No Perfect Plan: Letting Good Enough Be Good Enough #266
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But I want to do everything... well.
Ever find yourself trying so hard to get it just right… only to realize that you’re missing the whole point?!? This week, I’m sharing some very real behind-the-scenes of my life right now: juggling the end-of-school chaos, trying to write a book I’ve dreamed about for years, and realizing (once again) that perfectionism is still sneaking into the driver’s seat.
In this vulnerable episode, I unpack the mental load of ADHD motherhood when the “busy” becomes relentless. I talk about asking for help (even when it feels bougie), redefining what “good enough” looks like, and letting go of the fantasy plan I had in my head. You’ll hear about my new sourdough hobby adventures, the emotional labor of summer transitions, and how I’m learning to hold my goals a little more loosely.
Plus, I share what I’m learning from my work with Dr. Sandra Kooij’s team on rewording ADHD diagnostic tools for women to encompass a more realistic and relatable view, plus how that work is shaping the way I understand myself and my capacity.
This isn’t a “wrap it in a bow” kind of episode. It’s messy, real, and honest. If you’ve been quietly wondering, “Why can’t I do it all?”, this episode is your reminder that you were never meant to.
Links mentioned in this episode:
Episode 71 referencing Dr. Sandra Kooij”s work: https://www.patriciasung.com/podcast/071-executive-function-adhd-energy-regulation
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Our annual ADHD Moms Weekend Retreat is coming up October 10-12, 2025 just outside of Houston, Texas! You're officially invited :)
“Gift yourself the opportunity to meet like-minded people (literally), make instant friendships, and the space to finally be yourself.” –ADHD Mama T.H.
I’ll take care of all the details - you simply show up and enjoy.
Put it on your calendar now.
Because you deserve to take care of yourself too. Early bird tickets & bonuses close June 1st. Get your all-inclusive ticket here: https://www.patriciasung.com/retreat
Patricia Sung [00:00:00]:
I want to be able to do all the things, and I wanna be able to do them all well. And even when I can't do them all at the same time, what is my capacity for doing those things?
Patricia Sung [00:00:10]:
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy? You can't figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind,
Patricia Sung [00:00:23]:
your home, or your family.
Patricia Sung [00:00:25]:
I get you, mama. Parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life, creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well. At the end of the day, we just wanna be good moms. But, spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess, mama.
Patricia Sung [00:01:04]:
You can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story, and I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to Motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung [00:01:16]:
Hey there, successful mama. It's your friend, Patricia Sung. It is Maycember. Now if you have not heard this term before, there is a hilarious video from the Holderness family about how May is just as much, like, the crazy time as December, but, like, not not the, like, fun festivities. It's just, like, go go go, more concerts, more recitals, more championships, all the school plays and productions, throw in teacher appreciation week, which we really wanna appreciate the teachers, but also we're so busy doing other things. Like, we're missing, like, the point sometimes and all the juggling and the end of year goodbyes, and it just feels like so much. So if you are in that place as I am, I hear you. I see you.
Patricia Sung [00:02:03]:
This is a really busy time of year for many, many moms, at least on this side of the Equator. The other part of me is like, oh my goodness. Can you imagine doing end of the school year also at the holidays? Maybe it's just maybe it's better. My friends below the equator, is it just better to just get it all out of the way once? I'm curious. Please tell me. But this last few weeks has been bonkers. And on one hand, it's like in a good way, because it is all the fun things. And, you know, this is why I work from home and have my own business so that I can go volunteer at hands on science and dissect cow eyeballs and volunteer at the book fair.
Patricia Sung [00:02:39]:
But it's also that, like, constant checking myself of, like, the boundaries. And on one hand, again, I know I'm doing a better job because this year, I said no to field day. I did not volunteer. I did not even attend. I just asked other moms to send me a picture of my kid because I hate field day, which is a whole rant for another day. But I said, you know what? This is not for me. I will do lots of volunteering. It's not this.
