can spot my people a mile away, and I don't go around diagnosing anybody.
Patricia Sung [00:11:35]:
But I feel like if I could, I'd probably get an A. It's the mom with 47 receipts in her purse and 10 snacks and hasn't cleaned it out in eight months or more. The mom with whose car floor is just overflowing with french fries and library Books that haven't gotten returned. It's saying, I'm going to go donate these things. And it rides around in your trunk for four months. It is. I love, I love all the faces of, like, I feel seen things. Like, I feel attacked.
Patricia Sung [00:12:08]:
I'm just going to say, oh my God.
Mom [00:12:13]:
I just feel understood.
Megan Champion [00:12:15]:
Sorry, Patricia, go ahead.
Patricia Sung [00:12:17]:
Yeah, no, no, no. I appreciate the validation. Sometimes I'm talking and I'm like, does anybody hear me? It's these little things where we're just juggling so many things. And when you don't have systems in place, you don't understand who you are and how your brain works. And you think it's just that there's something wrong with you and that you're too lazy and you don't keep trying. And the list goes on of lovely feedback that people who don't understand have to say. It's a lot, but yet, you know, charting this forward, the three strategies that I always talk about, and I will, I think, until I die, is that there's three ways to be successful when you have adhd. And the first one is learning about your brain, understanding how ADHD works.
Patricia Sung [00:12:59]:
And the same thing goes for your kids. Understanding how ADHD works, but also the flavor that you or your child have makes a difference. Because while some people will deal more with, you know, struggles with working memory, like, that's one of my issues. When I did, like, the battery of testing, mine was very thorough because I was part of a grad student's thesis project. So I got more testing than most people will ever get in their evaluation. I have the short term memory of a third grader as a grownup. And so, like, that's a really big struggle for me is working memory. Like, when my kids tell me, like, they want yogurt for breakfast, I literally wash the fridge and have no idea what their answer was.
Patricia Sung [00:13:36]:
When you understand the parts that you struggle with more, you can then create the strategies that work better for you or your child. I always equate it to a tomato sauce where everybody's got tomatoes, but some people got more basil than oregano. Some people have meatballs instead of ground meat. Everyone's is different. So understanding not only adhd, but how it specifically manifests within that person, within their personality. Because, like, side tangent, there's a lot of people who will mention personality traits as a symptom of adhd. And it's like, well, no, that's just your personality. Like, not liking reading is not an ADHD trait.
Patricia Sung [00:14:14]:
Not liking reading, like something boring. Is an everybody trait. Like, struggling with reading itself is not necessarily an ADHD trait, but a lot of people will say that. Now, a lot of people with ADHD do have learning struggles in terms of dyslexia and dysgraphia and stuff like that. But there's a fine line between personality and preferences and ADHD symptoms. So while I joke about too much stuff in your purse and your stuff falling out of your car, that is not necessarily an ADHD symptom, but it's just something we tend to do. And number two is put on your oxygen mask first. You have to take care of yourself as a mom.
Patricia Sung [00:14:50]:
You have to make sure that your kid is doing well as a human. Otherwise, all of your strategies and like, all of the help you want to give someone is not going to work if they don't feel safe and they don't feel heard. So as much as you might work on something, like when your kid's in a meltdown and they don't feel safe and they don't feel heard, they're not listening to a damn word you're saying, and you need to get them to a place where they feel safe before you can start moving into, like, you know, improving this situation. So as a mom, that means, you know, taking care of you, making sure that you're going to therapy, making sure that you are getting breaks and getting enough sleep and food that's not goldfish crackers and the things that are taking care of you so that you can then implement the strategies. Like, if you're doing medication, that is a tool that creates a more even playing field, but it's not going to magically cure anything. But if you're only getting four hours of sleep, even if you're taking medicine, you're probably not going to be doing so well the next day because your brain is too tired. So, you know, getting appropriate fuel in terms of, like real food that has some nutritional value, getting an enough sleep for you, which is different for everybody, but enough sleep for you, you know, getting out and moving those things. It's frustrating when people are like, how should you take care of your adhd? Oh, you should exercise and eat well and sleep more.
Patricia Sung [00:16:10]:
It's like, thanks, but they do, they do help a lot. And let's see, number three is the one we don't like. Ask for help, ask for support. I used to say get support, but then that was in the passive voice and we need a little more directness, which is ask for help. You have to have some kind of support system. In place and you're the one who has to ask for it. Nobody's going to understand what you need. No one's going to be able to read your mind.
Patricia Sung [00:16:33]:
You have to ask for help and put those things in place for you or your child. No one is going to advocate for you as well as you can. No one is going to advocate for your child the way that you will. There is literally no way that we can keep up with all of this on our own. So asking for help is really hard and I still am not the best at it, but it, it is very instrumental in doing well with adhd. So to summarize, that's learning about your brain and adhd. Put on your oxygen mask first and then ask for help.
Megan Champion [00:17:06]:
Patricia, some of the people here, and there's more who will listen to this recording, their kids don't have the diagnosis yet, but from what they hear and what they see and what they read, they're leaning that way. And I think, I don't want to speak for anyone, so feel free to jump in. But, but I think there's just this. How do I know? How do I know if it's typical boy behavior, if it's typical elementary school age child behavior, if it's, if it's like, where's that line? I wonder if you might speak to.
Patricia Sung [00:17:38]:
That in the diagnostic criteria, like on how it is officially diagnosed. There's an official book called the DSM 5. And please don't ask me what the letters stand for because I don't remember. All of a sudden it's like the diagnostic something something manual. Basically it covers all mental health issues and what are the criteria in order to be diagnosed for it. And when it comes to adhd, the way that it is written to diagnose children just as like a, an FYI, they do have a little like, oh, and by the way, this for all adults, but really it was written with children in mind. There's two sections. There's the hyperactivity section and then the impulsive section.
Patricia Sung [00:18:12]:
And they list all these traits and they say if you have, I believe it's like six out of nine for kids or five out of nine for adults, then you would have that type. So you've got the hyperactive type, the impulsive type, and then you got the combined type together. Thank you, Stephanie, for clarifying those. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. That's the word can remember. And then, oh, and circling back, it's the version five, which is like, I think it's like 10 years old. At this point, it's not. They updated every so often and has not been updated recently.
Patricia Sung [00:18:40]:
They qualify it as these need to be persistent problems for at least six months. Now, as an adult, once you start digging, you will see it through your whole life. I think they say that six months just from, like a perspective of when you're looking at little kids, like you're looking at someone who's, you know, four or five years old, six months is a big chunk of their life. And you want to make sure that this has been an issue for a while, not like, hey, we've been struggling for the last month. So to me, the issue is, is it a persistent problem across your life? If it is just normal, like, kid behavior, then it's not really a big problem. Persistently, it's a nuisance. It's a stage. Like, pretty much all kids go through a hitting stage and a biting stage, but when that stage is no longer a stage and now it is a persistent problem, that's when you'll see.
Patricia Sung [00:19:30]:
Okay, maybe this is something I need to look into. The hard part is that our kids, when they're little, they can't necessarily explain what is going on in their mind. So it's harder to get that information out of them. They're not going to be able to accurately describe it as well. But what I look at when I'm looking at kids is, to me, it's more obvious in the emotional regulation, which is not really talked about as much in the DSM because it's harder to quantify. You can't, like, how do you measure emotional dealings? You really can't, because what is, like, upsetting to one person isn't to another. And so they're only going to put in there the things that they can quantifiably state with data. When I look at a kid who has adhd, that's the kid who gets really frustrated about something super quick and to the point where it's like, almost like it feels like overboard.
