When Simple Questions Feel Like A Personal Attack: The Gas Tank Fight #283
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Why does one tiny question sometimes feel like a full-body emotional attack?
In this episode, I’m walking you through a very ordinary moment that turned into a huge realization for me: my husband asking why my gas tank was almost empty. Not a fight. Not a disaster. Just a question. But internally? My brain immediately launched into anxiety, defensiveness, shame, overexplaining, and mental gymnastics before he even finished speaking.
And honestly, I think so many of us with ADHD do this all day long without even realizing it.
I’m sharing what came up for me emotionally, how old childhood narratives around being “careless” still show up in everyday situations, and the exact neuroplasticity exercise I’m practicing to change those automatic responses. We talk about slowing down your stress response, recognizing the physical sensations tied to anxiety, and intentionally replacing old shame-based beliefs with sturdier, kinder truths.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) does not have to rule your emotions! With time, I’ve shifted my responses so that I’m able to separate from roller coaster feelings.
This episode is deeply personal, practical, and validating for anyone who feels exhausted from constantly preparing to defend themselves. You are not broken, Mama. Your brain learned patterns, and your brain can learn new ones, too.
lINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
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Put it on your calendar now.
Having a circle of moms who support you and believe in you matters. Register for your all-inclusive ticket here: https://www.patriciasung.com/retreat
Patricia Sung [00:00:00]:
Judgment, negativity, defensiveness. Like, how do I not feel that way?
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In response to the questions, Are you
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overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy? You can't figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family? I get you, Mama. Parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life. Creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully and in turn, lead our families well.
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At the end of the day, we
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just want to be good moms. But spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to
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be a hot mess.
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Mama.
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You can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story and I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to Motherhood in ADHD.
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Hey there successful mama.
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It's your friend Patricia Sung.
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It is time for our review of the week.
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Now, if you have not reviewed the
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podcast, please go in there and hopefully hit five stars and let me know what you think so that I can
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read your review on the next episode.
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Today's review is by Heidi Ifs therapist.
Patricia Sung [00:01:31]:
5 stars entitled Life Changing. I adore this podcast. Being diagnosed in my late 30s after
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becoming a mom, this podcast has helped
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me the most in understanding ADHD and
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how to work with my brain. I adore Patricia and the way she shares.
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Really love the visualization she uses in many different ways in coaching calls with clients.
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I ah, thank you Heidi. I adore you too.
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I'm so glad that you're here.
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Thank you so much for your encouragement
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and I hope you will share the
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podcast with a friend who could use the encouragement as well.
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Here's something I've been thinking a lot
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about since the ADHD Mom's retreat in October. This idea of how we think of ourselves in a lower sense than other people.
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Like we don't give ourselves.
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It's not even so much that we
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don't give ourselves credit.
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It's like we, we don't trust ourselves and so look to others for reassurance. And I talked a little bit about this in the last episode of November and how when we don't trust ourselves and when we don't think that we're right, we look to others And I think that makes us susceptible to people who are not healthy, like emotionally abusive people or narcissists because we don't trust ourselves. This is like such a throwaway example. Like it's just such a, like everyday shme like nothing major happened, it wasn't a disaster, but yet so clearly illustrates how I think about myself. So we're in marriage counseling because I
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want to stay married. That's important.
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And we always go to our appointment no matter what's going on. Unless Dominic's traveling or there's like some major thing, we will be there. And sometimes we don't have anything to talk about, which is lovely. Now that we have been doing this for like two years, we run out of things that were like when I show up, I want to discuss this because I'm mad. Well now it's like we have less like emergency on fire things happening, which is wonderful. What's the point of going to mayor's counseling? But this past week we didn't have anything in particular that we like wanted to talk about. And so the default would be like, well you know what, I don't really
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have to go, it's fine, we'll just skip it.
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And we have made the commitment that like that's not what we're going to do. We're going to show up every time because there's always something that you can work on and how much more effective is counseling when you're not super pissed? Very stressed. Obviously. I have talked to y' all about the stress response ad nauseam and it's really important that we do our problem solving and solutioning when we are not stressed. So it would make more sense for us to go to counseling when we are not stressed because then we actually make more progress. So our marriage counselor was asking me before he got there like, hey, what's going on? And I'm like, actually things are pretty good. We're doing a good job of staying on the same page. He was asking for follow up questions.