Patricia Sung [00:03:02]:
But I don't want this busyness to overtake the joy, and that's what it's felt like in the last week or so, especially with my husband's been traveling this past week. He's been gone all week, and it just feels like I'm spending so much time concentrating on the juggling that I'm not wowed by the fact that I can juggle. I don't appreciate the fact that I juggle, that I can do Cirque du Soleil level accomplishments. I don't celebrate that. I'm just like, alright. Next thing, go, go, go, done, done, done. And how often I hear that same thing from you. So in this time of reflecting, like, hey.
Patricia Sung [00:03:36]:
I'm not really happy with how things are going, but, also, I don't wanna miss what's going on. Is there a better solution here? And that's where I usually stop. Is there a better solution here? And I keep looking, and I keep finding another way to do things. And, like, that's part of what makes me really good at my job is that I can always find you another solution. And at the same time, you
Patricia Sung [00:03:58]:
know how much I love a both and.
Patricia Sung [00:04:01]:
Is this quest for the best actually the best thing for me? Now before I jump into the full episode, I don't wanna forget to tell you that early bird tickets for the retreat are wrapping up Sunday, June 1. So the end of the month, Sunday, June 1 is the last day to get your early bird ticket with bonuses. Now I am recording this the week before, so keep in mind, things might be a little different next week. But right now, I only have five tickets left. I have one Bijou, which is the studio size tiny home, and I have four deluxe tiny homes left. So please go get your ticket. Here's your friendly reminder. Patriciasung.com/retreat because I wanna see you there.
Patricia Sung [00:04:40]:
I want you to have this weekend away to relax, to take care of yourself, to be able to have deep conversations with other moms who really get the way that you think and how you work. And so much what I love is that okay, tangent time, just dive in here, is that when we go in this weekend, this is the fourth one. So we've done this three times already. Here shows up to this group. A couple people who may have seen each other on Zoom because they may have been in successful mom meetups. They may have been in group coaching. But generally speaking, the ladies don't know a lot of people or anyone. And by the time dinner finishes on the first night, everyone is deep in conversation with somebody or multiple somebody's.
Patricia Sung [00:05:22]:
And every weekend, the moms are like, I don't understand how it feels like I've known all these people for so long and how I feel so comfortable sharing all this stuff enough that, like, I wouldn't normally tell people these things. And I'm being so open and honest with what I'm struggling with and what's going on. And it's so validating to hear other moms be like, I get that. And, like, the moms sharing advice and, like, and not in a pushy way, but it's like, hey. This is what's worked for my kid who has these issues. And just that, like, camaraderie and, like, understanding is so healing. And I want that for you. I mean, I obviously, like, I want you to have the weekend where you're, like, not doing anything.
Patricia Sung [00:05:58]:
You get to rest and, like, you're not in charge of anything and you just get to enjoy. But even more healing is that time spent in community with people who get you. And knowing, like, oh, wow. This isn't just me, and I feel so seen and heard and safe and at home with other moms. That's one of the biggest reasons I want you there is for you to experience that love and that safety that comes with being with people who get you. Okay. Gotta wrap up that tangent because I gotta stay on task. So go get your ticket patriciasung.com/retreat, and let me get back into the episode topic at hand, which is building upon what we talked about last week about how do you do all the things.
Patricia Sung [00:06:35]:
We can't do all the things at the same time. We can do lots of things, just not at the same time. But then the next layer to that is when are we pushing ourselves to find the best solution? And when are we saying, you know what? That's good enough. It's a balance. It's a give and take. We don't wanna sit in despair and never shoot for anything better. Like, we don't wanna wallow in our own struggle and not make moves that start, like, gaining momentum in the right direction. And, also, we don't wanna spend so much time just go go going, pushing, pushing, pushing that we are missing what we have because we're so busy trying to find something better.