Patricia Sung [00:20:24]:
Like, they're so frustrated about something that seems, quote, unquote, small, and they're really upset for a while. You'll see things like, a lot of us have an issue with fairness. Like, we're very black and white people of, like, either this is fair or not fair. It follows the rules. It doesn't follow the rules. And usually kids with ADHD will feel more injustice both at how others are treated and with them, like, when they're, like, losing their mind because someone else got a lollipop and they didn't and you're like, well, but you got a cupcake. They're like, but I didn't get the lollipop. And we look at that, like, oh, they're throwing a tantrum because they didn't get what they wanted.
Patricia Sung [00:21:02]:
And in their mind, it's not a tant. It's not that they didn't get. Whatever. It doesn't even. The thing is, it's that they didn't get the fair. Like, there wasn't the fairness of it. And, yes, I agree, Stephanie. It is a gift.
Patricia Sung [00:21:13]:
Those are the people who are going to be, like, saving the orphans and the homeless and, you know, fighting for environmental law changes. Right? Like, that is such a beautiful trait, I think, Stephanie, at the same time, like, understanding, like, how. Like, it's even hard for me as an adult sometimes to, like, get over that. Like, but I still don't like it, like, having that, like, flexibility is an issue. So being okay with, like, you got a lollipop, I got a cupcake. It's not exactly fair. But, you know, that's a struggle. And we don't read between the lines of things as well.
Patricia Sung [00:21:50]:
So if somebody says something like, well, it'd be nice if you would do that. Other people read into that and they say, oh, like, they're expecting me to do that. Whereas we're like, wait, why don't you think I'm nice? Or, like, well, I don't really want to do that, so I don't need to, because you didn't ask me, like, specifically to do that. Like, I mean, like, this even happens with my husband. Will he be like, is that really the best time to do this? And when I'm in the moment, in hyper focus, I don't interpret his, like, oh, that's him, like, saying in a nice way that I should stop. Literally, my brain is like, I don't understand why you're asking me this weird question right now. I don't pick up the nuances when I'm not looking for that, if that makes sense. And I feel like that's a lot where you'll see your kids with, like, picking up on, like, reading in between the lines again, like, this is where it gets hard, is that you'll have some kids who are master readers of people or even adults.
Patricia Sung [00:22:39]:
Like, the gut instinct of, like, being able to read a room and read people is another gift that many people with ADHD have. It's not one of mine in terms of, like, reading people so much, but, like, I can read the gut feeling of the room. I can read. I don't pick up as much in, like, the words. I pick up on the feelings. I don't know if that makes sense. Response. And watching how your kids interact with other kids, you'll see that something's like, just a little bit different.
Patricia Sung [00:23:05]:
ADHD kids tend to birds with feather flock together. Like, look at who their friends are. A lot of times that will give you an indicator of. Not always, you know, but a lot of times you'll see the patterns of they're with the kids who get them. They find the people that, that make sense to them and understand them and, you know, we'll let them be quirky without judgment. I hate to say I'm not very good at, like, keeping up with the chat. At the same time, as I was.
Megan Champion [00:23:30]:
Going to say, there's talk about the overlap, the giftedness, being a gifted kid, adhd, autism, it all is so similar.
Patricia Sung [00:23:40]:
I mean, it's like a very tightly knit Venn diagram where a lot of the autistic traits, like, flow into ADHD traits and vice versa. Like, it's like a gradation of color. It's not as, like, clearly divisible. Like, some things, yes, are very clearly ADHD or autism, but there's a lot of overlap. And ADHD has one of the highest comorbidity rates of all mental health issues, which. I really don't like that word, but it means that it comes with friends. You're more likely, if you have adhd, to have a number of stuff. Like, rarely do you just get ADHD by itself and no other things that come along with it.
Patricia Sung [00:24:14]:
And I do want to address the giftedness issue of. It's called 2e when kids are twice exceptional, so they have some sort of learning disability. Disability, but also a giftedness is quite common with adhd. There's no division in your intelligence, in the way that you look, where you come from, your background, socioeconomic culture, country. There's literally no area that ADHD will not hit. So just because somebody looks a certain way or can do a certain thing has no bearing on whether or not they have adhd. And the giftedness is highly, highly common. Where, you know, they used to think that there's no way you could have ADHD because you're a doctor or a lawyer or you have a job or you went to school and actually graduated.
Patricia Sung [00:25:02]:
That used to be like a, like, determining factor of, like, well, you couldn't possibly have done anything good with that. And that's not true. I think most of the people who were able to be successful with ADHD was primarily because they use their coping mechanisms way too far. And, you know, it's too much perfectionism. It's too much double checking to where it becomes, you know, almost like an OCD tendency or an anxiety tendency, because you're so busy trying to make sure that you're keeping up with everyone else that you're like, if I just do even more, then no one's going to question me or tell me that I'm being stupid or lazy or whatever because, you know, if I have a straight A's, then I must be doing it right. Because as a kid, you don't understand why you're struggling or why you can't seem to keep up with everyone else. So you think, well, I just. I just gotta try harder.
Patricia Sung [00:25:53]:
And that turns into, you know, the kids who are staying up till 4am trying to get their project done to the, like level of perfectionism, when they probably could have gone at Med at midnight, gotten a 92 and been fine. It's like, no, I'm going to save the extra, you know, four or five hours so that I can get those last three points. And we don't have the determining ability to know that good enough is good enough. And. And 92 is.
Megan Champion [00:26:16]:
All right, Patricia, there's one of our moms here who has to leave, but she has a question. It's in the chat, but I can read it if I prefer. And I know her child is a teen or young teen.
Patricia Sung [00:26:27]:
Okay. Is there value in teaching her how her brain works in the context of explaining a neurotypical brain? Stephanie, do you mind giving me a little more information so I can understand? I'm not sure what you mean by in the context of a neurotypical brain.
Megan Champion [00:26:44]:
I know she's.
Patricia Sung [00:26:44]:
Are you able to.
Megan Champion [00:26:45]:
She's at a soccer game.
Patricia Sung [00:26:46]:
I don't. Okay. If not, no worries. I'll try.
Megan Champion [00:26:50]:
Yes, we can hear you, Steph.
Patricia Sung [00:26:51]:
Okay, so what I guess I mean is, like, the other day I realized that my kiddo didn't realize, like, here's an example, I told her the other day that there are kids her age who can take information, like from a teacher or whatever and store it in their brain and then be able to pull it or draw upon it at any time. And she was surprised. She didn't realize that she couldn't do that or that they could do that and she couldn't. It's like the working memory concept, but other attributes of ADHD too. And normally I wouldn't tell her. Something like that. Because I don't want her to compare herself to someone else. Sorry, I'm walking with heavy equipment, so I'm breathing heavy.
Patricia Sung [00:27:33]:
You're fine.
Patricia Sung [00:27:34]:
But normally I wouldn't want to compare her to other people because I don't feel like that's a very growth mindset type of thing to do. But I think in this context, maybe it would be helpful so she could identify her own attributes a little bit better or things that she might need to focus on.
Patricia Sung [00:27:57]:
Yeah, I mean, with the disclaimer of obviously you know your kid best and you're going to know whether that's helpful or not. Because we know when our kids are in a headspace of I can handle this information and I can't. If we go in with that mindset of understanding, are they in a mental space right now where they can handle this information or they can't? Not to say that you shouldn't tell her at all, but should you tell her in this moment if she's having a really hard time? Perhaps you need to wait till she's calmer and ready to hear the information. However, I generally always advocate for more knowledge is better when you can understand your brain better. That's always going to be more helpful than not understanding it. The way that we word things, if we think ahead and have, you know, understanding our kids and how they take in information. Because the way you're going to explain it to one kid will be different than how you explain it to the other. If we can explain it in a way that it's not.