Patricia Sung [00:04:16]:
I was like, well like for example, one of the major issues is that I often feel less than than Dominic. And like sometimes, yes it is because of what he said or did, but sometimes it's just me. I don't feel as valuable or as powerful. And so we've been working on like I've been working with my therapist on how do I live into my sturdiness and value and power and trusting myself and all that. Which is why I share that with you so much because it's so important to me. But in the times of conflict, like, I'm not really, like, a think fast on your feet person. Like, I have a good comeback for you, like, 20 minutes later. At the time, I'm like, I don't know, you know, And I'm not an arguer.
Patricia Sung [00:04:55]:
But it's because, like, in times of conflict, like, I'm not going to be able to come up with a brilliant thing to say in the moment. That is not my gifting. So I often feel like I'm at a disadvantage when there's conflict. And my husband is an extrovert. He's very smart.
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He.
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He is good at reading people and he's just really confident about his opinion. And like, conversely, like, when he's wrong, he's just like, oh, I'm wrong. Okay, well, tell me why I'm wrong. And if you can logically answer why he's wrong, he's like, okay. And he just moves on. His feelings are not hurt at all. And I'm just like, how?
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How are your feelings? Like, never hurt ever.
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He's like, what do I have to be upset about? Like, if I was wrong, I was wrong. Okay, let's move on. And I'm like, huh?
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There are people who live like that.
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What?
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They do, they exist. I married one.
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But, so anyways, in conflict, I always feel like I'm at a disadvantage. And then because I'm not quick on my feet and like, coming up with my responses, generally speaking, I just shut down because I'm like, I don't know what to do here. This is too much. And I shut down. Well, mundane example I was telling you about is the gas tank in the car. Dominic's of the opinion that, like, as soon as you hit half a tank, you should go put more gas in your car.
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I, on the other hand, grew up
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with like, how far could I extend
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this tank of gas?
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My high school days, I'll date myself here was like, I'd put $5 in
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my car and it would last me the whole week.
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But also the gas gauge on my first car was broken, so I had to watch the mileage. So I knew exactly on my mileage how far I could make it on my $5, but I would, like, just put it off. I was like, trying to, like, extend it out as much as possible. And I feel like most people with ADHD are like that, where you're like, ah. Did the light come on yet? Like, I'm all right. It didn't come on. The light didn't come on. I still got gas.
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And yes, that has definitely gotten me in trouble a few times. But generally speaking, I'm like, if I have gas in the car, what's the problem? But it stresses Dominic out to no end. So I do my best that when I get to below half a tank, I fill up the car. And it's a little easier now that I work from home. And, like, I'm mostly just taking the kids around in the neighborhood. Like, not going extremely far. Like, I still only have to fill up my gas, like, maybe, like, once a week at most. Like, it's not a lot at all.
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And I'm like, I feel like you're gonna be, like, nodding along of, like,
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yeah, that's my gas philosophy. There's gas in the car.
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We'll be all right. Anyways, we had the, like, grocery store points to get extra 30 cents off your tank of gas per gallon. And I. So I was running the tank lower so that it could make the most of my reward. Now that I'm looking back, logical me is, like, it was probably not worth running the tank down to save the extra, like, dol. Like, the stress was definitely more than a dollar's worth of stress. I should have just used the reward and been on my way. But I'm actually recording this in October.
Patricia Sung [00:07:48]:
So, like, I was just at the retreat before this happened, so I was like, it's about an hour from my house. I was running all over creation, going to Costco and the grocery store. H e B, if you're a Texas person, we're going to H e B. Going to Costco, picking up the barbecue. All of my food allergy substitutions, like, y', all, I take care of you when you come on my retreat. I accommodate everybody's food allergies, and you still get delicious. It's not the, like, crappy version of the thing because you can't eat the real thing. No.
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I had too many allergies when I was sick that I'm like, this is not appropriate. I want people to eat well. But I was working with no mangoes, mushrooms, shellfish, pork gluten, dairy egg, someone who eats halal, and someone who's a pescatarian. Okay. So I did a lot of grocery shopping because I want my mamas to eat well and feel cared for. That is worth the effort to me that you show up and you're like, I got to eat delicious food that I wasn't allergic to. Excellent. That matters to me.