Patricia Sung [00:07:13]:
And this is that place of limbo that I find myself in right now. I was talking to my neighbor across the street the other day, and I was asking her, I'm like, listen, how do you do this? Because she works full time as a lawyer. She has three kids between the ages of, like, second grade and eighth grade. She's the one who picks them up from school every day, and her kids are, like, pretty involved in sports. Like, they're doing a lot of stuff. And yet, how do you also accomplish a job? How do you get all the things done? And and she's like, well, things look really different now than they did when the kids were little and looks different than when I was working full time, and I've had to switch companies that had more flexible options. You know? And she's telling me about, like, how she works in the evenings or she, you know, has her laptop sitting at practice. But we get to the end of this short conversation.
Patricia Sung [00:07:57]:
She's like, I just don't think it ever is ideal. I think it's just to worry, we keep shifting and we keep adjusting until they're grown up. And, you know, when someone tells you something that you probably heard 16 times and it didn't really make any sense, and then someone else says it and you're like, oh, that's it. And it just hits you different. That was the moment where it hit me different. Where in this last six months of all the transition that our family is going in and, like, I I won't recash it here, but you can listen to the last few episodes. You'll hear all about it. Like, I kept telling myself, okay.
Patricia Sung [00:08:33]:
This is the transition time, and when we finish transitioning, it will be better. And here we are six months later and we're still I was like, I still have the transition feeling. And, yes, it is the end of school transition, it is going to summer transition, but this is not a clear cut phase of our lives like other times have been. And this is a time where I'm realizing, oh, there's not a clear cut season here, like clear cut school ending summer starting sort of a a feeling. Instead, this is an ongoing shift of motherhood. And it's like all of a sudden it was like, the light bulb went off of this is now this is no different. It's not the question of me giving myself grace because it's different. And this uncomfortableness, like, I just have to get through this time and be patient with myself and also it's not that way because I'm heading to a certain goal, and at that point, things are gonna shift.
Patricia Sung [00:09:32]:
Now it's you're in a different season of life. How do you extend that same grace and forgiveness that you get when things are changing and hard, and then apply it to when now just life is a little bit different. It's a little bit harder. We have leveled up. Things are just not the same. And allowing myself that same grace and forgiveness and patience, this is what it is. This is the season. This is the hard stuff.
Patricia Sung [00:10:03]:
And I think the reason it's really hit home is because, I'm currently working in a focus group with doctor Sandra Cooley's team, which if you have never looked at doctor Cooley's work, I have several episodes. If if I remember, I'll go find them. Let me write that down because I'm not gonna remember. Patricia, you won't remember. Go find episode on doctor Cooley. Okay. See, This is me being better with my brain. I adore her work.
Patricia Sung [00:10:32]:
She's excellent, and she specifically works in what does ADHD look like for women. And her team right now is working on rewording a lot of the diva five, which is similar to the DSM five. It's a list of symptoms that clinicians use in order to do ADHD assessments. And the diva specifically works with specific examples on what it looks like in women. And so I've been in this focus group with some amazing, amazing women who are very experienced clinicians, doctors, coaches that have a lot of experience working with ADHD women. And we are all sharing, like, okay. When the DSM five asked this question, what that looks like in women is this. And we're sharing the patterns and the threads and the examples so that when a clinician looks at this checklist, they will have a much more concrete way to understand what it looks like in women versus men.
Patricia Sung [00:11:28]:
Because a lot of times, women are getting diagnosed inaccurately. They are getting diagnosed with these for other things. They're being told, oh, no. You have anxiety or bipolar. And I'm not saying that you don't. I'm just saying you might have that and this, and they're getting diagnosed later. Like, this diagnostic sheet I'm like, what's the name of it? Let me just grab it right here. This diagnostic criteria of the DSM five is really going to help clinicians diagnose better.
Patricia Sung [00:11:55]:
And we've only done two meetings so far in giving our feedback on it, and I am just like chef's kiss. I cannot wait to see the final product. I know it's gonna be months still before it's all put together, but all of this time spending with women who are like, oh, and also ADHD looks like this. And all these examples, like, for one, I'm like, it's life giving because I'm literally writing my book right now. And I'm like, oh, yeah. I wanna make sure that I give some of these examples. I'm like, all of these women are saying things that I see every day, and it's so validating, even, like, on a personal level. But to know, like, this work that I'm doing matters, and these are this is what we're seeing, and this we're making better.