Patricia Sung [00:28:55]:
Not a comparison of one being better than the other, but the understanding that all of our brains work differently. And there will always be people who can do things in a different way than you do. Some things they'll do better than you, some things you'll do better than them. And it's when you understand that your brain doesn't function the same way that other people's do, it gives you a little more freedom to not be as hard on yourself. Knowing that there are people that literally just remember stuff and then can remember it again later. Like when I realized that there are people out there whose brains literally don't run a constant narration of 400 things at once. Like, they literally have brains that are just quiet. I was like, what? There are people with quiet brains.
Patricia Sung [00:29:46]:
Like, literally they can just sit there and do nothing. What? I had no idea. So understanding what my kid did.
Patricia Sung [00:29:53]:
Exactly. Exactly what my kiddo did.
Patricia Sung [00:29:56]:
Like, what do you mean? They just sit there and don't Think about stuff. So to know that it's like, it doesn't have to be a comparison of one being better than the other. It's just, we're all different. We all function in a different way. And where you struggle in this area, that kid is struggling in something else. And that's one thing. Like, I talk to my kids about, like, this might be easier for you, but there's other kids who maybe don't pick up math as easily. They have to work really hard to understand math, or they have to work really hard at understanding reading comprehension.
Patricia Sung [00:30:25]:
It's not always like, you can't do this and other kids can. We need to have that environment of. There are also things that other kids don't do well and that you can do well knowing that it's not you and that you are trying to live up to a standard that your brain wasn't meant to. I will attempt not to get on my soapbox here. Of the way that we're expected to learn in school is not the most applicable to real life. So, you know, her having to, like, especially, like, if you're in. I don't. I know Megan said she's, like, older, but she's in, like, middle school or high school.
Patricia Sung [00:30:58]:
The amount of information you are expected to retain and then regurgitate is not indicative of what you're going to do when you're 40. Like, knowing that your brain might not be the best at test taking. Like, when you're under pressure and having to recall things. And that's very important in high school when you're trying to take SATs or, you know, AP tests or what have you. I got Google now. I mean, there's not that much that, like, I have to be able to recall at this point in my life. Like, our brain is not designed to be a holder of information. It is meant to be a processor and an executor.
Patricia Sung [00:31:32]:
So I have systems in place for remembering all the things. Today. My kids like, hey, as a pumpkin, a fruit, or a vegetable. I'm like, hey, Alexa, squash a fruit or a vegetable. Like, it grows on a vine. It came from a flower. Maybe it is a fruit. I don't know.
Patricia Sung [00:31:44]:
Like, it's just. It's not an ethical skill. And, you know, I don't usually tell young kids too much of that because I'm like, you know, school's still important. You gotta finish. But knowing that, like, what you're doing now, and it's not necessarily like your, like, wheelhouse and your zone of genius, like, that's okay. And let's figure out the strategies that are going to work for you, understanding that you're competing against people who can do that. And then you're not going to be as hard on yourself when you can't because you know that your brain doesn't do that. And this is why we have Google and calculators.
Patricia Sung [00:32:14]:
So I guess like to summarize, I always advocate for more information than less. Obviously, like with the filter of how old is your kid? What kind of mental state are they in? But for her to know that she's competing against kids who literally could just memorize a whole bunch of numbers and regurgitate them back, like, is it unfair? Yeah. But then, you know, when you get a job one day, it's not going to matter. So what about.
Megan Champion [00:32:38]:
Tracy was asking, but I'm going to agree with this question too, especially the first part, anger, anger and aggression and how that crosses over into the ADHD world and what do you make of that? And then she also asks about if medication is a must or is there some coping things without medication that can help.
Patricia Sung [00:32:57]:
Well, first I'll say it's definitely not only in, in boys. This is also part of the. That unseen part in girls is that usually though that anger is self directed. It is internal. It is criticism of self negative talk like a negative narrator. I'm so stupid. I can't get anything together. What's wrong with me? Like, for me, like I call her Medusa mom approximately bedtime.
Patricia Sung [00:33:20]:
Medusa mom will come out when my kids are not cooperating. And it's like, I just literally like lose my shit because I'm just done at that point, like, I am tired. I have used up all my spoons. I have used all my mental energy. And at this point in the day, I just need you to put on some pajamas and get in this bed. And my temper is extremely short at that point. Whereas, like, I will be very honest to say, like, that is why I take medicine because it regulates my emotions so much better than I can on my own because I can tell like when I'm having. I mean, I mentioned briefly, like there's certain points in your cycle where your symptoms are worse.
Patricia Sung [00:33:57]:
Your medicine is not going to function as well. And you know, depending on what you ate that day and how well it absorbs, sometimes it, you know, won't make it as long based on your metabolism. I mean, there's all the things. And that is literally the main reason that I take my medicine, is that it helps me regulate my Emotions better and I have more time to pause and think. Like, it allows me to slow down and think more before I lose it and start yelling. So I highly recommend checking out medicine from an emotional regulation standpoint. It is to me that makes all the difference in the world. Now I'll say I could talk about this for another 20 minutes.
Patricia Sung [00:34:36]:
So I will summarize by saying, like, obviously medicine is not for everybody. It doesn't work for everyone. And it takes a while to find the right medicine at the right dosage and the right timing for each person. So it is a process to figure out what works for you. But that's literally why I take medicine is primarily for the emotional regulation. So that the whole part about, like, the anger and the shortness and the aggression is in boys usually directed outward because they tend to be more hyperactive and impulsive. Whereas for girls, that anger is usually directed inward and towards ourselves or our kids behind closed doors. Whereas, like, if someone else is there that is watching us, that slows us down a little more because we have a little more regulation when we feel like we're being watched.
Patricia Sung [00:35:18]:
You know, the judgment factor. But that is a huge part of adhd is that emotional regulation. And that's one of the ways that you can see in your kids is that the amount of time from incident to reaction, how much space do you get? Does your kid have the opportunity to pause and think about their reaction before it happens? Or is it almost like it literally just falls out and they're almost like, I don't even know what I like. They. They can't even explain to you what happened because their brain did not collect. What is it? They did not pass go. Did not collect $200. Like, it literally just went to reaction.
Patricia Sung [00:35:58]:
There was no, like, what should I do about this? Didn't happen. And that's part of what stimulant medicine does, is that it employs the brakes better so that there is a little more space for their brain to make a wiser decision.
Mom [00:36:11]:
Tara, I'm sorry, I have a question about this. So I have a five year old about to be six in December, and my sister is like, you need to.
Patricia Sung [00:36:21]:
Put him on medicine.
Mom [00:36:22]:
And we are still working on, like, he was diagnosed at 4 with sensory processing. He was diagnosed this, like two months ago with ADHD. And we are going for a full evaluation in January. And she's like, you need to medicate him now because it'll reset his brain. And I'm like, what? Like, I think she's like, cuckoo pants. But she's like. She won't shut up about it. And I don't.
Mom [00:36:47]:
I'm like, I know it's insane, and I don't know. Like, for me, I'm not against medication, but he's number one, he's really young. Number two, we don't have a full picture yet. Like, do I push for that now? Do I wait? Do I. Like, I feel so lost, and I want to do the right thing, but I don't know what it is.
Patricia Sung [00:37:12]:
To me, that's, like, one of the hardest ages to know what it is, because at least when your kids are like, 8 or 9 or 10, like, they can give you a little more information. And I feel about. I mean, my son's in first grade, and it's like, I finally feel like I can get a little more quality information out. But when they're in kindergarten and younger, it's hard. You don't know. So mostly, like, first it is hard. Like, how do we know we're making the right decision? Like, we just want to make the right decision for our kid, and we feel like we're walking around like we blindfolded and in the dark, and somebody's pelting us with snowballs at the same time. Like, can somebody just tell me what to do? Let me just address ADHD medicine.