Patricia Sung [00:08:44]:
Because of somebody who's had a lot of food allergies in my life. I Know how rare that is? So, point being, I was running all over Houston buying stuff here, there, everywhere, driving to the thing. I come back, I'm down to the red bar on my gas tank. But I'm like, perfect, I'm gonna use the 30 cent gas reward now that it's on the red bar. Well, then my kid gets the stomach flu. So I obviously did not leave the house. There was no putting gas in my car. And I knew that when Dominic got into my car on Saturday, because we
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were taking my car because I was
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watching my niece and nephew. So we had all the kids piled up in the third row. I knew he was going to say something about the gas level. And in the past, I would have been so mad about it and defensive and angry of like, my gut reaction was like, do you not see how hard I worked to be able to use the gas reward points to their utmost ability, Driving from here to there everywhere with the kids and caring for this vomiting child. So I did not have time to add the gas in my car. Like, I knew that I was going to get upset when he asked about it because I knew he was going
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to ask about it.
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And then I was like, no, Patricia,
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you don't have to get upset. What are you going to do differently? When you get in the car and Dominic asks, why is there no gas in your car? You're going to calmly respond, you asked me to use the fuel reward points, so I ran the tank down on purpose. And then we got the stomach flu. So I did not leave the house in order to use said gas points that expire at the end of the month. So what happens?
Patricia Sung [00:10:21]:
We get in the car, I'm going to gas about the gas, I tell the whole story, and he's like, okay.
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And he moves on.
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He was like, we'll have to stop on the way home.
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And it was fine.
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But, like, was it fine? The amount of mental gymnastics I had to do to get to the point of not being upset when he asked me about the gas is excessive. I do not need to do that amount of mental stress in order to get to an okay place I am right now because I'm practicing. But I don't want that to be my norm. I want that to be, this is the learning experience so that I can get to the place where he asked me a question and I'm not automatically annoyed and defensive.
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So here we are talking about this
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in counseling, and our counselor is like, well, I want to get to the point where, like, you don't feel like that and Dominic's like, what? All that stress happens before I ask you about the gas. And I was like, yeah, because I
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work really hard to put the gas
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in the tank before it gets too low. Like that is not my natural inclination, but I know that it's important to you. You want to make sure that I'm safe. Also, it's hurricane season in Houston, so you know, we got to keep the gas in the car all the time. Well, it's not now when you're listening to this, but like that's one of the reasons we try to keep the
Patricia Sung [00:11:27]:
gas in the car.
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I was like, I work so hard on this and it's like, if you got in my car 75 times and it always had gas in it and you don't say anything cuz you're like, well this is the expectation for us to maintain safety levels. But then the only time you say something is when it's not filled. That's the one I'm gonna notice. But like I want the gold star when you get in my car and see there's gas in it. Like I want you to notice that I did the thing that you asked me to do. But then my counselor answered a funny question which I was. He was like, well, if he noticed the times that you did it, would that make not feel upset on the times where you don't have gas in the car? And I was like, absolutely not. I would still be mad if he was frustrated about there not being gas in the car after a week.
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As such. I'm like, on one hand I'm like really proud of myself because like I noticed the gas level. I was fulfilling the request to use this reward before the end of the month. I was aware that this was a triggering situation for me. I was able to walk myself through and say, okay, this is probably going to happen. Here's what I'm going to respond. And it turned out fine because I was prepared for that. And I also still want to work on the fact that, hey, it's okay for Dominic to ask questions and me not get upset about it.
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How do I shift my stress response to the questions so that I don't feel like I'm being interrogated or judged by the questions. And how do I take them at face value of just, hey, I'm curious why there's no gas in your car? Because that's an anomaly to me and if there's something going on, I want to be able to address it or help you. And like, part of me is like well, maybe I should have just asked
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him to go get gas in my car. Cuz if I'm home with a sick kid, you can go get gas.
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Or I'd be like, I could go get gas.
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I'm like, I don't really like getting gas. I just, I'll just ask you to get the gas.
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But there's another way. I could have preemptively avoided a triggering conversation. But how do I change my wiring so that the questions don't elicit the response of judgment, negativity, defensiveness, like, how do I not feel that way in response to the questions? So I'm going to do this exercise
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with you right now.
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It's time to be who you are unapologetically.
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No more contorting or shrinking yourself to
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fit inside the box. Instead, you're going to feel the freedom
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of just being yourself because you are
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more accepting of who you truly are. You're invited, Mama, to this year's Successful As a Mother weekend retreat. It is time to relax, unwind, rest and take care of a very important person in the family, which is you. This year's retreat is on October 16th through 18th and you are invited.
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This is an all inclusive retreat.
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It covers your meals, your hotel, all of your activities.