Patricia Sung [00:12:34]:
And so as we're looking at the examples of inattentiveness, we've talked a lot about how many ADHD women will not engage in a task when they don't know that they're going to do well, if there is a fear of failure or a fear of not completing something entirely or well, like the shame and the anxiety that come with all of that and how much the judgment of others comes into play and the people pleasing. And it's not just the are you inattentive, but it's the, like, ripple out out out and, like, the third and fourth degrees of that domino falling that are affecting our lives. And knowing that I, as much as I have worked on my perfectionism and as much as I have worked on purposefully putting myself in situations where I might fail and learning how to work with the failure and that shame and all that comes up, that not that I'm immune to it. The goal is not to be immune. We're humans. We're not robots. But how do I deal with the times where I can't make this perfect? And even if I triple check something, I'm still might miss something. And being able to deal with that shame or the anxiety or the frustration or the embarrassment or all the feelings that come with it, And that this is actually like, linked to part of what I'm struggling with right now of I want to be able to do all the things in my life.
Patricia Sung [00:13:56]:
And I want to be able to be there when my kids are, you know, out of school. And I also wanna be able to keep up with all the home stuff. And I also wanna, like, take care of my body and move and drink water and, you know, be exercising and, you know, heart health. And I also wanna see my friends, and I also wanna have hobbies. And, like, I want to be able to do all the things, and I wanna be able to do them all well. And even when I can't do them all at the same time, what is my capacity for doing those things? And at what point do I keep looking for another solution to, like, that quest for the best and finding, like, the perfect solution. And that amount of capacity it takes to hold it all together and the amount of capacity it takes to try to find the quote right answer means that I don't have capacity for enjoying what's going on right now. And I know that when I start getting on edge about things that probably should not make me on edge, and when should, I use a loose term.
Patricia Sung [00:14:49]:
You know how I feel about the word. That's how I know that I'm too stressed and I need to do something about it. Example, I learned how to make sourdough bread earlier this month, which I think is super fun. It's a very time intensive hobby, but, like, not in, like, quality but in quantity. Is that what I wanna say? It's like the sourdough bread, it's like, you know, one step takes, like, ten minutes and then can walk away. And then you gotta remember to, like, come back and, like, fold it or, like, it's not kneading it. It's like folding the dough to make it build structure. Like, you're not working on the dough for four hours straight.
Patricia Sung [00:15:16]:
It's that you did ten minutes, and then you gotta wait a while, and then you come over and fold it, and then you go do something else. And you come back and fold it and you do something else. So as long as I set a timer, I'll remember to go back and fold the dough. But it's not like, oh my gosh, I have to spend six hours making a dough. No. Like, I just need to come back probably, like, two minutes at a time three more times today. So that's that's what Alexis for. She reminds me how to do that.
Patricia Sung [00:15:36]:
But I've been I was making a special one for Memorial Day weekend this weekend, and my kids wanted to help, which help is a loose term. And I was getting so frustrated with them, like, knocking stuff into other places and, like, getting the stuff, like, the filling from one dough into the other dough. And I realized, like, I was just so tightly wound that, like, I was ruining all the fun out of doing something together because I was feeling really stressed. And those are the moments where I know that, like, I need to do something else to take care of myself because I need to get myself to a different place on the stress ladder in order to be able to carry all of this. Because graham cracker crumbs in my sourdough is really not the end of the world. Yes. The Enneagram one of me is, like, please don't mess up my sourdough. But, like, if there's a little bit of sourdough in the other loaf, like, it's not horrendous.
Patricia Sung [00:16:25]:
Just make sure there's nobody with gluten issues around. Right? Like, it's I could see that my reaction was not in, like, oh, what's the the the quantity of my reaction? That's not the one I wanna say. The the greatness of my reaction did not warrant the amount of inconvenience that this was happening. And that's when I know that, like, I'm very stressed and little things feel like big inconveniences or big irritations. So I know that about myself now to know, like, oh, that's a red flag, Patricia. You gotta do something about this. So while I have done so much work to be a better parent and a more emotionally mature parent, I still have to take care of myself. I still have to use the skills.