Patricia Sung [00:37:47]:
Does that reset your brain? That. I don't know where she got that from. Does she also think Fruit Roll Ups causes adhd? Because that's one of my favorite. But. But what ADHD medicine does, they don't technically know because they can't go in somebody's brain and check it out while they're alive, because then they would kill them. So most of this is just like fairly certain hypotheses. We're not actually that certain. We don't 100% know because we can't look inside your brain.
Patricia Sung [00:38:13]:
But what they're fairly certain it does is that it's employing your brake system. So when you have adhd, a lot of times you have. Have plenty of neurotransmitters running around, but they don't do their job. So if you think about, like, Amazon delivery trucks, like, it sends out all the trucks with their packages to the other side of the neuron, and it's supposed to deliver the package and then come back and get another one. Well, when you have adhd, some of your trucks go without a package. Some of them get halfway, and they're like, oh, we're supposed to go back. And they turn around and head back before they delivered Their package. And so, you know, if you have 10 packages crossing the void, like three of them show up.
Patricia Sung [00:38:50]:
Whereas in a neurotypical brain, all 10 of them got delivered and they got five stars. So they don't actually know for sure. But what they believe is that they, in the riddle and family, it's sending more trucks. So it keeps sending the trucks. Like, instead of, you know, our brain only sent like half the trucks, it keeps sending the trucks, like, keep going, keep going. When you have the Adderall family, not only is it sending more trucks, but it closes the garage door and doesn't let them come back. It like, keeps saying, like, go, go, go. So.
Patricia Sung [00:39:15]:
So the whole Adderall family is like doing double duty helpfulness. And the Ritalin family is just doing one of those, which either way, still helpful. You're either sending more neurotransmitters out or you're sending more out and stopping the reuptake process. What that means though, is that it's allowing your brake system and like, your ability to pause and like, slow down everything in terms of like, not following the thought process all the way through. It gives you time to think, it gives you time to pause so that you can actually go through the full process of like, that kid hit me. What should I do about it? Okay, I shouldn't hit them back. What are my other choices? Whereas when you don't have time to think about all that, you're like, that could hit me, I hit him too. And it literally, like, you skipped the whole pause and think about it process.
Patricia Sung [00:40:00]:
So because you have more neurotransmitters doing their job, that means that you're creating this more like, even playing field so that all these strategies that you are employing, you have more ability to like, utilize them and input stability. And it's like creating an environment where you can be more successful. But it is not actually teaching you anything. It's not changing the way your brain works. It's just giving you more time to do it is like the best way. I can explain it in an analogy. It literally, it does not change your ADHD at all. It doesn't cure anything.
Patricia Sung [00:40:35]:
It doesn't reset anything. It doesn't change your personality. It just allows you to like, have more success in implementing all of the strategies so that you can actually absorb the homework that you're practicing or have the time to think about how you want to interact with that person. Or the ability of like, when you're in hyper focus and only doing this one thing here, it allows your brain Space to like hear the person talking to you and be like, oh, wait, I heard something. Like to pull out of the hyper focus and hear that outside. Like, oh, that was my husband telling me to go to bed for the the fourth time tonight. Like, that is what the medicine does. That being said, they usually don't recommend doing medicine before five because like I said, they're not 100% sure what it does.
Patricia Sung [00:41:17]:
Like, they have a really great guess and they're pretty sure, but they don't know. And so obviously when kids are little, they're. We do our best to protect them. So now that you have all that information, what I would say is from your gut, how much is your kid struggling? Does he need that extra help? Does he need that pause? Does he need that space of like you mentioned, he has a sensory processing. Like, would that help him? Like take the edge off the noise? Because it's not grading on him. Like, would that help him? Does that extra space give him the ability to be more successful? The wonderful thing about stimulants is that depending on whether they're instant release or extended release, they're out of your system in either a few hours or later that day. So if your kid takes it and they're like, I don't like this. I don't feel good.
Patricia Sung [00:42:00]:
Like, yes, you do want to try it? Like, if it's not horrible, like, you try it for a few days and make sure. Like, how are we doing? But like, if your kid all of a sudden is like, my kid's a zombie, that is not the right medicine for them. Stop taking that medicine. Go talk to your doctor. You need a new medicine. Or if you're like, my kid now has suicidal thoughts, stop taking the medicine. That's not a good medicine. It takes a while to figure it out.
Patricia Sung [00:42:19]:
Even within the family, you can try. There's like 10 different variations of Adderall that you can take and they all affect you differently, which makes no sense. But it's not. Like, that's. The way that they're formulated is totally different. Like, I've tried probably, I don't know, five or six different medicines and they've all affected me differently. I found one that works for me. So do you change your mind? Like, it's not a forever decision.
Patricia Sung [00:42:39]:
If you do it for a week and you're like, this isn't working, you can change your mind.
Patricia Sung [00:42:46]:
It's time to be who you are unapologetically. No more contorting or shrinking yourself to fit inside the box box. Instead, you're going to feel the freedom of just being yourself because you are more accepting of who you truly are. You're invited Mama to this year's fourth Annual Successful as a Mother Weekend Retreat. It is time to relax, unwind, rest and take care of a very important person in the family, which is you. This year's retreat is on October 10th, 12th, 2025 and you are invited. This is an all inclusive retreat. It covers your meals, your hotel, all of your activities.
Patricia Sung [00:43:22]:
You literally only have to show up and I will take it from there. We are staying at the peaceful Happy Goat Retreat just outside of Houston, Texas. I have rented the entire property so we have it all to ourselves where we will enjoy nature and breathe deep in the fresh air and the calm of the lake and the sway of the trees. But this is not camping. This is glamping. You will stay in your very own adorable modern tiny home with your own comfy queen size bed, your own private bathroom and living space that's just for you. Go check out the pictures I posted on my website because it is so cute. We will spend the weekend learning about our ADHD and tune into who you are and what you need so that you can trust your gut and love yourself a little bit more.
Patricia Sung [00:44:08]:
All while eating delicious food you didn't cook you didn't clean up and hanging out with awesome other ADHD mamas who are just like you in this journey of understanding ADHD and also trying to.
Patricia Sung [00:44:19]:
Do all the things.
Patricia Sung [00:44:20]:
But not this weekend. This weekend you are doing none of the things you are relaxing. I will take care of everything and you get to focus on you. Head over to my website patriciasung.com/retreat and get your ticket. This is a small group of 14 mamas and we already have a bunch of mamas going so I don't have a ton of spots left. This means do not wait, do not.
Patricia Sung [00:44:42]:
Procrastinate when you hear this.
Patricia Sung [00:44:44]:
This is your sign. Go sign up, get your ticket and take a weekend to relax and take care of yourself while I do all the work. Head over to patriciasung.com/retreat and get your ticket for the 4th annual ADHD Mom's Amazing Getaway Weekend and relax patriciasung.com/retreat.
Mom [00:45:05]:
Sorry I don't mean to like hog you but I have another question.
Patricia Sung [00:45:08]:
Like related to this.
Mom [00:45:10]:
So he is like super itty bitty. So that's my other concern because I know especially like in my pod squad group like we talk about it a lot that our kiddos are so itty bitty and Then I know, like, that kind of curbs the appetite, which we already struggle with so much. So then it's like, that's a whole other thing is like, okay, do I help him more emotionally or do I feed him like, ah. Like it's just.