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You literally only have to show up
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and I will take it from there. We are staying at the peaceful Happy Goat Retreat just outside of Houston, Texas. I have rented the entire property so we have it all to ourselves where we will enjoy nature and breathe deep in the fresh air and the calm of the lake and the sway of the trees. But this is not camping. This is glamping. You will stay in your very own adorable, modern, tiny home with your own comfy queen size bed, your own private bathroom and living space that's just for you.
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Go check out the pictures I posted on my website because it is so cute.
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We will spend the weekend learning about our ADHD and tune into who you are and what you need so that you can trust your gut and love
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yourself a little bit more.
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All while eating delicious food you didn't cook you didn't clean up and hanging out with awesome other ADHD mamas who
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are just like you in this journey
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of understanding ADHD and also trying to
Patricia Sung [00:15:22]:
do all the things.
Patricia Sung [00:15:23]:
But not this weekend. This weekend you are doing none of the things.
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You are relaxing.
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I will take care of everything and you get to focus on you. Head over to my website, patriciasung.com/retreat and get your ticket.
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This is a small group of 14
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mamas and we already have a bunch of mamas going so I don't have a ton of spots left. This means do not wait, do not procrastinate.
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When you hear this.
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This is your sign. Go sign up, get your ticket. And by signing up now you, number one, have access to the shrinking payment plan before it's gone.
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There's no extra charges for that.
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And number two, you get to pick the type of tiny home that you
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want to stay in before they are all gone.
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So go sign up, get your ticket and take a weekend to relax and
Patricia Sung [00:16:08]:
take care of yourself while I do all the work.
Patricia Sung [00:16:11]:
Head over to patriciasung.com/retreat and and get your ticket for the ADHD mom's amazing getaway weekend and relax. Patriciasung.com/retreat
Patricia Sung [00:16:25]:
so when I hear that
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question, why don't you have gas in the car?
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What I notice is I start to get kind of panicky in my chest. There's like my anxiety feeling begins, which for me is you can't see me because it's a podcast, but I am swirling my hand in front of my chest. It is a maybe like put my hand flat on my chest, bring it forward about 2 inches and then my hand swirls. It goes away from my body. I'm right handed, so it is a clockwise motion where my hand is like fluttering in front of me. It's not really like fanning anything. It's just this is my anxious feeling. I know that when this swirly feeling starts whirling in my chest, this is how I feel when I get anxious.
Patricia Sung [00:17:09]:
And what I notice about that is I'm like, oh my gosh, you forgot an important detail again. You weren't paying attention, you were careless and you didn't fulfill your responsibilities. And that's the narrative that comes up from my childhood. The careless mistake, not paying attention. You are not valuing other people's opinions or thoughts or expectations here. And that's what starts this anxious feeling swirling. So what I'm going to do is take that swirly feeling and right now, like I said, my hand is going clockwise, is we're going to slow it down and we're going to flip it and go back the other way. So I'm taking this like physical analogy of my anxiety, which is my hand is like making my, I call it like my anxiety swirl and I'm flipping it, I'm doing it backwards.
Patricia Sung [00:17:58]:
So now my hand is going counterclockwise so it's going towards me and I'm slowing down that feeling. And so for you, whatever like analogy or picture or feeling that comes up for you, how can you change that? How can you make it different? So since mine is a very fast swirl, I'm gonna make it backwards, and
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I'm gonna slow it down, slow it down. Just take a few deep breaths,
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And
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I can let that slowness fill how
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I'm moving and feeling right now. And one of my favorite questions to
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ask is, how do you want that to change? So I've physically changed the way that I'm moving. And what I mentally want to change
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is when I feel like that old
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messaging is popping up, I remind myself, I'm not careless.
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I knew exactly how much gas was in the tank. I was very aware of that.
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So that's not true.
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And I think about the values. They're like, yes, I value safety. I also value caring for my sick kid. So I canceled everything that else that I was supposed to be doing that couple days so that I could be with him. And that's a good reason not to
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go get gas in the car. And yes, I could have asked for help. That would be a great solution.
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But it's okay that I didn't because
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I'm working on that. That's something I'm working on right now. Asking for help and being okay, asking
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for help and knowing that other people
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don't mind helping when they can. And it is safe for me to ask for help.