Patricia Sung [00:17:13]:
It's not like a download. You just download skills and then you're done forever. Good job. Check. That's finished. The using of that skill is a muscle that we build so that we can continually get stronger and better at it. Like that's why I love seeing when like if coaching clients circle back after like six months or a year, it's like, oh, like, let's check that muscle. Let's see what needs to be developed.
Patricia Sung [00:17:34]:
Okay, great. Now you go back on your own. You're working on it. Oh, swing back in another year or so. Okay, let's what do we want to work on here on that? We're like, another level. We're advancing, we're moving up in life. We're applying those skills in another way. But this is part of being a parent is the how it's constantly going.
Patricia Sung [00:17:51]:
It's constantly shifting. It's never the same thing. And then you're done. Check. Move on. No. Parenting is not like that. It's the constant like, there's always another thing of laundry.
Patricia Sung [00:18:00]:
There's always another dish to be washed. There's always another kid being a goober that you gotta, you know, teach him how to be a good human. And I felt like I was missing that connection between that idea and that I'm not necessarily going to find the one best answer that's going to make my life easy for the next, say, three months that summer's going on, is that I can find the pretty good idea. I can set a really good foundation. I put all my skills in place, and then, coincidentally or not coincidentally, oh, you know what? I don't know if I ever talked to you about this. My word of the year my word of the year this year is let go. And I have on my phone screen, let go. Hold everything loosely so that there's space for what's next as you do not know the full plan.
Patricia Sung [00:18:43]:
And what I've been realizing over, like, literally the last twenty four hours, because actually the what I thought I was gonna talk about today is not what I'm talking about today because I thought this is gonna be a different episode. But, you know, god let me in this direction, and here I am. So this idea of letting go is that, yes, I have the foundation in place. I use all my skills. I set it up. I do my best. But then at some point, I have to let it go. And I have to let it run its course, and I have to hold it loosely because I'm not perfect, and I'm never going to be.
Patricia Sung [00:19:12]:
So when I'm searching for the better answer, find like, well, this is like, you know, 95%. But if I could just get to, like, 96 or 97%, that'd be really great. Look, in some ways, you need that preciseness in certain places in life. But I'm gonna venture to say most of parenting, it's not. Most of parenting is like we're gonna do our best. We're gonna have that quest for the best as far as we can. And then at some point, good enough has to be good enough. Because when I focus on how do I make this better and I'm constantly in problem solving mode, that's a different part of my brain, and I am not in enjoying the moment mode when I am trying to problem solve and make things better.
Patricia Sung [00:19:51]:
And so the balance of that is I'm trying to spend more time or maybe I'm going to because I haven't tried this. A little just came up with this yesterday, is that I want to spend more time in the enjoying the moment mode. I want to be more present. I want to be able to notice the little things. I want my kids to be able to talk to me and not be like, wow, mom's sure as a grump today. It's time to be who you are unapologetically. No more contorting or shrinking yourself to fit inside the box. Instead, you're gonna feel the freedom of just being yourself because you are more accepting of who you truly are.
Patricia Sung [00:20:27]:
You're invited, mama, to this year's fourth annual successful as a mother weekend retreat. It is time to relax, unwind, rest, and take care of a very important person in the family, which is you. This year's retreat is on October 2025, and you are invited. This is an all inclusive retreat. It covers your meals, your hotel, all of your activities. You literally only have to show up, and I will take it from there. We are staying at the peaceful Happy Goat Retreat just outside of Houston, Texas. I have rented the entire property, so we have it all to ourselves where we will enjoy nature and breathe deep in the fresh air and the calm of the lake and the sway of the trees.