Patricia Sung [00:45:43]:
Yes. Stimulants do tend to curb your appetite. They don't for everybody, they do for me. I make sure that I eat when I take them. And you do have to watch what you eat with your medicine because certain foods, like high fat foods or vitamin C, like orange juice instead, like, like you can't take those with your stimulants. It'll block your body from absorbing it. Like, I eat some serious calories before it kicks in so that I get calories in. And I literally have alarms set to eat food because I just don't feel hungry.
Patricia Sung [00:46:12]:
But I make myself stop and eat. It's like it's lunchtime. I sit down with my kids and I eat lunch. So there are ways around it, like in terms of like, you know, if you're doing like protein shakes or like, we're going to eat a whole lot of peanut butter around here, like, you can adjust and it doesn't have to be like what everybody else thinks is a good meal. Like if your kid needs some more calories, just how to eat them some more calories at the same time. Like it is. It's that decision of which battle matters more in this moment. And that I can't answer for you.
Patricia Sung [00:46:40]:
If you want me to, I would say try the medicine. And if it's terrible, you can always change your mind and do something different. And also like the whole category of non stipulants, those you do have to build up, you have to take them every day and they get higher and higher. But like, those tend to not be appetite suppressants, but they're also kind of like the B team of medicine. So they generally tend to be more useful for the hyperactive portion and not so much the inattentive part, just as a very stereotypical, like, broad stroke thing. So, like, if his issue is more the hyperactivity, that's a good way to go too. You got to try them all out and you won't know until you tried them all. And it's really hard to make your kid elaborate.
Patricia Sung [00:47:16]:
Yeah, it's always with that goal of, am I helping him out in the long run?
Megan Champion [00:47:21]:
As many of you guys know, my son started medication in May. It's been a game changer and he was seven when we started. But he does lose his appetite. He loses his appetite and he bites his fingernails. And those are the two side effects. He never did that before. And he really bites them. Like, it's pain.
Megan Champion [00:47:38]:
It is a bit painful to watch how low he does that to his nails. But when he wakes up every morning, he's famished. He ate three packages of oatmeal today and a bowl of Mini Wheats. He might not eat a big snack or lunch, but when he's hungry, you just stuff him. And in terms of the nails, I hate to watch it, but then I remember that he was, you know, throwing chairs before. And when I decided which one's worse, and that's just me, so that's a personal decision. But I will take the nails a million times over than the rage, the scary, out of your mind rage. And that was what we were struggling with.
Megan Champion [00:48:13]:
But in terms of the appetite, it's not like every single moment. He's never hungry. It's just he's less hungry than he used to be. But when he is hungry, we just go and we feed them.
Patricia Sung [00:48:21]:
Yeah, and it might be that, like, right before bed when the, like, now that the medicine's wearing off, like, it may be that you have, like, a meal and, like, as a bedtime snack, like, literally, I'm just going to feed you your dinner at 10 minutes before bedtime, and that's okay. Like, I think a lot of times we just, you know, you have people, like, I forget, what's your sister and sister like in your ear? And they think that you should do things the way that you do, they do them. And it's not. It's hard. Like, it's hard to do them your way or your kid's way because you have to deal with all the judgment. But it really is, like, what is best for you and your kid. And if that means eating a gigantic breakfast and a meal for a bedtime snack, like, stuff them with calories when you can. And in the middle, you just.
Patricia Sung [00:49:00]:
And sometimes you just have to tell them, like, this isn't a matter of being hungry. It's like, you have to eat calories to be able to grow, to run, to play with your friends. You have to have fuel. So even if they eat three bites, like, that's better than nothing. And you do what you can. But yeah, a lot of it comes down to which one's worse, like chair throwing or nail biting. I'm like, okay, well, maybe we try to find one of those chew thingies and hope that that makes a difference. Or we'll try that horrible nail polish that tastes so like you can try 10 things to try to solve that other problem.
Patricia Sung [00:49:30]:
Throwing chairs. That's a lot more difficult to deal with.
Megan Champion [00:49:34]:
Somebody asked about the process of being an adult and getting diagnosed with adhd.
Patricia Sung [00:49:39]:
You can get diagnosed by anyone with a medical degree. That doesn't mean they know what they're doing. I would suggest finding someone who truly understands adhd, who knows it, who has a lot of experience with it. You know, it's a juggle between the insurance and finding the right person and who's in your area. I think Covid's helped a lot because there's a lot more virtual options. It depends on, like, where they're licensed and all. I mean, there's always something. But finding someone who truly understands adhd.
Patricia Sung [00:50:08]:
And then they will sit down and talk with you. They should talk to you about your history, ask you the right questions. They should know how many pots you've burnt on your stove is an indicator of adhd and how your car looks like it hasn't been cleaned since 2005. Or when you explain the relationship patterns that you've had and your. Your struggles with the anxiety and depression. If they understand adhd, they will see how that's all connected through. And that's what I always recommend is just find someone who understands adhd. They should go through your history to be able to show, like I talked about in the dsm, the two different columns of traits, and that it has been persistent for a while.
Patricia Sung [00:50:49]:
And then some people will have you do some testing. You'll see things like brain scans. Those have not been proven. Whether or not they actually work. No one has yet to scientifically say they do. But they're expensive, they're not uncovered by insurance, and no one can really say where they work. So I would say don't waste your money there. A lot of it is just being able to explain how it's affected you.
Patricia Sung [00:51:11]:
So if you go into your appointment with a list of here's all the ways I think ADHD has affected my life, and you basically write all of the information for them that they would need to know, then it's a lot harder to refute that evidence. Also, if you have aed, there's a fair chance you're going to get into the appointment and be like, I had problems, can't remember any of them right now. So being able to sit down ahead of time and have that list written down will make you feel prepared for your meeting. And writing down all the questions that you have for that person will allow you to ask. And if I don't know, obviously I don't know where you are. But the people that I recommend are Dr. Dawn Brown of the ADHD Wellness Center. She's here in Houston.
Patricia Sung [00:51:53]:
She's my doctor and she's wonderful. She has ADHD herself, is obviously very well informed. I also really like Dr. Sasha. I can't remember her last name. She's licensed in Kansas and Missouri if you're in that area. If you're in Canada. Oh, I don't know if I know anybody in Ohio.
Patricia Sung [00:52:12]:
Are you curious if you have adhd? Like, you're still just not quite sure, is this me or not? Maybe you're getting ready for your diagnosis appointment or maybe you want to bring it up with your. Your gp, but you're not quite sure how to talk about it. I put together a checklist of symptoms. That's not your average boring list of symptoms. It's the Patricia take on, from what I've seen of working with thousands of women, ways that I see these symptoms actually showing up in real life. I put it all together in a downloadable checklist and I want you to go get it, download the checklist, go through and check off. Here are the things that show up in my life. And there's space, space in there for you to write in where you see these things showing up in your life.
Patricia Sung [00:52:51]:
And then you can take that list to your doctor's appointment and show them. Like, when I say I'm being forgetful, here's what I mean when you ask me, like, are you hyperactive? This is how hyperactivity shows up in my life, in my brain, so that you have concrete examples and you don't freeze up when it comes time to talk about it. You have your preparation there and you feel confident and capable and talking about you because you know yourself best. So head over to my website and you can download the free checklist at patriciasung.com/ADHDsymptoms. And that'll go right to your email and you can take that with you and be prepared for that tough conversation. Again, that's patriciasung.com/ADHDsymptoms.
Patricia Sung [00:53:39]:
So the main reason I ask, as I've learned about my son's adhd, it's come to my attention that I most.
Megan Champion [00:53:45]:
Likely have it too.
Patricia Sung [00:53:46]:
And I have, like, I have insane coping mechanisms, but they're currently not really impeding my life. Like, I'm successful, Like, I own my own piano business. I get my kid to school on time. Is it beneficial to go get the diagnosis and try the medication, or do I just rely on the coping strategies that I've developed through my entire life? That's. I mean, to me, that's really up to you. If you feel like that information is validating and makes you feel better, then go do it. If you're kind of like, I'm cool. I got this figured out right now, you don't need to.