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So when I can give myself evidence
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that I was not being careless, that
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I was attempting to fulfill the request that Dominic had asked, and in this case, keeping the gas above a certain point, but also using the gas reward, like, was a conflicting piece for me. And so I say, okay, well, maybe I just won't run it down. I don't need to save an extra dollar to be this stressed. So I'm just. I'm not going to do that. I'll just use the reward when I use the reward, and that's okay. Or I could say, I really want
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to get every last ounce out of that gas reward. And then I'll figure out a way to get the gas when it's needed.
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Is that worth being late to the next thing because I had to put gas in the car, or is it. No, I. You know what?
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That same.
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That extra dollar or two didn't matter. I'd rather be on time. And I can make those decisions because I'm not careless. I'm actually very thoughtful and I care a lot about my decisions.
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And then I ask myself, what do I want to feel when Dominic asks me A question like, why is there no gas in the car? What I want to feel is confident and knowing that I made that decision purposefully. I also want to feel that if
Patricia Sung [00:20:54]:
I do make a mistake, if it wasn't a purposeful thing, I just really forgot about the gas, that that's okay. I'm allowed to make mistakes. I'm a human.
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I'm not a robot.
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I'm allowed to make mistakes. And it's okay to say, oh, I'm
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sorry, I didn't realize I was that low on gas.
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And then it's okay for me to have not met that expectation of somebody else.
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So when I hear those questions, I
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want to feel confident, and I want to know that it's okay to make a mistake if I made a mistake.
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And then if I have the extra time, I will then ask myself, how do I know I feel confident?
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And I know that because I sit
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a little straighter, my shoulders are back, my head is up, I feel like
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a sturdiness in my belly or in my gut that feels solid.
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And how do I know it's okay to make a mistake?
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How do I feel when I know that it's okay to make a mistake?
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And when I know it's okay to make a mistake is that I want
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it to feel like a big hug,
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like it is okay for me to make mistakes? I'm not expected to be perfect. Humans aren't perfect. Humans were made to be learners. Humans were made to try new things.
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And humans were meant to grow.
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We weren't given fully formed brains upon birth. So we need time to grow and learn and experience.
Patricia Sung [00:22:06]:
And I know it's okay to learn
Patricia Sung [00:22:09]:
and grow and experience one, because that's how humans were meant. But that's what makes me become a better person. When I learn and I grow and I experience, that's what makes me a kinder friend. That's what makes me a more accepting person. It's what makes me a kinder partner.
Patricia Sung [00:22:25]:
And I know all that because I'm very open and receptive to people's mistakes.
Patricia Sung [00:22:30]:
Having been a teacher, I see them
Patricia Sung [00:22:32]:
as learning opportunities, and I want to be able to see that as a learning opportunity for myself, too. And so when I know that I'm
Patricia Sung [00:22:37]:
being a learner, I'm growing. I'm forgiving, I am kind and open. I am accepting.
Patricia Sung [00:22:48]:
And I'm able to rewrite that narrative
Patricia Sung [00:22:50]:
running in my head so that it's
Patricia Sung [00:22:53]:
not all that old, the crappy narrative from the beginning of this podcast.
Patricia Sung [00:22:58]:
Instead, it's, I'm confident. I'm sitting straighter, my shoulders are back, my head is high. I know that I made a good decision, and I know that it's okay to make mistakes because mistakes help us learn, they help us grow. People who make mistakes are a lot more approachable, and people like talking to other people who've made mistakes. It's hard to relate to somebody who's perfect and rewriting that narrative. Whenever those feelings pop up, I can slow that circle down, flip it to go the other direction and remind myself of all the good things that come with being someone who's okay with making mistakes and someone who's confident allows me to reset the way that I think about myself in those situations and bring confidence so that instead of it feeling like mental gymnastics, it feels like a logical process of like, hey, there was no time to get gas in the car. I was doing my best to use those grocery store reward points, and then we got the stomach flu, so I'll get gas next time I'm in the car. Or I could ask for help and say, hey, babe, could you put gas in my car? I didn't leave the house today and I need gas in my car before we take all these children to do fun stuff over the weekend.
Patricia Sung [00:24:05]:
And that is how you use neuroplasticity to rewrite the old patterns in your brain. It's asking yourself questions and allowing yourself to access the part that you want. And imagine if you were the kind of person who was okay with mistakes, what would you do? What does that kind of person say or do when they're okay with making mistakes? And sit with that and let your brain shift. Like, how cool is it that we can change our brains? You can change your brain, too. I'll talk to you soon. Successful Mama.
Patricia Sung [00:24:38]:
For more resources, classes, and community, head over to my website, motherhoodinadhd.com.