Patricia Sung [00:21:10]:
But this is not camping, this is glamping. You will stay in your very own adorable, modern, tiny home with your own comfy queen-size bed, your own private bathroom, and living space that's just for you. Go check out the pictures I posted on my website because it is so cute. We will spend the weekend learning about our ADHD and tune into who you are and what you need so that you can trust your gut and love yourself a little bit more. All while eating delicious food you didn't cook, you didn't clean up, and hanging out with awesome other ADHD mamas who are just like you in this journey of understanding ADHD and also trying to do all the things, but not this weekend. This weekend, you are doing none of the things. You are relaxing. I will take care of everything and you get to focus on you.
Patricia Sung [00:21:56]:
Head over to my website patriciasung.com/retreat and get your ticket. This is a small group of 14 mamas, so I don't have a ton of spots left. Do not wait. Do not procrastinate. When you hear this and know this is for you, go get your ticket. Earlier tickets are available until the May, and you get a few bonuses by signing up early. Number one, there's a shrinking payment plan available. Available.
Patricia Sung [00:22:19]:
You can spread your payments out farther when you sign up earlier. There's no extra charge for that. Two, you get to choose your room. So get your room now so you get first dibs on the type of tiny home that you want to stay in. Number three, everyone who buys an early bird ticket is invited to a bonus group coaching session over the weekend. Here, we can dive into the specifics of what you're struggling with and identify what you wanna work on going forward so that you leave the weekend feeling even more confident. And then four, obviously,
Patricia Sung [00:22:44]:
you get to look forward
Patricia Sung [00:22:45]:
to this trip all summer long. So go sign up. Get your ticket and take a weekend to relax and take care of yourself while I do all the work. Head over to patriciasung.com/retreat and get your ticket for the fourth annual ADHD Moms amazing getaway weekend and relax. Patriciasung.com/retreat. So how do I let go of what I thought it was going to be or what I want it to be and allow things to unfold as they are? Because when I try to keep up with everything at the same time, it doesn't work. And I knew this was true because I have a tracker for when I write. And whenever I write, I when I finish my, like, whatever I'm working on that day, I total up the word count in the Google Doc, and I drop it into this tracker.
Patricia Sung [00:23:36]:
And so I can see that I'm making progress as I go, which I have a love hate relationship with trackers. Generally speaking, I don't like things that mark, like, daily habits or, like, like, either you did it or you didn't, and it's like you you lost if you didn't do it. I don't like those kind of trackers. I like this kind of tracker because it's showing me my progress, but I'm not judging myself like, oh, you have to write every day in order to be a success. That's not the goal. The goal is to see that I'm moving towards the end, and, like, I'm up to 10,000 words, which is pretty awesome. And I am celebrating that because if you would ask me this, like, a week ago, I was really upset because, I would say, like, out of the past six weeks, I had only written one day. Like, before I went to the Happy Goat Retreat this weekend, I had only written one day out of the past six weeks.
Patricia Sung [00:24:22]:
And I was so frustrated that I thought I was gonna have so much more of this book done before school gets out, which is just, by the way, is in three days. So clearly, that's not it's not happening. I could see in the numbers that what I was doing wasn't working because I'm keeping up with my kids and, like, loving them well. I'm keeping up with all the home stuff. But where I was falling short on time and capacity is the book, which I can see in the numbers because there's no numbers there. There were zeros. I wasn't doing any writing. And that was another way that, like, my brain needs the logical evidence too of, like, hey.
Patricia Sung [00:24:56]:
You're keeping up with a lot of things. But if your goal right now is to write the book and you're keeping up with lots of things, but none of them is the book, then you have to start changing what you're doing because it's not working. So I have hired some help. So while I originally thought that I was gonna use my book advance money to help me, like pay for a book coach and like things for work, I realized that actually what I really need help with so that I can do the book is help with stuff at home. And there's been, like, this whole inner turmoil that I'm trying I'm not gonna get into today because I don't this little, like, episode would be hundred minutes long. But if you wanna hear more about that, I'm happy to to dive in. So, you know, just tell me about something you want to talk more about. But I had this whole inner turmoil of, like, I shouldn't have help at home because it feels like I should be able to do all the things and, like, it makes me sound, like, unrelatable or, like, out of touch or, like, it's too bougie or something.