Patricia Sung [00:54:22]:
The only downside to that is usually when we need help, it's too late. And then we're already crashing and burning by the time we realize it. And then it's like, well, now I'm too depressed to go call and make an appointment and what have you. So. Well, and that's another thing, is I have insane depression and anxiety, and I'm wondering how much of it is related to the ADHD. 100%. 100%. No doubt about it.
Patricia Sung [00:54:46]:
So if you ever find someone in Ohio, let me know. Let me think about. Let me think about my. I'm like, I need to just make, like, a giant directory of all these people that I talk to. So I explained. ADHD is the root of the tree, and you've got all these branches. And so, like, you got a depression branch, an anxiety branch, you got your dyslexia, See a branch, like, whatever other problems you got there, all these branches. And you can prune your branches and, like, fluff them up as much as you want, but if you're not dealing with the root and you're not treating the root issue, your branches will never be healthy.
Patricia Sung [00:55:15]:
They'll be all right, but they will never be healthy because the ADHD is what affects all of it. And our ADHD has brought us a lot of trauma. So we have usually have a pretty high trauma response, or ptsd. We tend to have had more child abuse, sexual abuse, narcissistic relationship, because we always think it's us. We always think we're the problem. We always think that it was something we did. And that is one of the reasons I'm on this mission of telling women about it, because when we know what is the root for us, we can then teach our kids the skills that we need. It's like you just described my life.
Patricia Sung [00:55:49]:
So a couple of ADHD women in my life, I've got my. It's like, I wish I was wrong, but.
Patricia Sung [00:56:02]:
Yeah.
Patricia Sung [00:56:03]:
But when you can start dealing with all that healing and knowing where the root is, then all of a sudden it's like, oh, that all makes sense. It's all coming together, and it allows you to figure out what makes sense for you. Because, yeah, at this point, like, those of us who had it, like, by the time you hit 30, 40, New York is like, you know, what works for you and what doesn't. That doesn't mean that it's okay. It doesn't mean that we didn't suffer a lot along the way. But yeah, 100%. All that has to do with the ADHD.
Mom [00:56:34]:
And if I could add something, one thing, and I never thought that I had ADHD until starting to look at things, same thing like with my son. But I have realized that as my hormones have shifted and I'm going into perimenopause, it has come on hard and fast and. And I notice it. Things that I've coped with in. I've been able. My coping mechanisms that I've built throughout my lifetime. And so I never really noticed it. You know, I was always wondering if it was dealing with my son, who again, we're going tomorrow actually for his evaluation.
Mom [00:57:09]:
So this is perfect timing, hearing all of this, but learning through him, like what I think he's going through, the diagnosis I think we're going to get. But then, you know, I never knew if it was. If my hot mess, Ness, I guess, was due to being a new mom. I was a little bit older when I had him dealing with a child that maybe has adhd. But now I'm realizing I kind of always blamed it on my husband, that it was that he gave him the ADHD that we thought was happening. And we are. I'm realizing it's pretty probable it was me, especially because now, again, my hormones have come on pretty hot and heavy, I think. And that's where I'm really starting to notice this shift.
Mom [00:57:54]:
And it's one of those things that nobody. I would have never thought about at, you know, in my early to mid-40s, that this would come up and that my hormones would have such an impact on it. So it's just really interesting listening to all of this. But for all you younger girls or women just to be aware, if you do think it is impacting you maybe think about it ahead of time. Because I was totally shocked when it kind of all hit me at once of where this was coming from.
Patricia Sung [00:58:22]:
Yeah, I mean, I know people who are diagnosed in their 60s. One of the ladies in my class is like 75, and I think it's freaking adorable that she's like. She's like, I went through menopause, I can't keep up anything. And this class just Helps me figure out my life. And I'm like. She's like, I don't have anything. It's hard to do menopause. And I'm like, I'm pretty sure you have ADHD still, but okay.
Patricia Sung [00:58:44]:
Like, yeah, it's just. Yeah, hormones are a lot. And, yeah, I would definitely check in with your doctor. Generally speaking, from all the women that I have talked to who have gone through even perimenopause and into menopause, it's made a huge difference on their ADHD symptoms. And so looking into what your options are for either, you know, supplements or. Because, like, you can balance a fair amount of hormone stuff with supplements. If not, then looking at hormone replacement therapy makes a huge difference on their symptoms. We're learning that ADHD is a lot of highly sensitive nervous system, I guess, would be a good broad term for things.
Patricia Sung [00:59:26]:
So our bodies are more affected by the hormone shifts or by noise and all these sensory things that seem like you're just on edge about stuff. Our nervous system is more sensitive. And I've been doing some research on Irlen syndrome, which is a visual difference, if you will. Like, if you're somebody who's constantly catching the corners and, like, bumping into things and just your depth perception just seems to be a little bit off. You're always wearing sunglasses, and, like, just light in general is more sensitive to you. If you see, like, rivers running through text. Like, if you can see the lines as, like, in the breaks in the page, almost like a river. Actually, I'm planning on getting tested for that soon because I'm highly interested in seeing it.
Patricia Sung [01:00:11]:
That will. There's, like, special colored glasses that help you see better. Like, add one more thing to the list of problems I got. But if I can fix that, be great. And I also want to mention, like, pmdd. A lot of people don't know about that. It's like PMS's Ugly Stepsister, where your PMS is just off the charts. And there are women who are dealing with, like, it's not just a, you know, mood swing, but suicidal ideation and diagnosed with bipolar.
Patricia Sung [01:00:38]:
But it's only, you know, a certain point in their cycle. And they just think that it's them. Either that it's normal or they're just weird. But they don't want to tell anybody because, like, now you're going to take my kids because I think about killing them every 28 days. Like, but it's a thing. And, yeah, there's like, Hades. She has so many friends. So many friends.
Megan Champion [01:00:58]:
Patricia, I just want to throw this at you really quick about spouses and partners. How do you propose we handle it when the spouse is either not on board or doesn't see it or is reacting in that sort of traditional parenting, like butting heads and verbal aggression back and forth because they see it as bad behavior, they don't see it as a disability, if you will, or a thing, you know, how do you, how do we handle that?
Patricia Sung [01:01:27]:
This is a hard one. I mean, my husband and I still are like, literally, this is my job. And we still aren't always on the same page. Like, he came from a very traditional background. I mean, as did I. And you can't change anybody else. You can't make them believe, you can't convince them, unfortunately. And so my advice is always, you just do what you know is best for you and your kid.
Patricia Sung [01:01:53]:
And with time, hopefully they will see that it is making a difference and that it matters and that the strategies are making a difference. But you, you can't change them. You can't, you just can't. You can't make other people believe it. And it's more of a, like, I just have to let it go and show through my actions that doing things in a different way makes a difference. Obviously, when you have adhd, it's hard to be calm in the moment. But what I have been doing recently is like, when one of my kids has a meltdown, which others would have labeled as a tantrum, is in a calm moment being like, hey, this is where I see the ADHD in this meltdown. How, you know, this sequence of events makes it more not just your typical, like, kid not getting his way and like just planting those seeds.
Patricia Sung [01:02:47]:
But it's on me to know, like, when is an appropriate time to say, like, it can't be like, I told you so. Haha, like, point for me in knowing, like, more from an education perspective of my kids are both little, so we haven't gone down the diagnosis route yet. I mean, I know it's coming and my husband still feels like, well, as long as they're doing fine in school, then they don't need it. And it's not just about doing well in school. It's about, you know, relationships and social and the inner narrative that your kid is creating. Like, and I wish I remember, I never remember where quotes come from, but I read this quote about like, the way that we speak to our kids is how we create. Like, we are the builders of their inner monologue. So if we're the one who's always yelling, you're so slow.