Patricia Sung [00:25:52]:
And I'm like, okay, Patricia. Like, we're working on the whole people pleasing thing and, like, worrying about what other people think. And it's like, listen. If you're over here doing laundry and dishes for an hour and, like, cleaning up stuff in the house and then you don't sit down to write the book for another hour, like, that's an hour that you could have been writing instead of doing laundry and you hate laundry. So if you're gonna pay for help, why would you not pay for the thing that you hate doing? So I hired someone to help me around the house. I am looking at our like, the calendar for this summer and being like, okay. Where can I block out time to get writing done? Where am I focusing on family time? And, like, having a very loose structure, but it not being, like, super rigid so that I can follow my word of the year and, like, let go of it and, like, let things unfold and know that, like, I have been wrestling with this idea of, like, I don't understand how to get all this done. Like, I know clearly that God asked me to write this book.
Patricia Sung [00:26:45]:
He brought a publisher to me, which never happens, who's asked me to write on precisely what I want to write about, and I'm getting paid in advance to write a book that, like, I dreamed of happening in, like, five years. And so, like, I know that this all, like, worked out because it's meant to be like, I know in my heart that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. But I kept asking God, like, why is this so hard? Like, if you ask me to write this book, why do I not have time to write it? Like, is this just Satan coming in and ruining all the things and my attitude and my time and bringing me broken ACs and, you know, all the stuff that's going on? Or is this, like, did I misinterpret the message? Did I not catch that I like, did I hear wrong? I was doubting myself that I heard wrong, that I was maybe I wasn't supposed to write this book. Maybe I just missed it because this is not a convenient season of my life to be writing a book. Being a mother of young kids is not a convenient compatible item with writing a book. And I was like, maybe I miss her. Maybe I misunderstood. And I was like, no, Patricia.
Patricia Sung [00:27:48]:
You've been working on this. You know how to listen to yourself. So you know this is what you're supposed to be doing. So then I was like, mad at god. I'm like, listen. You told me to write this book, and you told me to, like, be at home with my kids, and I don't understand how this is all supposed to get done. Like, I need you I was getting very bossy with him. I need you to tell me how this is supposed to happen because I don't see it.
Patricia Sung [00:28:07]:
And, you know, god loves us so much, and he will take our anger and our frustration and, like, love us right back and be like, okay. Like, I did ask you to do these things, and I'm giving you the resources to ask for help. And that was the part where I was like, oh, I didn't wanna hire help because I thought it made me look bougie. And that was my pride. That was my pride saying, oh, I don't wanna look like that. I don't wanna look unreasonable. I don't wanna look like I'm prissy or spoiled. So I'm just gonna just I'm just gonna dig in and figure this out on my own.
Patricia Sung [00:28:41]:
And that's not what I was asked to do. I was not asked to do this on my own. And I've been given the resources to do it. I have so many friends who have offered, like, Hey, your kids can come over to our house and we'll have a playdate or a swim date or whatever. And you can work on the book. And like people around me are extending out a hand and helping me in this journey. And I have to put my pride aside and my drive for perfectionism aside and be like, this is really gonna be hard. And this is really going to push me out of my comfort zone and, like, sandpaper me in a place that I don't wanna be sandpapered.
Patricia Sung [00:29:18]:
And this is what I need to do in order to get to the next step, is set aside what I wanted it to look like and how I thought is my plan and allow the people around me to support me and to help me. And say it's okay that I use my resources for help. It's okay that I lean on my friends. It's okay to say this is really hard, and I don't know how it's all gonna come together. And I don't really like this word of the year that I got stuck with, and I would like to complain to management, which I did. So in this self discovery process of realizing so much that this drive for perfectionism and avoiding other people's judgment and circling back to what all the other women are saying in this focus group with doctor Kuhi. This is my next hurdle to learn how to deal with is balancing the quest for the best and when is good enough good enough. And am I okay letting go of the control knowing that now it's not in my control, which is hard when you live in a lot of chaos.