Patricia Sung [01:03:31]:
Hurry up. You don't listen to me. They're the ones who then take that in. They're like, I'm so slow, I don't listen. You know, and that I'm lazy. I'm not paying attention. And figuring out ways to still get the message across with them. Because, like, we still have to get out the door for school.
Patricia Sung [01:03:46]:
I still need you to move faster, but not it being like, a personality trait of, you are so slow. Like, we use Alexa in the morning for, like, she narrates our morning of, like, it's time to brush teeth. It's not me nagging. It's time to brush teeth. It's like, oh, Alexa said, it's time to brush teeth. All right, we gotta go. And that takes the pressure off me being the, like, one. The timekeeper, because I have no sense of time, but not me being, like, the nagger of the morning.
Patricia Sung [01:04:10]:
And, like, my husband's, you know, working from home. So he sees how we had an Internet debacle about a month ago where it was like, just these. All these strange things happened, and we didn't have Internet for three weeks in a row, but, like, three days, we wouldn't have Internet, and then we would have it for a few days, and then we'd all. And he could see the difference between when Alexa was narrating the morning and when my terrible sense of time was narrating the morning. And when he can see how these strategies that I put in place, everyone else would be like, you need a reminder to brush teeth. You need a reminder to put on shoes. You need a reminder to get your lunch and your mask and your water bottle. But it works for me.
Patricia Sung [01:04:48]:
And he sees those things make a difference. And so to me, it's just like planting seeds, planting seeds, planting seeds, planting seeds. And I just have to hope that they'll take root one day.
Megan Champion [01:05:00]:
And I also think it's the quote. I mean, my youngest, who does not diagnose with anything. But I think we're heading down this road. It's the fresh behavior. It comes out as so traditionally disrespectful. And so from. If you're just taking a close look at it, it's like, well, you're swearing or you're talking back, and it's hard to get people to see that there's something more going on besides just disrespect.
Patricia Sung [01:05:25]:
You know what I mean?
Megan Champion [01:05:25]:
Where it's. It's. It's bad behavior, like, comes out sometimes as really bad behavior. I don't know how else to describe it.
Patricia Sung [01:05:33]:
I was like, I'm trying to think of, like, what. When I was teaching, I used love and logic as my classroom behavior management. And so a lot of my stuff is rooted in that. But I've along the way adapted things through the years. And as I've become a parent, if my kids say something rude a lot of times, if I can keep my cool and say something like, ooh, that sounded like the grumpies attacked. Like the grumpies attack. Did you see them there? Over there? I was like, did you want to try again without the grumpies? And you kind of make a joke about it. And if your kid is truly, like, trying to be rude and mean to you, which like, most five year olds are not, like, you'll see their reaction.
Patricia Sung [01:06:11]:
And usually if you can kind of like make. I don't say make light of it because it's not okay, but to kind of like lighten the heaviness of the situation and regroup them, then they're like, oh. Then like, you can see them be like, oh, okay. And then let me say this again in a kind way. You can start to see, like, are they truly being disrespectful and being rude to you versus were they just having a rough moment and they needed that moment of like, like, basically you created the pause for them that their brain did not do. When you kind of make the joke or allow them to like, redo. You know, sometimes you can just yell like, redo. I mean, you have to, like, instill the pattern where they know, like, well, I think, I mean, to redo on that one.
Patricia Sung [01:06:50]:
And then they're like, can I please have my dinner? And then like, even though it comes out in like a grumpy voice, the fact that they knew, like, they were able to make some change and be like, I needed to say please, I needed to not yell it or whatever the, you know, rudeness was. That kind of helps the determination of, like, is this truly, like, rude behavior? Or is this like, you just didn't pause? And then there's also been a lot of, like, I don't care what you think and stuff it like, you're not raising this kid. So that took many years of me being okay with. But I, I just can't with the people who have a lot of opinions, but I don't see you feeding this kid or paying the bills. So. But also, like, I'm almost 40, so I feel like my patience for people in general has greatly decreased in the last couple years.
Megan Champion [01:07:34]:
So what, what are you guys still wondering about?
Patricia Sung [01:07:38]:
I'll say I probably like 10 more minutes and then. Okay. I'm surprised I made it this long because my medicine has definitely worn off at this point. So hopefully I'm not too long winded. So.
Megan Champion [01:07:47]:
No, no, no, I, I, I think you've been, been really, really helpful for me specifically. What else are we wondering about?
Patricia Sung [01:07:56]:
Let's see, I'm gonna say I totally ignored the chat for quite a long time.
Megan Champion [01:08:00]:
No, it's okay.
Patricia Sung [01:08:01]:
If there's anything useful in there or somebody had a question, you told me.
Megan Champion [01:08:05]:
Yeah, for the most part we have people here with kids of all ages. Some have late teens, some have five year olds and everything in between. And so I think it's, it's helpful, just as you've explained, just you've kind of given examples in all kinds of areas from older kids in school and younger kids, which I found really helpful.
Patricia Sung [01:08:30]:
Yeah, well, with a teenager I wouldn't be like, oh, I think the girl showed up. Because then you're going spirals and they're probably going to still be the bird. But there are ways to connect with your kid no matter what the age is. It's just a matter of, you know, finding the right tools that make sense for you and your family. And there's a lot of good resources out there. There's also a lot of BS out there, but there's a lot of good resources out there.
Megan Champion [01:08:56]:
Well, actually, in speaking of that, then what would you direct people to, including your own stuff? I have all your links and I put them in our forum, but anything off the top of your head where it's like, you should totally watch this, you should read this, you should go on YouTube and see this.
Patricia Sung [01:09:12]:
Okay, well, I mean, let's say what I'm doing right now is teaching moms, like how to organize their day and their rhythms and schedules and how do you take all that nitty gritty stuff of motherhood and make it during like the least amount of mental energy that you possibly can so that you're not spending your day cleaning and laundry and washing dishes and forgetting that you had an appointment today and actually enjoying your life and your motherhood? So I have two classes. One's daily planning, which is focused on your calendar and to do list. So it's like a foundation. Like if you can't keep up with your calendar, you can't create a routine for your day because you're going to get thrown off every time you Forget to show up for an appointment or, you know, you don't even know where to start with your to do list. That's step one. And some people who have ADHD have already learned those skills. Like, if you had a parent who had already figured those out and could explain them to you, or I know a really great high school teacher or something, or, you know, a coach along the way. Some people with ADHD can do quite well with those things because they were taught those skills in a way that made sense for their brain.
Patricia Sung [01:10:15]:
So it's not something that you can't do. It's just you need to learn it in a way that makes sense for you. The other class is called Time Management Mastery, which is all about figuring out a rhythm for your day. And, like, we have no sense of time, so we can't rely on that. So how do we set up our day so that we are making it productive for us? And, like, what's that rhythm that you follow that's made for you, made for mom life, but also not so boring that you want to poke your eyeballs out with a fork? So you can sign up for those on my website. Daily planning is available anytime. And then Time Management Mastery is closed. Right now we're finishing up, and the next one starts in January because it's like a small group that we work together, so that relaunches in January.
Patricia Sung [01:10:55]:
In terms of my favorite resources from a parenting perspective, right now, I'm really into. I love Dr. Becky from Good inside. She has really good tools for, like, sub 10, I would say would be her wheelhouse is, like, younger kids. I love Mr. Chaz. To me, he's like the Mr. Rogers of this generation.
Patricia Sung [01:11:14]:
He's just the way that he explains social and emotional development for kids. He's totally changed my view on, like, spanking. And before, I was kind of like, ah, whatever. Like, it's fine. And having watch him, I'm like, oh. The way he explains it makes so much more sense. And how I'm like, oh, that's. This is really not a good idea.
Patricia Sung [01:11:34]:
I was just gonna say I follow him too. He's really great. I like it. If you're looking for resources for moms, I really, like, dig a little deeper Therapy. She is a therapist out of Canada, and she has ADHD herself, and her tips are, like, spot on. And Dr. Sasha, whose name I cannot remember, it starts with an H. She also has adhd and she does a lot of Instagram reels.
Patricia Sung [01:12:00]:
Like, you watch her and you're like, I Feel attacked and seen at the same time. Like she just explains ADHD symptoms in adult women really well. If you, I mean, if you go to my website, I have a PDF that you can download with all my favorite resources, like all my favorite podcasts, books, like whatever way you like to learn. I have a list on there of my favorite, like go to resources. So if you're a reader, I've got books on there. If you're more of a podcast person, obviously I have my podcast. We did this week is episode 116. So they'll take you all to catch up on and training for teens.
Patricia Sung [01:12:33]:
I was just looking at somebody yesterday.
Patricia Sung [01:12:36]:
I can't remember.
Patricia Sung [01:12:37]:
It'll come to me in a minute. If I remember, I will say it. That's the thing about adhd. It's like it's right there. I can see it and I can't think of the name.
Megan Champion [01:12:46]:
There was one more question in the chat about connecting ADHD with social and anxiety issues. If there was a connection there, I know that that person has teenagers.
Patricia Sung [01:12:55]:
Yeah. And if you heard about rsd, it's called rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I'm a little, I'm still my. To me, the jury's still out on Is this a made up turn or is it really just stress trauma reactions? When you have adhd, you have a lot of trauma responses and the way that you react to things is based on your experiences of that negative self. Talk of, it's me. I'm the one who messed up. I'm the one who didn't listen correctly. When I think about, like when I'm in a social situation of like here, like I'm fine pouring my heart out because I know I'm in a room of people who are open and willing and get me so I can sit here and spill all the beans.
Patricia Sung [01:13:37]:
But like you put me in like a cocktail party with the neighborhood ladies and I'm like, this is time to call me up. I can. It is a struggle for me from the sense of the background noise. Like when there's a lot of conversations going on, it's hard for me to stay focused on this conversation. When I have. I can also hear at the same volume level this conversation and this conversation and that conversation. My brain doesn't filter out the background noise. It's all loud.
Patricia Sung [01:14:01]:
So I can't focus on you because all that background noise is like interrupting it. And then I feel like I'm being rude and then I feel stupid because I didn't catch all the things that you said because all this other stuff is noisy. So, like, that part is hard. And there's. There's not, like, a whole lot you can do about that. I mean, my medicine definitely does help. Like, I can remember the first time I took medicine again after, because I take medicine in college. And then I stopped for a while, and then once I had my kids again, I was like, oh, I need to look into this again.
Patricia Sung [01:14:29]:
That was my indicator. I knew it was working because I was at the gym and the radio was going and they had the TVs on. And normally that, like, rates on my nerves, like, nobody's business, the competing noise. And I didn't notice for, like, a solid 10 minutes. And that was like, oh, oh, oh, oh. This is what medicine feels like. Okay, I'm with you now. Like, that irritation, that sensory input is lower than the grading on my nerves.
Patricia Sung [01:14:57]:
So you've got that issue of trying to filter out the background noise, being able to concentrate on what's happening, being able to keep up with the conversation and not miss the details. Because then I spend a lot of time nodding and smiling, and I look like I'm really paying attention, and I have no idea what you just said. And then if they ask you a question, all of a sudden you're like, oh, like, there. You learn this balance of, like, how do I look? Like I'm keeping up with everybody so that I don't look like I'm falling behind. But then also, like, there's like, this threshold of, like, if you miss something, you only have so much time to say you missed it before it's too late to circle back and be like, oh, I missed that piece of information. But at the same time, you also don't want to be the person who's like, what'd you say? What'd you say? What'd you say? Like, no, I don't have a hearing problem. I'm not deaf. Like, this was just overwhelming for me.
Patricia Sung [01:15:45]:
And then also with adhd, you tend to not read social cues as well. So it's harder to make friends and interact with people because, you know, there's so much information you need to absorb from someone in order to read those social cues. And that's a lot of information. It's a lot of mental work. It's a lot of energy required to be able to watch that person read their body language, collect all of their words, also read in between the lines and what they're inferring. It's a lot more energy for me to, like, meet a new person and have to absorb them and understand them. So that is. Adds to the social anxiety.
Patricia Sung [01:16:19]:
But when you don't know that, you just feel like you're not good at paying attention. Why can't you keep up with people? Why? Like, why aren't you interested in what they had to say? Like, why are you so worried about you? Why aren't you trying to make friends? And when somebody is expending that level of energy to keep up with all those things, it's like, why should I even bother going? Like, that's too hard. I'd rather just not go to that event than to go, be embarrassed, feel stupid, use all that energy for what? What did I get out of that? So that was probably not the answer they thought they were getting. But that is where I see the social anxiety of adhd. I'm like, dang, that was good. I'm gonna have to make an episode on that. That was a good one. I don't think I ever talked about that.
Patricia Sung [01:17:01]:
The understanding of what. What goes into a social interaction. Like, my husband is very extroverted and would go out with people every day if he could, and he does not understand, for me, like, how draining that is to put all that effort in. Whereas he's, like, super jazzed every time he gets to, like, he has literally never met a stranger. And I'm like, go away. Same, so same.
Megan Champion [01:17:25]:
You are a rock star. That was amazing.
Patricia Sung [01:17:30]:
Thank you.
Megan Champion [01:17:31]:
Could talk to you all day, but I won't.
Patricia Sung [01:17:33]:
And I was like, my bedtime alarm went off, and I was like, I'm talking for a while. No, I'm like, the World Series is on, and I gotta go check out what's happening. He knows the score.
Megan Champion [01:17:43]:
I plan to honestly show this recording to my husband because he has this going on. And anyway, so thank you so, so much for your time and thank you for all this amazing information.
Patricia Sung [01:17:57]:
You are so welcome. And, yeah, if y', all, you know, reach out to me on Instagram's probably the fastest way to find me emails again. An ADHD thing. I'm like, oh, yeah. But, like, direct message me, and I'm here. You know, I'll respond to that in a second. You email me, it's like, like, I'll talk to you in seven business days or ever. Never.
Patricia Sung [01:18:16]:
So, I mean, I will. Because, like, if it's for work, it's like, okay, I have to. But yeah. But, yeah, Instagram will be the best way if you're like, hey, I got a question. Because then I can also just like, record the answer, then you know when people, like, type something, I'm like, now I gotta proofread this email 7 times before I send it. Why are you killing me?
Megan Champion [01:18:34]:
You're the best.
Patricia Sung [01:18:36]:
Well, I really enjoyed you all, and it's. It's always good to be amongst people who understand you.
Megan Champion [01:18:43]:
Yeah, I think you clarified a lot of things, too, so, at least for me, you did. It brought me a lot of clarity on things that I was wondering about. So you. You really do rock. Thank you so much again. And, you know, we'll. We'll talk soon.
Patricia Sung [01:18:56]:
Thank you. Especially.
Megan Champion [01:18:58]:
East Coasters getting tired over here.
Patricia Sung [01:19:02]:
Thank you.
Patricia Sung [01:19:04]:
Thank you.
Patricia Sung [01:19:06]:
For more resources, classes, and community, head over to my website, motherhoodinadhd.com.