Patricia Sung [00:30:24]:
Allowing the chaos to seep in feels real scary. And I can do it by scaffolding for myself, taking baby steps, leaning on the people who have offered to help, and show myself that it is okay to try to be a mom who works and also stays home and also carries the burden and also asks for help and also puts down her pride and also leans on the people around her in order to get to the goal, which is finishing this book. So welcome to the next layer of Patricia being really uncomfortable and having to learn new skills. Here we are. It's setting aside my perfectionism. It's setting aside my people pleasing. It's setting aside my fear of judgment and the shame that like, oh, okay. I can't do everything on my own.
Patricia Sung [00:31:08]:
Like, I tried and it didn't work because I can tell you that there's five out of six weeks I wrote no words and only wrote one day. One day out of six weeks, I wrote words on this book through April and most of May. And that shows, Patricia, you need to ask for help. It is okay to not be able to do all the things by yourself because that's not how people were created to function. It is okay to admit weakness. It is okay to say, I can't do this myself. I literally can't. It's not possible.
Patricia Sung [00:31:38]:
I cannot do all the things by myself. And, like, sometimes when you say it out loud, you're like, wow, Trisha, that was a really unrealistic expectation. Congratulations. No. You are not. There was no way you're gonna do that. I don't know why you had that expectation of yourself. That is ridiculous.
Patricia Sung [00:31:49]:
And, also, I'm gonna give myself a big hug because it dried, and it didn't work. And now we are trying something else. So here, cheers to my summer of letting go of figuring out how this is all gonna come together as it comes together and not having a well laid plan down to the minutia for relying on the skills that I have put in place over the last decade of trying to understand my brain and allowing myself to function in a, like, loose and flexible place, which is not my normal MO, in order to meet a goal that doesn't really feel like it was meant for me. But it was. This goal was meant for me. And knowing that I can listen to that little voice inside and know, like, this this is yours, Patricia. This is your mission. You can do this when you let go and let God bring you the things that you need.
Patricia Sung [00:32:46]:
He brought me this amazing focus group of women who are just making my brain spin at a hundred miles an hour. It's he's bringing me friends to help support me. He's bringing my new assistant who is amazing and wonderful, and I'm so lucky to have someone. And I'm so lucky that I get to spend the summer with my kids. And I also I really hope I don't, you know, throw them out the window when they tell me they're bored. But, you know, this is part of that phase of life. And I don't wanna be so busy trying to figure out the very best way to make this work and miss the fun of baking sourdough s'mores bread because I was angry about the breadcrumbs flying all over the kitchen, literally after my assistant just cleaned the kitchen. Just, you know.
Patricia Sung [00:33:32]:
Like but it's okay. We can get out the vacuum. We can get out the broom and dustpan. And that's a life skill too, seven year old. And allowing myself to be in the moment and be present by taking care of myself, by lowering my stress that I'm not in fight or flight because my husband's been out of town for a week during the last week of school when everything is bonkers. I'm learning to let go because control has been such a coping mechanism for me for so long. Because if I can just hold on to everything tight enough for long enough, then I'll be able to keep the chaos at bay. And I no longer want to white knuckle myself through life.
Patricia Sung [00:34:12]:
I want to enjoy this summer with my boys and also write a book. Is that possible? I think so. I just don't think it's the way that I thought I was gonna do it. So I leave you with that parting idea of what have you been trying to do, like, really, really trying hard to do that's not quite coming together? And who can you ask in your circle, in your community, wherever your safe place is, if it's your family, if it's a a mom's group at the baby story time, if it's the moms of the high schoolers who were, you know, trying to make it through senior year unscathed, your neighbor across the street. Who can you ask for some outside perspective? And how can you let go of what you thought it was going to be like to make space for what it can be like? I am wishing you all of the peace and patience as we transition into this next season, and I'm wishing it for myself too. I'll talk to you soon, successful mama.
Patricia Sung [00:35:13]:
For more resources, classes, and community, head over to my website, motherhoodinADHD.com.